For Muslims Only!!! A Question on living after marriage!?

Question

Assalamu' Alaikum!

I'm newly married and struggling with coping the life after marriage. My husband isn't from here so me and him are living with my parents. My question is what can i do to please both my husband and my parents. I want to make both of them happy but it seems that sometimes i'll do something or say something that'll offend him or my parents. Also, how can i please my sister as well?

Jazakumullah so much in advance!!

Answer 1

To help strengthening the Muslim families and spread the teachings of Islam in building families, the Muslim Students' Association at the University of Alberta prepared a extremely summarized translation for two books. The books are Arabic by Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed. An Egyptian scholar, who graduated from the Islamic University of AlMadinah Al-Munawwarah in Saudi Arabia. The two books are:
1- How to make your wife happy
2- How to make your husband happy

These books exceed the traditional presentation of stating rights and duties to the 'Adab (good manners) and extend into application of these rights in daily life. The following summary highlights mainly the responsibilities or examples of what could or should be done. Every single item mentioned by the author is supported by evidences from Qur'an, Sunnah or the actions of the companions, but evidences are omitted in this translation. The following is the translation of the SECOND book.

This translation is copyrighted to MSA at University of Alberta. Feel free to repost it or reprint it by all means, provided that you do not make any changes, additions, or omissions without permission.

1. Beautiful Reception. After returning from work, school, travel, or whatever has separated you, begin with a good greeting



Meet him with a cheerful face.
Beautify and perfume yourself
Start with good news and delay any bad news until he has rested
Receive him with loving and yearning sentences
Make hard efforts for excellence of the food & having it ready on time.

2. Beautify and Soften the Voice


For your husband only, it shouldn't be used in front of non-mahram men (men who can marry you if you were unmarried)

3. Smelling Good and Physical Beautification


Taking good care of your body and fitness
Put on nice and attractive clothes and perfumes
Bath regularly and, after the monthly period, remove any blood traces or bad smells
Avoid that your husband observes you in dirty clothes or rough shape
Avoid prohibited types of ornamentation, e.g. tatoo
Use the types of perfumes, colors, and clothes that the husband likes
Change hair style, perfumes, etc. from time to time
However with these things you should avoid excessiveness and, of course, only act as such in front of mahrem men and women.

4. Intercourse


Hasten for intercourse when your husband feels compulsion for it.
Keep your body clean and smelling good as possible including cleaning yourself of released fluids during intercourse.
Exchange loving phrases with your husband.
Leave your husband to fully satisfy his desire.
Choose suitable times and good occasions for exciting your husband, and encouraging him to do intercourse, e.g. after returning from a travel, weekends, etc.

5. Satisfaction With What Allah (SWT) Has Allotted


You shouldn't be depressed because your husband is poor or works in a simple job.
You should look at poor, sick, and handicapped people and remember Allah (SWT) for all that was given to you
You should remember that real wealth lays in Iman and piety.

6. Indifference to Worldly Things


You should not consider this world as your hope and interest
You should not ask your husband for many unnecessary things
Asceticism does not mean not to enjoy what is good and permissible (Halal), but it means that one should look forward to the hereafter and utilize whatever Allah SWT gave them to achieve paradise (Jannah).
Encourage your husband to reduce expenses and save some money in order to give charity and feed poor and needy people.

7. Appreciation


By the saying of the prophet, the majority of people in hell were women because they were ungrateful and deny the good done to them.
The result of being grateful is that your husband will love you more and will do his best to please you in more ways
The result of being ungrateful is that your husband will be dissappointed and will start asking himself: Why should I do good to her, if she never appreciates?

8. Devotion and Loyalty


In particular in times of calamities in your husband's body or business, e.g. an accident or a bankruptcy
Supporting him through your own work, money, and properties if needed.

9. Compliance to Him


In all what he commands you, unless it is prohibited (Haram).
In Islam, the husband is the leader of the family, and the wife is his support and consultant

10. Pleasing Him If He Is Angry


First off, try to avoid what will guarantee his anger.
But if it happens that you can't, then try to appease him as follows:
1- If you mistaken, then apologize
2- If he mistaken then:
# Keep still instead of arguing or
# Yield you were right or
# Wait until he is no longer angry and discuss the matter peacefully with him.
3- If he was angry because of external reasons then:
# Keeping silent untill his anger goes
# Find execuses for him, e.g. tired, problems at work, some one insulted him
# Do not ask many questions and insist on knowing what happened, e.g.
1) You should tell me what happened?
2) I must know what made you so angry.
3) You are hidding something, and I have the right to know
11. Guardianship While He is Absent


Protecting yourself from any prohibited relations
Keep the secrets of the family, particularly intercourse and things that the husbands don't like other people to know
Take care of the house and children
Take care of his money and properties
Do not go out of your house without his permission and put on full hijab
Refuse people whom he does not like to come over
Do not allow any non-mahram man to be alone with you in any place
Be good with his parents and relatives in his absence

12. Showing Respect for his Family and Friends


You should welcome his guests and try to please them, especially his parents
You should avoid problems as much as you can with his relatives
You should avoid putting him is a position where he had to choose between his mother and his wife
Show good hospitality for his guests by arranging a nice place for them to sit in, perfection of food, welcoming their wives, etc.
Encourage him to visit his relatives and invite them to your home.
Phone his parents and sisters, send letters to them, buy gifts for them, support them in calamities, etc.

