My husband and I are living in an apartment right now and we pay a LOT of money every month for rent. We could actually buy a house and have some land and it would cost us the same or even a little less. When his mom passes away, we are going to be moving into her house (She could very possibly live another 30 to 40 years without a problem.) and he won't sit down and have a conversation with me about finding a home. His mom hates my guts and she will have nothing to do with either of her grandchildren because she hates me so much and I don't even care to live in her home when she does die. I want to have a home of our own. (Keep in mind that she does NOT have anything in writing that says we even get the house when she dies and there are two other children in the family.) I can understand his point of view, but he won't understand mine. I don't want to rent for 30 years! He is the only one that works while I take care of our kids and he feels that all big decisions are his to make. ???
2006-12-05 02:28:33 · 12 answers · asked by T 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Well, why have you gotten to the point where your husband thinks he's king of the castle? When did you cede all power to your husband? It's time to take some power back. You need to sit him down and say the decision-making dynamic in your family is NOT working. You will need to be very firm and refuse to give in to him again because he obviously enjoys having the power and views your input as inconsequential because he doesn't value you for being a SAHM. Now is the time to nip this situation in the bud or I fear that you are going to end up as one of the many women I see in their 40s and 50s who realize that they surrendered their entire life to a man who actually does not value them at all. In the end, he will respect you more for standing up to him.
And I'll be frank about the house situation -- your husband is an idiot if he thinks it's good economic sense to rent for that long when you could have purchased a home. You two are throwing your money away and for what? The MIL is going to hold that house over your head forever and given that she hates you and her own grandchildren, dollars to donuts that in the end, that house will not be given to your family anyway.
Moreover, if his mother is acting like this to his wife and children, then why in the world is your husband putting up with this behavior? Doesn't he respect you and his own children? He needs to tell her to start acting better or he will no longer see her. The fact that he hasn't done so is, sadly, perhaps indicative of how he views you and the children -- as nothing important. People do what is important to them and the fact that he's willing to put your life on hold and not stand up for you in favor of her tells me that he does not view you as important enough.
I'm sorry to be harsh, but I've seen this situation you are in before and unless you do something now, you have decades of problems ahead of you. So IMO, you need to do something painful/difficult (Standing up for yourself) now to reap long term benefits.
2006-12-05 02:38:42 · answer #1 · answered by Karen L 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I had similar issues with my husband when I was staying home raising our children for 5 years. He always thought that because I didn't bring in a paycheck, that I shouldn't have the final say on any big purchases. It took me some time to make him realize that being a full time mom is a job and tho it doesn't have a paycheck involved, he'd spend a fortune on the maid, cook and daycare to cover my "job" at home.
I don't think it's right for a stay at home mom to be removed from making financial decisions ever. I'm not sure how to tell you to go about your situation tho, as I would be a total b**ch about it, seriously. I demanded that I be part of the decision making process, or I would go back to work so that I could be entitled to my input. My husband finally gave in on that one.
You so should be buying a home. Why throw money away on renting when you can actually gain something from that much of a payment out each month. That's what I told my husband when he didn't want to invest yet and continue to rent and fortunately, he finally came to agree.
2006-12-05 02:59:11 · answer #2 · answered by Sweet Cakes 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like letting the guy make the decisions - that way when they screw up you can sit back and think to yourself "I told you so". I don't think women should be a footstool, and I commend you for being a stay at home mom, but he is making the money right now, so should have the say on how to spend it. If he's silly enough to throw it away on rent, so be it. You really have very little say in the matter of your in-law's home, too. Don't hold your breath.
2006-12-05 02:57:25 · answer #3 · answered by susie 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Marriage is a partnershyou stay at home--do laundry--take care of the kids--cook dinner--clean house--see to everyone's needs including his. That is a job all its own. You both should be making decisions together--as far as the house thing--your husband needs make concessions with you and put the money where the investment could earn you money back in the future--such as putting money into a house--not into a landlords pocket.
2006-12-05 02:35:00 · answer #4 · answered by smeezleme 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
No. Decisions affecting the family require two people to decide on together. If the kids are old enough, their opinions can also be taken, even if they don't get a final say.
Your husband sounds controlling (maybe using the fact that he's the breadwinner as his trump card). He needs to see that you are not satisfied with your current situation and the two of you need to come to some kind of compromise in this situation.
2006-12-05 02:33:05 · answer #5 · answered by tipper 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He's not your Dad he's your Husband. Perhaps you should point that out. With out whining. If this is something you are very serious about. Then treat it serious with him. If he is unable to consider your feelings now...You've got a long road ahead of you.
Marriage counseling. If he refuses. Start re evaluating the marriage. You have the right to live a happy life. But you have to decide what you're willing to do to get it.
2006-12-05 02:35:00 · answer #6 · answered by Steph 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I agree that you need counseling. He sounds very controlling. Marriage should be a partnership and he should be willing to listen to and consider your ideas. You may take care of the kids and he works but (as you know) that's an important job and plenty of work too! Good luck. â¥
2006-12-05 03:06:21 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
No its not ok, stand up for your Rights, you have 50 percent invested in this marriage, so sit and talk to him. Who said he was the only one working, honey your working very hard but you just don't get paid with money, you will see your pay is in love by your kids.
So talk it out, make him see your reasons.
2006-12-05 02:35:37 · answer #8 · answered by Taz 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As long as he at least consults you and you approve, I see it as a joint effort, because your input makes it okay or not okay. I cant wait to be a wife with a "take charge" husband, but like I said- the wife's opinion should ALWAYS matter and she utimately gives the approval.
2006-12-05 02:32:35 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
50/50 or nothing at all is how it works in our house.
2006-12-05 02:31:14 · answer #10 · answered by noonee333 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