Please Help Me! I have an impossible 5-year-old stepson! He is the worst child that I have ever seen!?

Question

He won't eat, and when he does he just makes himself throw up if he doesn't like it. He doesn't listen at all and argues about almost everything! He was removed from school by his mom because he would scream and cuss at the teacher and just go crazy grabbing other kids stuff and ripping it up and breaking their things. He used to punch me in my stomach(I am 5 1/2 months pregnant), use the bathroom on himself because "he felt like it", etc. until we sent him to live with his mom and she doesn't believe that he knows what he is doing because he is "too young to understand". We get him on the weekends and it is just hell when he comes over. If I open my mouth to talk to his dad, he will stop us interrupt us even though he doesn't want or need anything. I mean, he will throw a fit to make his dad stop talking to me. He runs through stores knocking stuff over. Spanking and time out doesn't work and his dad thinks he's not that bad. We end up fighting all the time when he is with us.

I'm not just imaging this either. Other people complain about how bad he is and my fiance's cousin tells me he is out of control. He acts like a baby. He acts like he doesn't know how to do anything on his own and like he always needs help. And for the interrupting thing, he does it whenever he feels like it. If all eyes (and I mean ALL eyes) are not on him, he will throw the worst tantrums. He hates to learn anything because he wants it all done for him. I try to work with him on his ABCs and shapes and colors and he will cry and scream until his dad comes and says to forget it. It wouldn't bother me so much if he was 3 or so because he would have time to learn that stuff, but he is really delayed in learning not because of any mental problem, but because when he cries, everyone just lets him watch T.V. I really am trying to work this out, but if his son doesn't get better, I am going to have to call off our wedding because I can't continue to live with this child.

And also, I know his parents should deal with it, but his mom thinks he is an angel and his dad thinks he is a baby and can do no wrong. When they do see that it is getting bad they just put him in front of the T.V. or give him candy to make him happy.

Answer 1

I hate to say it, but there is no such thing as a bad kid. Maybe a bad situation, bad parenting, bad relationship, but not a bad kid. They do what they are taught. He is acting out because he needs attention. Not wants attention, needs attention. I know this must be tough as he isn't your flesh and blood, but seriously, get some professional help. He deserves a chance at life, and you must care or you wouldn't have written. Please dont be one more adult who blames the child. You will all be okay. Take it in stride. Psychologist, Psychiatrist, Clergy, Pediatrician may be able to help.

Answer 2

The kid from The Omen isn't DamiAn, it's DamiEn. And my fiance's name is Damien. His mom said he was a great kid.

He sounds like he has an anger management problem instead of necessarily a behavior problem. He's mad that you're with his dad and probably also upset about you being pregnant. In his own way he's trying to get rid of you and the baby.

But his mom is partly right. He doesn't understand that he's angry but has to control it ... he just knows he feels bad and wants to make other people feel that way too. In his mind, that makes it okay to be mad. After all, he's proven that you and his dad get mad, too.

If I'm right, spanking and time out don't work because that's just showing more anger. It reinforces (again) the idea that it's okay to be mean to others when you're mad. At least that's how it seems to him.

A child like that is in need of therapy. He needs to learn ways to control his anger and it doesn't seem like his mom and dad are doing that. So a child psychologist might be the best option for him. His mom might agree to that if you present it as a way of finding out whether he's "too young to understand", like she says. That might be better than saying you think something wrong with him.

Good luck with him. If absolutely nothing else, your husband can ask to renegotiate the terms of his visitation so the kid doesn't spend as much time around you. Present it as being a possible danger to you and the baby. If that doesn't work maybe the judge would order a visit with a therapist, if only because you're pregnant and he's punching you. If his mom won't agree to any of that and the judge won't help, you should absolutely present the argument that he's a danger to your baby once he/she is born. Maybe then the judge will agree to reduce the hours of visitation or order counseling, since there's an innocent baby involved.

You might need to make yourself scarce on weekends in the meantime. It can take awhile to get another hearing. I'd suggest at least visiting a friend or family member during the day, and possibly coming home only once he's asleep. That seems extreme but you shouldn't be under that kind of physical and mental stress while you're pregnant.

Answer 3

Perhaps he is acting out because he doesn't understand why his parents don't live together anymore, assuming that they were married bafore. Or perhaps he feels threatined by the new baby. Maybe he is unsure how to handle his father having another woman in his life that isn't the boy's mother.

I am a psychology major, and I think it sounds like your step-son is in need of a child psychiatrist. Children generally do not know how to contain their anger and express it by lashing out. A psychiatrist can help get to the root of the problem so that you, your husband, the boy's mother and step father, if there is on, can all sit down to figure out how to best accomodate him.

Like it or not, you are marrying the kid's father, so you are partially responsible for him. If you and your husband share a bank account, then it is not just his money that goes into raising the boy, but yours as well. And when he is over at your home you should not be afraid to set some ground rules, such as "only inside voices in the house" and "if you need something always say please and thank you."

Good Luck

Answer 4

The poor little kid. I wonder what has happened to cause such behaviour. Probably the break up of his home and family would have had a profound affect on him. He must know how 'unlikeable' he is and probably senses the affect he has other people, and must dislike himself. This is so sad. I would say he needs some kind of assessment, and counselling. Possibly a change in diet too. If he is at your home on weekends, then you are responsible for a suitable diet for this kid, you are his step mum. Get rid of all junk foods, avoid 'take away' foods, stuff with lots of preservatives, -- find out if he has an allegy. Unfortunately this child is the son of the man you are going to marry, and a solution has to be found, for all your sakes. If you love this man, and, even if you don't 'like' his child, human compassion and a maternal instinct should tell you to try to help this sad little boy.

