How do you discipline children other than spanking or yelling?

Question

This is a spin-off from another question. I believe parents wouldn't spank if they knew more affective ways of disciplining. So, lets help those that don't want to spank by offering what we do.

I'll kick this off. When my children seem to be doing one behavior (i.e. not sharing, not eating, whining) that needs to be changed, I create a family star chart. If they refrain from doing the behavior, I put a star on the chart. For example, every time I see them share, they get a star, collectively. We don't keep track of who get which star. When the chart if full, they get the specified reward (a zoo trip, ice cream, movie, etc.). At the beginning, I have to preface activities by saying, if you share, you'll earn a star. Usually, they need about 20-30 stars for the reward. Something they can achieve in a week.

Other ideas?

Answer 1

My son is 25 years old now, and I didn't spank him. It can work. With him, if he were doing something wrong, I would go to him, get down to his level, hold his face so he was looking right at me (not harshly of course) and say in a VERY stern voice..."That is NOT okay! You do NOT hit people! Do you understand me?!" Generally, that worked. If he did something like...come home late, I would take away a TV show he liked. You vary it according to what works best for you...for example, if he did something I would normally take away a favorite show over...but it was Christmas time and I knew the one he wanted to see, was a seasonal thing that he may not see until next year...I would give him chores, like pulling the weeds from between the bricks on the porch. He absolutely hated it, but it was negative reinforcement and he learned without being hit.

I was not 'afraid' to discipline my kid. That's a cop out for parents who can't think of anything else BUT physical punishment. He never got into trouble at school, or with the law. He never smarted off to me (once or twice as a teenager but it didn't last, and you expect that 'testing' period)...and he felt confident enough in our relationship to tell me anything. People STILL remark on what a great relationship he and I have. Hitting is NOT necessary in my book. I have living proof that while yes...discipline is necessary...PHYSICAL discipline is not.

The other half of the equation, is to KNOW your kids. You can't JUST be the police officer. Talk to them. Let them tell you their thoughts. If they feel comfortable with that, it will last throughout their growing years. They can come to you with anything.

Answer 2

I will start by saying that I do not have kids, so my answer may not be completely valid, but: I believe there are two rules that should be observed when disciplining children: 1. The purpose of discipline is to teach the child how to behave. 2. Discipline should never be carried out on pure anger. With this in mind, public discipline may or may not be acceptable. If the negative public attention would (in the parent's opinion) help the child to understand (s)he has misbehaved, then yes it would be acceptable. But, if the parents are just disciplining their children because they are mad and they want to take out their frustrations, then that's wrong. I believe the same principle applies to spanking: The parent should not just automatically resort to spanking because (s)he's angry with the child: instead, the parent should calm down and then rationally decide whether or not spanking would be the most appropriate punishment.

Answer 3

Family rules with consequences! The consequences are the same for EVERYBODY doesn't matter how old you are or even if your just visiting! The rules should be general and there should be NO more then 5. For example are rules are
1. respect each other
2. only grow ups are allowed in the kitchen without permission
3. Clean up after yourself
4. feet belong on the floor.
It also really helps if the children help make the rules so they feel included.
we have a 6 year old and a 2 year old both girls. We had a family meeting and choose the rules and consequences. Having the same consequences and rules offers security and children need that. Make sure both parents agree with the discipline and then stick to it.
Also have family meetings regularly (not just to make rules)to plan trips, and activities. This has helped my family dramatically. For the 1st few weeks i had to keep reminding the kids of the rules but then they caught on and realized that the rules were here to stay.

Answer 4

I used the checkbook method for awhile. Same concept as yours in a way but the kids also learn to balance a checkbook. They get assigned "points" for things they have to do and assigned points for privileges. When each thing is done they put the points in the deposit column and add to keep a balance. Privileges cost points and they had to take away points in the the withdrawal column and write down the new balance. Not enough points for a privilege? Then there is no privilege. This works best for kids 1st grade and up.

Some ideas for points:
Clean room
Put clothes away
Do homework before 6PM
Swiffer/vacuum 2 rooms
Set table

Ideas for privileges:
Play date
Pick dinner for 1 night
Rent a movie

Answer 5

I think when children are really young, they cannot reason. They do understand pain however.... A swift smack in the *** to a 3 year old is fine. However, when they get older, I feel spanking is less effective. That is when you have to start taking away priviliges. However, I think when children are older, the best thing to do is to keep them busy with sports, clubs, and after school activities. When children hang around other positive children, they tend to be more responsible and take part in responsible things. There is an old saying I like to live by when it comes to kids...., "Idle hands are the devils tools, and idle minds are the devils playground"

Answer 6

Your star chart is a great idea, and it works! We had three smaller rewards along the chart before getting to the bigger reward. When they get tired or bored with the stars, you can use stickers, or smily faces, anything! My kids were right there reminding me to add to the chart, I didn't have to try and remember. lol

Of my 3 sons, the oldest was OMG unruly, and I tried everything with him, including yelling and spanking. All that did was piss him off and created anger in him. I suggest to new parents not to hit their kids, it just teaches them that it's ok to hit others. Same with yelling. Soooooooo.. What to do instead?

