A sad situation for a father, what should I do?

Question

I have 2 grown up kids, a 28 yo, male, and a 23 yo, female. They are great persons, have good jobs, my wife and I are proud of them. Unfortunately, none of them likes us. The boy almost hates us, especially me, and the girl doesn't like us at all. I agree we were strict, especially when they were teens, and unfortunately at that age both got in trouble. We had to be harsh, but we did what in our opinion were the right thing to do. We hoped they'd undersdtand us when they got to adulthood, but nothing. The boy is married, will be a father in Feb, we hardly know his wife, and I guess we won't see our his son or daughter. The girl is still single, but I'm afraid she won't change either. Theu accuse me of being a very harsh man, with no feelings, who just worried about authority but didn't care about their feelings and happiness. I agree I used my authority when they lived under my roof, but I've alwyas loved them. Sad, it seems I have to accept my kids will never like, let love, us.

Since my 2 kids are kinda resentful of me and arev good people, probably I did something wrong

Answer 1

Congrats, you feel like you did something wrong. Now stop and think about something, did you raise them the same way that you were raised? Because if you did, then that's what you did wrong, I'm 24, and I feel the same way to my parents, don't get me wrong, I love them, but I'm slowly breaking away from them, they just wont hear me out, sure they may say that they are listening to me when I'm trying to talk to them but they never do, they were always bent on what they said was right. Does this sound like what has happened to you? The first thing I would do is tell them that you are sorry that you never listened to them, that you now know your mistake, a little too late but none the less you have learned a lesson. Its too late to try and make amends for what has happened, but I would tell them that you are sorry, and that you were wrong in not listening to them. The biggest problem I see is that people don't realize that the times that they grew up in aren't the same that us "kids" have been growing up in, you can't use the same method that your parents uesed, you can use some of them, but not all, thats what being a parent is all about, its not living in the footsteps of your parents but making your own. I will say again, tell them that you were wrong in not listening to them, you should have, but you didn't. That right there would be a start in being a good father. Admet that you were wrong, because thats the hardest thing for a parent to do to their kids, is to be wrong infront of them, and them to be right infront of you.

Answer 2

Coming from the side of a daughter of abusive parents, opening up and admitting what you feel would go a long way. When you are consistently put down, punished, never let go anywhere, etc., you can very easily grow to resent the authority figure. You might have been justified in how you ran your house at the time, but I guarantee you your kids were not seeing that. They are seeing the constant control, the constantly being under your thumb, and possibly at least without meaning to, maybe even still trying to control them. I am 40 years old with a 17 year old and a 15 year old and my parents to this day, can not hold a conversation with me without putting me down, critizing or suggesting something that I am not doing right. I am not saying that is what you are doing, but even if you mean well, the fact that you were real controlling then may mean that they overreact to you now.

Answer 3

Most adults have personal issues relating to childhood experiences but the fact of the matter is that there are no rule books or step by step instructions for raising children. Your obvious concern about your current relationship with your children shows that you do love them and always have. It's not easy being a father. I have 4 of my own and more often than not I am the bad guy for doing what I feel is right. I will continue to do so as long as they are in my care. You have nothing to be ashamed of for wanting a better life for your children and doing what you felt was necessary to insure they knew right from wrong and avoided as much of the unnecessary mess that's plagues today's society. Stay proud of your decisions because they are part of what made your children the people they are today. Continue to be patient, loving, and attentive and time heals all wounds whether real or perceived.

Answer 4

Tell them what you have said in this question. If you have to write it in a letter, it might be better. They may change some when they have their own children. When they see how hard it is being a parent, it may help change some of the ideas they have. As grown children, do you still try to be the same kind of parent you did when they were children. My mother changed towards us, she began to see us as adult friends when we were grown. She doesn't interfere with our grown personal lives and I know I respect her for it. She gives advice when we ask most of the time, not as she feels we need it. I try to do the same with my grown children because I respect and admire the way she did with me. My dad was controlling and verbally abusive but I know he never fully recognized that he was doing what had been done to him and I forgave him. He's gone now, but I wrote him a letter at one time telling him how much I appreciated the good things he did for me while I was growing up.

Just let them know you are sorry, you love them and you are available if they need you.

Answer 5

Those resentful feelings are going to be hard for them to get over but tell them you are sorry and you and your wife thought you were doing what you had to do. Call them a lot and ask them about what is going on in their lives. Eventually they will forgive and see that it is much better to have a good relationship with a parent then too let past mistakes run their lives. Good luck .

Answer 6

I really feel for you and your wife. It's heartbreaking if your children reject you. Firstly, have you ever tried telling them how you feel? I mean, say everything you have said here and explain that you were strict because you had their best interests in mind. Tell them that you love them and ask them to tell you how they feel. If you can't talk it out, then still don't give up. Write them each a letter saying how you feel and that you wish to make amends. Say that your door and heart will always be open for them and that you hope they'll oneday consider having you back in their lives. I'm pretty sure that once they have children, they'll come around anyway.....Godd luck!

Answer 7

Send this question to both your children and let them answer it. You can try a letter asking them to join you and mom for coffee and to let them both know that you both will be around if they ever need you. The human is the only animal that holds on to their young. If you and your wife taught them everything to have a good family and how to make it in life then let it go. they may one day return for help, but always let them know you still love them.

Answer 8

I think you should send them both letters, a deep and meaningful one telling them how much you love them and always have done and you did what you did out of love. Do you ever show them affection? Maybe that is what they need. Maybe they think you are a harsh man with no feelings, because as much as you love them maybe you don't show it. All the best

Answer 9

you should get one in each and every of those digital image frames, and receive images of your husband, and his father fishing, and the different pictures he ought to appreciate. look at those article they could answer your question.