Answer 5

My step children were not that bad, but they were a handful when they came down to visit.

One summer, the day after they came down, I left to visit family, leaving their father to take care of them. The previous summers, I was dealing with them and it caused many arguements, Dad thought they were perfect and I was the problem.

He called me about 2 days after I left and wanted me home early, if not he was sending the kids back to their mother, he could not deal with them. UNtil that point, Dad was in denial

It sounds like you are in a similar situation but even worse. The next weekend the child comes over, step out of the picture, tell his father that you are spending the weekend with some friends and that he is responsible for his son. That he must pay attention to him. Maybe Dad will see the problem is he is the sole caregiver or maybe his son will be so happy to see his Dad and have his undivided attention that he will calm down and his behavior will improve.

If the behavior improves consider giving him and his father some alone time every weekend.

I would suggest family counseling, this includes the boys Mom as well and see if these problems can be resolved. Are they new problems since you came into the picture? Were they there before? This must be examined and resolved. We don't need to see his picture up at the post office.

Answer 6

Baby, He's alright. First of all he's not the worst child you've seen.
He's rebelling. I had the same problem. It s time to sit him down and talk to him. Let him know whose in control. A child do what you allow he/she do. It seem that he's the adult. Until he knows that you're not playing with him, he will continue to do this. Let your husband show him some tough love. I promise that will work every time. If you don't stop him now.His Dad need to take him every where he go even to work. I promise when he embrace in public around his peers he will put a stop to it. He will become a menace to society. Which will you want Yale or Jail? You all have a chose now. This not a reason to call off the wedding. If you love the man you all can get thru this. but this where you guys need to sit him down and give him some home training. Get on one accord.

Answer 7

First of all, there is most definitely such a thing as a bad child, and this is one of them. I'm by no means an expert and I don't even have kids myself, but I've been around quite a few and I have a couple suggestions.

A friend of mine had a simple but effective way of dealing with her toddlers tantrums. She would ignore her until she was finished. Kids do things like that because they know it's gets a reaction. They have to be taught that throwing a fit isn't going to get them anywhere. My friend would simply act like her daughter wasn't there until she quit, then she would respond to her. Eventually, the little girl, only a year old figured it out, and pretty quickly. Now she doesn't try it anymore. Obviously not too young to understand.

The first thing that came to my mind while reading was the plain-and-simple *** whipping, but I agree with some of the others that this little boy seems to have issues that would probably only be made worse with physical dicipline. Instead I'd recommend beating the parents. They're obviously both idiots. His mom is in denial, and his father is content to let him be a delinquint. Until your fiancee figures out what it means to be a dad I think you may need to give him some time to think about it before you put your own child in his ill-equipped hands as well.

It's not too late to help this kid. Even though he is bad, he does need help. But it's not going to happen until his parents get their act together. Until they do there'll be nothing you can do but stand by and suffer.

Answer 8

It doesn't matter that he is dealing with his parent's split, he is 5 and old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. What you need to do, is just let him know that his cries for attention are not going to be tolerated, and are out of line. If spanking isnt working, take things away. Throw out all of the sweets from the house, often that is a HUGE factor of a childs behavior. If he isnt getting any better, he may actually have a mental disability, it is far more common than you would think. Often a change in diet will result in a chemical change within his body and will calm him down andkeep his emotions stable.
You need to be communicating all of this to your husband, he is not YOUR child persay, so it is a lot easier for you to see his intolerable faults, this all needs to be communicated so that you can fight it together. Don't let him ruin your marriage, it is just as much your problem now as it is your husbands, when you marry someone you marry thier whole family.

Answer 9

This kid needs discipline, and likely therapy from the sounds of it. He could have a hormonal imbalance, attention issues, etc. And when I say discipline, I mean balance, structure and stability .. consistent parenting techniques, NOT punishment. That will not help, only hinder.

However, with all of that said, he also requires affection, love and understanding from the parental figures in his life, which includes YOU. I had a major rush of anger run through me just seeing someone write the words "worst child I've ever seen" from a child that is involved in your life. Do you not think this child picks up on your feelings towards him? How do you expect him to react knowing how you feel about him?

He needs help, and so do you. I would fully suggest family therapy at this point, because not only does this kid need help dealing with his own issues, you need someone to point out to you that your behavior reflects on him, and his fathers allowing your behavior is even more detrimental.

With all of that, you have to wonder why this child is acting out?

Answer 10

i foster parented seriously troubled kids. This one is in trouble. His behaviors are all about control. He's not naive, he's not evil.

It's not too late to fix all this, but it's vital that this boy get therapy for his deep seated fears (fear leads to controlling behavior) before this behavior puts him into the criminal system or otherwise digs a hole he can't get out of.

Don't hate him, his mom is partly right that he is much too young to understand what he's doing, but that doesn't mean it can't be changed. It can. AND IT MUST. He is learning ways of dealing with the world and people that will persist if not changed.

But there's more. This kid is in this state because of his family. Including you btw. So you ALL need to get into some family therapy. Family therapy can get everyone focused on how to manage this behavior in a positive way, identify the things that the adults in his life are doing to create these fears and to enable his bad behaviors. And Family therapy can help support ALL of you in the terribly stressful situations that exist to get you through it.

If your husband won't do it, you do it. Go to a therapist by yourself if you must. But tell him that its not negotiable with you for this situation to continue. This boy cannot be part of your life if he is that disturbed and not getting help, and if his dad can't deal with that reality (and who would want to hear that about the child they love and are obligated to care for?) he needs to get it shoved in his face pretty hard. A therapist can make that work better without jeopardizing your relationship.

This is serious and you have to insist that it get serious attention NOW!