But they continue to be mad at you any way. Their father was abusive and yet he can have a relationship with them, and there seems to be no expectations on him. Yet, when I have said something that makes them mad at me, it isn't okay for me to be upset, hurt or what ever because they are. My younger son hasn't talked to me for over a year now, he doesn't like my husband; my oldest daughter came to town but didn't call or come see me; my youngest daughter can get mad at me, and I'm suppose to sit back and be okay with it, with no reactions, esp. hurt or anger. When I try to say any thing about how their behavior has made me feel, I get "It isn't about you, Mom." Well who in the hell is it about then, if it isn't about all the "wrongs" I have committed when they were little, and now that they are grown!? It doesn't matter what I say, don't say, don't do, do, they are going to find something to be mad at me about. I would love to say it doesn't really bother me, and that I'm not upset.
2006-12-04 19:18:52 · 18 answers · asked by Ikeg 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
It isn't about you mom....it's about THEM. They haven't passed on the anger is all inside, they aren't really GROWN UP YET!
Some people will eventually GET IT! others will never and there lives will always be filled with anger and resentment. They may never understand that anyone can become a parent but it doesn't necessarily mean parents all know what they are doing. Parents can only do what they can, with what they know, and sometimes what they know may not be enough. Parents do make mistakes.
It's okay for you to sit back and listen and not say a word to them because it wont matter what you say, as long as you get to spend time with them that's all that should count.
We live and learn and life goes on hopefully it gets better with each generation.
2006-12-04 19:38:02 · answer #1 · answered by SecretFriend 3 · 2⤊ 2⤋
It sounds like you understand what is required of an adult, but you are so preoccupied with your life before that you feel you can't change it. I'm sorry you had such a bad childhood, some parents aren't great. But you are an adult now and can change. You are no longer dependent upon your parents to bring you up. Have you talked to a counselor? It sounds like you really should. Also, try getting into church. I had a rough childhood too and being involved in church and being a Christian, knowing that God would take care of me when no one else would was the only thing that kept me moving. Now I am 22, a stay at home mom/wife, and I have the best husband and most adorable 1 year old boy. Just because you had a bad life doesn't mean it can't be good. Don't dwell on what happened.
2016-03-13 03:35:06 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It totally understand how you feel. I'm going through something similar. Everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect, especially parents. We all do the best with what we know at the time. I didn't have a "Brady" childhood and resented my parents for a while in my teens. But in my early 20's I had an epiphany and went into therapy for about a year. It was the healthiest thing ever I did. If your children don't go to resolve any issues they're not dealing with - there's nothing you can do about that. But, you might want to consider going just to deal with all these feelings of rejection.
I know I felt a whole lot better after I did. I will pray for you. God Bless You.
2006-12-04 19:48:58 · answer #3 · answered by j b 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
They are angry with you for the same reason their abuse continued during their childhoods - nobody wants to face daddy. You couldn't face him then, they can't face him now - the S*** rolls downhill and you are on the receiving end.
I don't know how open any of you are to the idea of counseling; and I'm not so sure how effective it would be, anyway. One thing for sure - when they say "It isn't about you, Mom" - IT ISN'T.
I would bet my bottom dollar that you are, in one fashion or another, still giving the impression that you defend the actions of their father.
When it comes to family dysfunction, there is NO getting past the damage until it is acknowledged, whether the kids are 3 or 30. Sit down with your kids. Have an HONEST heart to heart with them. Apologize for what you did, or didn't do. Acknowledge their pain and their right to feel it. Then make an agreement to PUT IT IN THE PAST. Do this genuinely and sincerely with each of them. If they still insist on carrying a grudge, THEN it is on THEM.
2006-12-04 21:45:42 · answer #4 · answered by isaidno 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am dealing with the same issue and that is after I have helped raise my only grandchild for the last 5 years, I was a good enough caregiver to save my daughter time and money, paying for her bankruptcy, helping her finance several cars, etc. and now suddenly I cannot see my grandson and I am out of their lives, so I am trying to move on, difficult, but reading helps, read biographies, no one gets out of life without some serious problems, exercise helps, being physically tired helps, friends, music all help. Time may or maynot help, but every single day find something to enjoy, s joke, a sunset, a friendly smile.
2014-08-22 19:41:16 · answer #5 · answered by Patsy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Leave them to their own demise!
2016-06-20 09:36:53 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a really difficult question, because on the face of it it would seem that you cant do any more than what you are and that your children are just grumpy and ungateful people who should just grow up and get a life. BUT and this is the biggy, whatever you have said, it hasnt touched them, they havent heard you. So maybe you havent said sorry from your heart? people know the quality of sorry when it is truly meant, and the person saying it acts in a different way, a way that says sorry in itself with out the need for the word.
So look inside your heart, be rigourously honest with yourself and see if you are really sorry for what happened to your children or merely sorry for yourself and wanting forgiveness.Be brave and honest and you will get what you want, but not before anything else. good luck.
2006-12-04 22:36:55 · answer #7 · answered by artistry 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have been going through this with my family for years now. My parents were abusive, my mom is bi polar so I never knew what to expect when I came home from school. I'd see my Dad's car in the driveway and get sick to my stomach...not a nice way to grow up...being beaten with wooden spoons, belts,slapped in the face, pinched and told you'd never amount to anything. I have been angry at my parents for a long time however have been working on my adult relationships with them. I realize now that they are just people too and did the best they knew how to raise us while dealing with their own problems. I have forgiven them and try to put the past behind me. My parents have apologized but sometimes I just wish they would acknowledge the fact that they were wrong. My Mom especially plays it down and tries to say that she was the real viictim of my Dad. That's what makes me mad to this day. Your kids have to deal with their childhood in their own way and in their own time. Be as understanding as possible and realize that it is about them...not you. Good Luck.
2006-12-05 02:25:14 · answer #8 · answered by vanhammer 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Apparently they are not adult yet because they're acting like spoiled wrotten kids looking for attention. You don't deserve that. They're feeling sorry for themselves. Tell them that no one has a perfect childhood.
2006-12-04 19:26:37 · answer #9 · answered by marincaligirl 3 · 0⤊ 3⤋
It often happens that the parent who is there day in day out bringing the kids up is the one who get all hassle from the kids even though as you say it was their father who was abusive, but that doesn't give your kids the right so be so nasty and ungrateful towards you. Stop apologizing for you ex husbands mistakes and make a stand against your kids you have to be strong and let the know that you are not gonna take it anyone
2006-12-04 19:37:07 · answer #10 · answered by bodecia 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