First remember that all kids are different. Treat them differently. I didn't yell at my middle son, all he needed was for me to act and sound disappointed, and he'd break into sobs, "I'm sorry mom!", and would shape up his act. My oldest though? ackkkkkkk Thank God by the time my youngest son was 3 years old, I had found out about a great program:

It's called STEP: "Systematic Training For Effective Parenting".. You can get it at book stores.. It's all about choices. I thought, 'omg this will never work'. I was amazzzzzzzzzzed when it did!! I'd simply give my son choices between the wanted behavior and the consequence for disobeying. (example) my youngest son, at 3 years old would go out on our back patio and turn on the hose, leaving it on, then water would run into our back neighbors patio. Whenever he wanted to play out back, I'd just say, "Yes you can, but Nate, listen to me... Leave the water alone, don't touch the water. Then you can play out there........ or........ If you turn the water on, you'll be in your room all by yourself. Now... which do you want to do?" He would choose to play out back and not touch the water. IF, however, he went out there and turned the water on anyway, I didn't have to get mad or yell at him. All I had to do was go out there and act disappointed. "Oh Nate... you chose to touch the water. Now you have to go to your room all by yourself." If he wouldn't go to his room, I'd pick him up and carry him there. lol..

I used the STEP program the longest with my youngest son, of course, since I hadn't known about it when my oldest son was that young. Today my sons are young adult men, and by far, my youngest son turned out to be the most responsible, the healthiest emotionally.

How I wish I'd known about the STEP program when my oldest son was little, he'd be a lot less angry today, have received less spankings, been treated a lot more humanely. We parents do what we can, we do what we know. And doing these kinds of things rather than yelling and spanking are so much better for your child!!!

Answer 7

i only use spanking for very serious offenses like things that can harm them or cost them their lives. i.e. unbuckling their seat belt while i'm driving. running from me in a parking lot etc. i feel that if all offenses get the same punishment then they don't get when it's really serious/dangerous. (i can honestly say they very rarely do the things they got spankings for but i believe it's because they knew it was serious enough to cause me to spank them) for small offenses like back talk etc they go to the time out spot and sit (1 minute for each year of age) when i come to get them from the time out spot we talk about why they were there and they have to verbalize what they did wrong and say sorry. (obviously wouldn't be able to verbalize if they're two or three my kids are 4 and 5) when i see them doing something good like sharing i praise them. if they keep their rooms tidy and pick up the toys then they get 50 cents for that day to put in their money pouch. if they act up when we're in public we leave and go home. (they hate that so generally if i warn them one more offense and we go home they straighten up) if one hits the other they have to say sorry and give each other a hug. also if they don't behave they don't get any special treats (they like to eat a piece of candy when they get home from school if they weren't good at school no piece of candy) if they are whining or fussing when asking for something or telling me something i simply tell them i can't understand them unless they speak properly. once they ask for what they want (like something to drink or permission to do something) with out whining or fussing then they are listened to. my son has now completely stopped whining and fussing. my daughter still has a little way to go on that one! most of the time the calmer you are as a parent and the more you keep your cool the more they learn to do the same. time outs then talking about what happened i find to be effective. my kids are rather well behaved. i also to teach manners refuse to allow them to have their juice (just as an example) until they say please and then say thankyou. generally if we are eating in a restaurant and they are misbehaving all i have to do is give em the raised eyebrow and ask if we need to go to the bathroom to have a conversation. it usually puts them in line. i guess they're afraid of what having a conversation means lol.

Answer 8

You go! Of course there are other effective ways. The star chart is a great idea but try this. Deprive them of priveldges, one at a time. Assign priveledges to bad behaviors. It works like a charm.

Thanks for asking a question to help others!

Answer 9

i have 6 daughters (all grown now) and 9 grand children.i have never spanked my kids or my grand kids. i would ground them according to what they had done when they were small. when they got older i would take there cars away. one daughter got caught shop lifting with a friend i cleaned out her room of every thing but her bed including all her close. i left he 2 pair of jeans and 2 tops and one pair of shoes (the oldest pair she had) and that's what she had to wear for one month. she was 16 at the time. she hated me that whole month. LIKE I CARED LOL. we found out later that she did not take any thing her friend did and she didn't even know till they got caught out side the store. she thought i owed her something for the punishment that she didn't deserve. i told her when she could pick better friends then i would give her her things back.

Answer 10

In my home stickers do not work. Taking privileges away do not work. Time outs don't always work. Do you know what woks? Spanking! I am not afraid to discipline my child. I am their parent. Children who have no discipline grow into adults that aren't disciplined. These adults end up in jail. I for one do not want to end up paying for an undisciplined adult for the rest of their lives because their parent's were too afraid to punish them. No wonder they have to have metal detectors in schools now a days.