My Friend is suffering from depression but doesn't want help. What should I do?

Question

I used to go out with this guy but we broke up on good terms and we are still good friends. Recently however, I think that he may be suffering with depression, and has been for a very long time, much longer than I have known him for. He is very "down and out", his moods can be very varied, he has lost a lot of self-confidence and I know he feels very lost in his life (ie which direction he is going in). He is 28, lives with his Mum (who does everything for him) and doesn't like his job. He cant afford to buy a house and wont rent. He feels in a hole and can't get out.

I suggested to him the other day whether he thought he had depression too and he just shrugged his shoulders and started welling up which is so unlike him. I just think that he would benefit from going to see a professional about it all but he is just not the type to even consider it.

Can I ask for peoples opinions on this as to how to help him. I dont know what to do.

Thanks

Jo

Answer 1

I really do feel for you.

I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression a couple of months ago, but totally denied anything was wrong me. I put on a brave face to everyone and kept my feelings to myself.

It wasn't until one day I just completely broke down due to something so stupid getting to me. It was then that I had to admit to myself and my husband that there was something wrong. I made an appointment to see the doctor, who were so supportive and offered me a mild anti-depresent and counselling sessions.

I took the tablets for a few weeks and took some time off work to try and get myself back on my feet. I'm slowly getting there and still have bad days but not as bad as they were.

The only advice that I can give you is to be there for your friend and offer support. Try and get him to open up about his feeling and talk to yourself or try and get him to see the doctor. But whatever you do do not force him into it, he will eventually open up, you just need to be there when he does.

Good luck and hope everything goes ok ;-)

Answer 2

Firstly can I say that not everyone who seems depressed is.

Also not everyone who is depressed can acknowledge that they are, which makes it difficult for those around them to cope.
In reality there is not a lot you can do for your friend other than be his friend.

I don't think that it is a good idea to press him to go for therapy for something that he cannot identify himself. Sometimes a person has to reach the bottom before they will be able to seek or accept help.

In the meantime I suggest that you carry on your friendship as normal, without it becoming a patient/carer type relationship, or you might end up forgetting why you are friends in the first place.

However you should remain vigilant. Any suggestion of suicidal thoughts or behaviour should always be taken seriously. Likewise any behaviour that is extremely unusual should be noted.
If you felt that there was ever cause for grave concern , you could always speak to NHS 24 (08454 24 24 24) and discuss the situation with a nurse/doctor.

Remember though that you have your life to lead, and getting too caught up in your friends "problem" won't do you any good either.

I hope things work out well for you both.

Answer 3

Firstly-he is lucky to have friend like you who has noticed how down he is. My husband suffered with depression after losing 3 close family members in a year and i have suffered with it all my life on and off. Personally i think counselling will only help if there is a specific trigger to the depression-as in the case of my husband. i have been told most people suffer bouts at some point or another during their lives but not everyone recognises it for what it is.
It seems like he has just got stuck in rut-at 28 his friends must be settling down, buying houses having kids and maybe he feels left behind. Keep talking to him, suggest nights out, taking classes to get a better job. encourage him as much as possible and although it sounds cruel point out to him that he is the only one who can change his life-the more he wallows in self pity the less likely anything is to change.
Don't indulge him or make him feel that he has been hard done by-this will only make him feel he needs looking after-help him help himself and don't get drawn in to the circle of dependency.

Answer 4

Depression is a really difficult thing. There are a few things that you can do to help.

1. Be very honest with your friend. Tell him that you think that he has depression, and that you will be there to help him through it, to listen, without making judgements and to talk as much as he needs, and that you think he needs professional help.

2. Depression often springs from feelings of powerlessness, and it may be a good time to talk about this with your friend. Make a list, he feels powerless because:-
a. His mother does everything for him, so he does not feel in charge of his life, more like a child
b. He may be feeling that because he cannot afford to buy or rent his own home that this power has been removed from him too

Try to talk with him through what other reasons might make him feel powerless, and how he might regain this control over his life.

3. One of our most basic instincts - the fight or flight response, is often at the root of depression. When we do not or are not able to act on our appropriate flight or fight response this can lead to depression, for example, if we are taught as children to be very polite and quiet, where our appropriate reaction to something a bit scary happening should be to fight back, we use our training instead to accept this thing, and the more we push our appropriate anger below the surface the more we push ourselves towards a feeling of powerlessness and depression.

4. The best thing that you can do for your friend is to talk to him and encourage him to be himself, and perhaps talk to his Mum too, and see if she can be persuaded to stop from doing everything for him, so that he can become a grown up and get his life straight.

Good luck - its a long journey.

Answer 5

As a depressed person, you have to reach the "I need help" point where need outweighs any sense of personal pride before you seek it (and why does that always happen in the middle of the night? ).

Where each person's point is presumably varies but it took me years. Often there will be a straw that breaks the camel's back type of incident when you realise it's time to force yourself to seek help. That he didn't deny it when you suggested depression would imply to me that deep down, he knows.

Just as it's recognised as being extremely hard for alcoholics to stand up and say they need help, the same is true of depression. When the time is right, he'll ask but it takes guts. Obviously he needs help from his GP but you can't force the issue, I'm afraid...

NHS Community Mental Health Teams (CMHT) often have waiting lists so psychotherapeutic help might not be immediately forthcoming. They do prioritise cases based on need though...

Answer 6

there is not any confident fire answer to the placement. some people get depressed and conversing to others may cause them to greater depressed or lead them into thinking there is greater there than meant, perchance even tying them to you so which you grow to be their reason for going on. on the different hand, some persons are so a ways long previous that they simply choose a type word from somebody. all people. Its fairly as much as you to come back to a decision the place your chum falls as you already know them greater efficient than we do. i will basically say that doing no longer something isn't the terrific process action. i've got lost a chum that I commonly think of i ought to have executed some thing to save and its no longer a stable element to be left thinking approximately. terrific of luck to you and your chum...

Answer 7

A good friend of mine was much the same as yours.
He needs to find the root cause of what is making him feel like this, if he wont go to a professional, just be there for him and encourage him to talk about whatever he needs to get off his chest!! - Once he realises what is making him feel this way, he can then do something about it!!!
Keep positive and don't give up on him!!
as much as you hate to see him like this, i can guarantee he hates feeling like this more!!!

Answer 8

Just be there for him, if he wants 2 talk or needs to cry. He's lucky to have a friend like you, he sounds like a sensitive sweet person (i hope u don't my saying this)!
I had a friend who was going through a tough time & he's the kind of person who won't talk to anyone & all i could do was pray for him, it did help alot.
The only other thing I can suggest is if you could take him to see a healer; they are very gentle & kind
you can find one nearest to you from this site & they don't charge donations only):

http://www.nfsh.org.uk/component/option,com_wrapper/Itemid,70/

with luv

Answer 9

I have a boyfriend who has the same problem, he is on Paxil but won't see a therapist. I can't force him into therapy because HE has to be the one who wants to do it.. I can't make him do it.

It's kinda like being an alchoholic, if they don't admit to having a problem, they won't want to recieve help.

The best thing you can do is encourage him to see someone, but if he simply refuses, then there isn't much you can do (sadly).

You could state to him the benefits of seeing someone, remember it doesn't hurt to suggest things, but if he is unwilling, you can't force the issue.

Answer 10

All you can do is be there for him and never give up trying. My friend was like this for a year and all I could do was talk when she wanted to and generally let her know I was always available when she needed me. She is much better now... Hope ya friend gets better xX :-)