How do I parent a strong willed child?

Question

I have a wonderfully loving 4 year old son who can be so sweet and loving one minute and irrational the next if confronted. I have tried many different approaches from very early on. We do not like to spank per say but I have at times when needed or at a loss of what to do. Spanking in turn makes him hit back and kick and from there on it is just a fight. Plus, how silly is it to say "We don't hit" while hitting him. So... we went to time, out only to have him throwing himself all over for what seemed like hours. Next step included sending to the room and that worked for awhile because he was distracted and would come back into the current family situation without any problems. We have now graduated from that to sending to the room accompanied by screaming, yelling, slamming and if I attempt to talk to him he covers his ears. This will even happen if the problem is not severe and just trying to communicate if he is not interested. I am not parenting, just reacting! HELP!!

Answer 1

First, some general observations:
- Spanking is a bad idea. Among other things, it teaches a child that violence is one way to solve problems.
- Avoid power struggles. You are the adult in this relationship.
- Reward is always more effective than punishment.
- Human beings are neither good nor bad. We just are. Certain behaviors, like self-preservation, are hard-wired in us. We need to be taught social skills so we can live in harmony in society.

That being said...
Yes, I think a medical check-up might be in order to rule anything out. However, psychology today seems to want to label every unacceptable behavior as a "disorder." It sounds as if your son has no disorder; he has just found a means of getting his own way that works for him and he is using it to manipulate you. You, the adult, need to teach him what are socially acceptable behaviors and what are not. Despite appearances, children really are more comfortable and secure when they live in a structured environment where limits are set and observed.The two most important tools in your kit are attention and timeout.

ATTENTION is something we all crave. We want praise, recognition, acknowledgement and respect. If your son gets your attention only when he misbehaves, guess what? So give him lots of positive attention. "You're playing so nicely with your trucks." "What a great job picking up your toys." "Thanks for dropping that tissue in the trash." "You were a big help to me tonight." Recognize and praise all the behaviors you want to reinforce. IGNORE as much as possible any negative behaviors. The behavior that is paid attention to is the behavior that will increase.

TIMEOUT is a removal from an unworkable situation. It has a certain structure. It takes place in a room with no distractions, since it is a time for reflection. An empty room is good. Failing that, seat the child in a corner facing the wall. The timeout begins when the child stops yelling/acting out and lasts as long as his age, so a 4-y-o should be in a quiet timeout for 4 minutes. If he resists, you may have to place him in the chair physically and repeatedly, saying each time that timeout begins when he sits quietly. Be patient and consistent. He'll get it sooner or later.

Timeout should always come with a warning. "Please pick up your toys." [noncompliance] "Please pick up your toys now or you will go to timeout." [noncompliance] "All right. Please go to timeout now." If noncompliance continues, you may have to take it to the next level, which would be loss of privilege. "If you don't go to timeout by the count of ten, you will not (name loss of privilege: get to watch tv show, go to sleepover, watch the big game etc.)" At this point the timeout option is gone and has been replaced by loss of privilege. This system works amazingly well as long as you are consistent and never, NEVER back down once you have made a statement.
BTW, when you DO get compliance, recognize and applaud the behavior.

PAY-FORS: occasionally a child will deliberately destroy property. A girl on YA recently told how she broke a window because her parents "wouldn't drive 40 miles to buy me a Wii." Children should be held accountable for destruction or for gross disrespect. Young children do this by giving up a favorite toy for 24-48 hours; if the behavior continues, the time can be extended. Always make sure the child understands exactly what the terms and consequences are.

If you are consistent, set and observe limits, specify your expectations, and make a point of giving your child some one-on-one attention every day, these techniques really work. Good luck with your new parenting skills!

Answer 2

Make only a few rules. Be consistent, and enforce the rules all the time. Don't negotiate.

Spanking is not a bad thing, it is not abuse. You can often get the results you want in much less time with a stiff open hand against the backside.


