How do you tell your mother you want a deeper relationship?

Question

When my mother calls, she seems to always want to dump/barf all her troubles/problems in the 30 minutes we talk. Never really caring about mylife. (selfish, no?) I understand she might not have ever learned proper communication from her mom, but today I told her over the phone that relationships are 2-way, and that I want a relationship that communicates and encourages each other, and she hung up on me.

Answer 1

Family and relationships question. Here, they'll either tell you to accept Jesus into your heart, or insist that there is a mass of evidence to support evolution. (Which there is.)

Answer 2

I totally sympathize, as my mom is the same way. When I try to interject, she usually interrupts, but she's never hung up on me for saying I want a 2-way relationship! It is probably what you said, that she was never taught proper (polite!) communication.

Also, many older and/or lonely people just want and "ear to bend". They're not interested in the problems of others, even their own kids'! You probably won't change her now, but what you CAN do is let her know that, unless she starts listening to YOU, you will not be listening to HER, and that your conversations will be much shorter! It IS annoying to listen to someone drone on and on about petty stuff (your mom's).

She MIGHT come around but I doubt it. Just because she's a mom doesn't mean she's a sympathetic person.Try finding other people, like friends, in whom you can confide. I have one friend who's an excellent listener and very sympathetic. You might also try a support group, if you have bigger issues. Your mom might feel overwhelmed by your problems, but others may not.

When you have kids, make sure you keep a better line of communication with them than what you have w/your mom and you'll know you're helping them more than you were helped! My kid and I talk all the time and it feels great!

Addendum: to parents who abnegate their responsibility for how their kids turned out, I say: get real! Who gave birth to them? YOU! Who "raised" them? YOU! Who yelled at them, told them whether they were worthwhile or not, whether they deserved love, success and happiness? YOU! If you don't like the truth, too bad!

Any attempt to blame a kid's problems entirely on the kid is not only cowardly but cruel and unrealistic. Accept your role in how he/she turned out and DEAL with it! Shuffling them off into an institution or worse, "boot camp" is NOT a solution, it only serves the parents' self-serving motives!

Answer 3

My son is in a mental institution. He is 16 and for the longest time, when he would call me, which was 2 days a week, all he would do was complain. About the staff, the food, the other kids, etc. He tried to escape and when he found out he had a 2 day pass to come home for thanksgiving, he became uncontrollable and not only lost his pass but got his release date moved back.
The last call I got from him, I told him that I love him and he will always have a home with me. I want him to get married in my livingroom and bring his kids over to spend time with me, but, if all he was going to do was dump all of his negativity on me right now, then I would rather he just not call. All of his troubles are due to his own actions ( as it is with most troubles ) and only he can fix it, so dumping on me all the time only depresses both of us.
Let her know that you love her and will always accept her, but some people just cannot function around that much negativity.

Answer 4

I would call her and ask her why she hung up on you and if she would like the same thing done to her. Either she raised you not to be selfich or she did but either way you dont act like th at. She has no reason to get mad and I'm not going to say that I would call her a ***** or nothing because I wouldnt do that to my mom, but even though she's your mom you dont have to take her ****. This is your choice but before you just take someones advice think over what your going to say and dont just try to make her happy because she will get over this but try to work it out. If you have any questions about my advice then im me.

Answer 5

Try doing things with her, actions speak louder than words sometimes. Also, she is maybe comfortable with her relationship with you because you are fulfilling a need in her life. She appears to be so comfortable with the exchange that she doesn't want to change and you hurt her feelings when you suggested she should. Tell her how you will change for her and it should become mutual.

Answer 6

Try approaching her with love and make her aware of what your needs are as her child. Maybe it is something that would be best to do in person? Try to avoid any anger despite how she may act. It sounds as if she may have some trouble communicating and opening up with her emotions.

Good luck!

Answer 7

That is to bad. I would give anything for my grown children to want to talk to me and tell me what you have told your mother. She does not realize how lucky she is. How nice of you to listen for 30 minutes. I pray that she realizes what a blessing that you are and changes her mind. Maybe she will think of what you said and call back to listen. Peace out.

Answer 8

Sorry about that. Call her back, and tell her you're intention was not to offend her. You should then think of positive things to share with her. If you do this, you'll be amazed at the change.

Answer 9

I am sorry to hear that. Some people will be stubborn in their ways- but continue showing her you love her- listen to her and pray for her. Are you a christian? Pray that the Lord would soften her heart and give her compassion for you- and a heart that listens and encourages. But continue encouraging her and showing her love- so that she will see the love of Christ in you.