13. Admirable Jealousy


Jealousy is a sign for wife's love for her husband but it should be kept within the limits of Islam, e.g. not insulating or backbiting others, disrespecting them, etc.
You should not follow or create unfounded doubts.

14. Patience and Emotional Support


Be patient when you face poverty and strained circumstances.
When you face calamities and disasters that may happen to you, your husband, your children, relatives or properties, e.g. diseases, accidents, death, etc.
When facing hardships in Da'wah (imprisonment, getting fired, arrested, etc.), be patient and encourage him to keep on the path of Allah and remind him of paradise.
When he mistreats you, counteract his ill-treatment by good treatment

15. Support in Obedience to Allah, Da'wah and Jihad


Cooperate with your husband and remind him of different obligatory and voluntary worships.* Encourage him to pray at night.
Listen and reciting the Qur'an individually and with your husband.
Listen to Islamic tapes and songs individually and with your husband.
Remember Allah SWT much, particularly after Fajr and before Maghrib.
Share in arranging Da'wah activities for women and children.
Learn Islamic rules (ahkam) and good manners ('adab) for women.
Support your husband's activities by encouraging him, offering wise opinions, soothing his pains, etc.
Yielding some of your rights and a part of your time with your husband for Da'wah.
Encourage him to go for Jihad when needed and remind him that you and children will be in the preservation of Allah SWT.

15. Good Housekeeping


Keep it clean, decorated and well arranged.
Change house arrangements from time to time to avoid boredom.
Perfect of food and prepare healthy foods.
Learn all the necessary skills for managing the house, e.g. sewing.
Learn how to raise children properly and in an Islamic way.

17. Preservation of Finances and the Family


Do not spend from his money, even for charity without his permission unless you are sure that he agrees on this.
Protect his house, car, etc. while he is absent.
Keep the children in good shape, clean clothes, etc. Take care of their nutrition, health, education, manners, etc. Teach them Islam and tell them the stories of the Prophets and companions.

Finally, please make Du'a for the writer; Sheikh Mohammad Abdelhaleem Hamed, for the translator brother Abu Talhah and for reviewer Br. Adam Qurashi. Remember this is not a perfect translation so forgive us our faults and correct our errors.

Answer 2

Life after marriage is not easy, even if you live on your own,
concentrate on your husband now and your new life with him, your family should know you well by now , there is no need please them, if you are all on good terms then why should you offend anyone?

Always new things are difficult, just be yourself and you will do just great.

Answer 3

Wa Alaikum Salaam

Always try to please Allah first.
Don't violate your husband's rights while trying to fulfil your parent's rights and vice versa.

If your husband asks you to do something for him, I think you will have to listen to him first, and then to your parents; unless it is an emergency situation.

Eg. If your husband asks for a glass of water and your mum asks you for a favour at the same time, you will probably have to listen to him first then do what your mum asks for.
But if your mum's requirement is more urgent, eg. if she has fallen down and needs a hand to pull her up, then you should probably attend to her first and then attend to your husband.

Don't criticize one in the presence of the other.
Always treat your husband with dignity and respect.

Hope this helps!

Answer 4

Congratulations....
If you only think about pleasing Allah, you will have the strength to bear harshness from others. It might be hard, but If you don't attack them, why should they have any problem?
If they press you and a word comes out that hurt them, just say sorry.
I hope you have the patience to tolerate.

Answer 5

Thank you for this question.

Your only duty now is to your husband. He should be defending you to your parents and your sister, that is his responsibility as a Muslim husband.

You have no need to make your parents happy, get out of their house as soon as possible.

By the way, ignore the posting from the MSA. That is a bunch of Saudi claptrap.



If you want more info on this you can write to me through my profile.

And Allah knows best.

Peace and Blessings,

Imam Salim

Answer 6

That only makes sense in any given married situation. I'm not muslim(or anything else particularly) but that seems to be in accordance with natural law as well. ty for answering imam.

Answer 7

waalaikummussalam...
for a muslim women who is still not married, their priority is towards their parents..but after theyre married..their responsible is more towards their husband...
1)husband..2)parents...
for muslim men..their responsible before and after marriage is still 1)parents....
wassalam...

Answer 8

why is this question for Muslims only? Like care, but If i put for Christan's only I would get abuse

Answer 9

You could accept Jesus and stop living a false life