Be well.


edited to add:
You should also explore the possibility of food allergies. They can cause all sorts of bad behaviour. Search Dr. Phil's site, he had a fellow on once who wrote a book detailing how to discover the foods that are right and wrong for your specific child.

Answer 3

wow, i really hope that i dont have a strong willed child. Have you tried taking toys or tv away from him? Try taking his favorite toy away and put it on top of the cupboards or someplace he can see it everytime hes in that room, make sure you explain to him that he had it taken away because his behavoir was unexceptable and will not be tolerated in your house. Tell him he can earn his toy(or movie whatever) back by being good without any episodes for a certain amount of days. Show him on the calendar, cross off a day with blue for being good and red on a day he lost the toy. If he has another episode before he earns the toy back take another toy away and start a collection where he can earn one back at a time.
If you have other children letting them play with a toy but not him will make him want the toy and maybe work harder to behave in order to have it....
hope this helps good luck

Answer 4

As a nanny with twenty years of experience, i would say that first you need to do some research and make sure that he really is strong willed, or just a bratty kid. Some times it is hard to tell and who wants to admit they have a brat on their hands, ya know? Good job with the no spanking. It just causes more grief and anguish for both of you. Talk to your pediatrician about various methods and go to the bookstore or library! There are several really good books on how to identify and deal with strong willed children. You can figure out from there what will work for you, sorry but it's mainly through trial and error. Mostly, be patient. He will grow up and become easier to reason with! Good luck!

Answer 5

Look for the book online or at the book store call The Strong Willed Child by Dr. James Dobson.

Answer 6

Okay, first take him to his pediatrician for a complete check up and neurological workup. See what the tests reveal. If his problem is physical, the doctor can prescribe medications.

If it's not physical, your next step is a psychological evaluation. Ask your pediatrician for a referral. If your son's problem is psychological, the psychiatrist or psychologist (depending on your referral) can prescribe therapy and/or medication (medication can only be prescribed by a doctor -- so if your son sees a psychologist then his pediatrician will need to prescribe the medicines).

If his medical and psych evaulations come back negative or borderline (no medications prescribed) then you can work with a therapist to learn how to best channel your son's energy and emotions.

Answer 7

. . . spare the rod . . .

My 14 year old son is over 200lbs and much bigger than me already. If he had not been corporeally punished I would not be able to handle him now. I don't condone beating or hitting in anger, but a spanking with a reasoned discussion does wonders.

Answer 8

doctor visits? geesh nice answers!

my opinion ONLY....you need to be consistent with the punishment. either give him time out or send him to his room. i say time out...sending him to his is not really punishment b/c he has toys and such in there...is that really showing him punishment for his actions...not really (i learned this).

if you use time out use the same place every time...don't change it. put him in time out, get down to his level and tell him why he is in time out...whether he listens or not. then walk away. leave him in time out for 1min of each yr for his age 4yrs old=4min...if he comes out before that time put him back in and tell him he has to stay another min in time out for leaving before his time was up.

do your best to stay calm, be consistent with the punishment, amount of time, and the place of punishment.....with my boys i realized that when in time out, if you ignore them...eventually they realize that kicking, hitting, screaming and such isn't affecting you and will calm down.

try some of that and see if it works, don't always assume that his behavior means he has something wrong with him and you have to get a doctors opinion. he's 4yrs old and being typical for some 4yr olds...

Answer 9

The main problem with children is how to live with them. The adult is the problem in child raising, not the child. A good, stable adult with love and tolerance in his heart is about the best therapy a child can have.

The main consideration in raising children is the problem of training them without breaking them. You want to raise your child in such a way that you don’t have to control him, so that he will be in full possession of himself at all times. Upon that depends his good behavior, his health, his sanity.

Children are not dogs. They can’t be trained like dogs are trained. They are not controllable items. They are, and let’s not overlook the point, men and women. A child is not a special species of animal distinct from man. A child is a man or a woman who has not attained full growth.

Any law which applies to the behavior of men and women applies to children.

How would you like to be pulled and hauled and ordered about and restrained from doing whatever you wanted to do? You’d resent it. The only reason a child “doesn’t” resent it is because he’s small. You’d half murder somebody who treated you, an adult, with the orders, contradiction and disrespect given to the average child. The child doesn’t strike back because he isn’t big enough. He gets your floor muddy, interrupts your nap, destroys the peace of the home instead. If he had equality with you in the matter of rights, he’d not ask for this “revenge.” This “revenge” is standard child behavior.

Self-determinism is that state of being wherein the individual can or cannot be controlled by his environment according to his own choice. In that state the individual has self-confidence in his control of the material universe and other people.

A child has a right to his self-determinism. You say that if he is not restrained from pulling things down on himself, running into the road, etc., etc., he’ll be hurt. What are you as an adult doing to make that child live in rooms or an environment where he can be hurt? The fault is yours, not his, if he breaks things.

The sweetness and love of a child is preserved only so long as he can exert his own self-determinism. You interrupt that and to a degree you interrupt his life.

There are only two reasons why a child’s right to decide for himself has to be interrupted – the fragility and danger of his environment and you. For you work out on him the things that were done to you, regardless of what you think.

When you give a child something, it’s his. It’s not still yours. Clothes, toys, quarters, what he has been given, must remain under his exclusive control. So he tears up his shirt, wrecks his bed, breaks his fire engine. It’s none of your business. How would you like to have somebody give you a Christmas present and then tell you, day after day thereafter, what you are to do with it and even punish you if you failed to care for it the way the donor thinks you should? You’d wreck that donor and ruin that present. You know you would. The child wrecks your nerves when you do it to him. That’s revenge. He cries. He pesters you. He breaks your things. He “accidentally” spills his milk. And he wrecks the possession on purpose about which he is so often cautioned. Why? Because he is fighting for his own self-determinism, his own right to own and make his weight felt on his environment. This “possession” is another channel by which he can be controlled. So he has to fight the possession and the controller.

Doubtless, some people were so poorly raised they think control is the neo plus ultra (highest point) of child raising. If you want to control your child, simply break him into complete apathy and he’ll be as obedient as any hypnotized half-wit. If you want to know how to control him, get a book on dog training, name the child Rex and teach him first to “fetch” and then to “sit up” and then to bark for his food. You can train a child that way. Sure you can. (I'm being sarcastic!)

Of course, you’ll have a hard time of it. This is a human being. It will be tough because man became king of the beasts only because he couldn’t as a species be licked. He doesn’t easily go into an obedient apathy like dogs do. Men own dogs because men are self-determined and dogs aren’t.

The reason people started to confuse children with dogs and started training children with force lies in the field of psychology. The psychologist worked on “principles” as follows:

“Man is evil.”

“Man must be trained into being a social animal.”

“Man must adapt to his environment.”

As these postulates aren’t true, psychology doesn’t work. And if you ever saw a wreck, it’s the child of a professional psychologist. Attention to the world around us instead of to texts somebody thought up after reading somebody’s texts, shows us the fallacy of these postulates.

The actuality is quite opposite the previous beliefs.

The truth lies in this direction:

Man is basically good.

Only by severe aberration can man be made evil. Severe training drives him into nonsociability.

Man must retain his personal ability to adapt his environment to him to remain sane.

A man is as sane and safe as he is self-determined.

In raising your child, you must avoid “training” him into a social animal. Your child begins by being more sociable, more dignified than you are. In a relatively short time the treatment he gets so checks him that he revolts. This revolt can be intensified until he is a terror to have around. He will be noisy, thoughtless, careless of possessions, unclean-anything, in short, which will annoy you. Train him, control him and you’ll lose his love. You’ve lost the child forever that you seek to control and own.

Answer 10

slip a lil sleepaid into their drink lol