What do I say to my absent parent?

Question

I am 18 and just recently decided I need to confront my biological father to deal with my depression. When I was born, my mother told him he couldn't see me until I was old enough to ask, and because she took me away from him, he hasnt been sober since. He is an alcoholic and a drug addict. He still never tried to really contact me after I contacted him a few times. Is it bad for me to see him? I told my mother I need to see him and she could help me or I would do it alone, but either way it was getting done, and she is agreeing to pay for my plane ticket. Does anyone have any experiences, and advice, suggestions on what to say? PLEASE HELP

Answer 1

Honey, why would you want to do this to yourself? Confronting your dad, who has obvious major problems, about your own problems, isn't going to make you feel any better. You can scream and sob and accuse all you want but guess what?

You'll have a sore throat, a headache, and want to crawl under a couch for about a month from the blues, and he will either deny all responsibility, or give YOU a sob story, or both. That's what people in his world do. If he were remotely responsible or cared about you, he would already be there, drunk or not. You said you've already contacted him several times, and he didn't follow up.

I don't give a crap about your mom telling him to stay away. I have heard that so many times, and I'll tell you this---only the gutless cowards stay away from their kids. It's easier to ride off into the sunset, leave the old lady to raise the kids. "Oh my wife won't let me see my kid, boohoo." That's a great line to try on girlfriends as the two of them get drunk or stoned together.

Maybe Your mom had a valid reason. If he were any kind of man at all, he would have found you himself, contacted you, or let you know he cared, sent a birthday card. This guy won't even return phone calls. I understand your rage, but be prepared to get hammered or a sob story, or a no-show. Don't expect an apology, unless he wants something.

I also understand that under the rage, you want to make him care about you but he doesn't now and nothing you say will suddenly make him wake up. That's in the movies, not real life. Go from there. That's so hard for kids--I've seen them give a useless parent their salary, room and board, use of their car---and all the parent does is spend the money on dope, wreck the house and total the car. Then vanish again, and leave the kid in pieces.

Please talk to someone who works with addicts or alcoholics first. They can tell you what to expect, what to watch out for, so you won't be as disapointed. You are You. He can't fix himself, so he can't fix you. You are a unique person by yourself. Trying to win his affection will only make your depression worse. It's like a bad marriage, or trying to get a guy to like you when you aren't even on his radar.

I would suggest some counseling ahead of time to prepare yourself if you still want to confront him. He's older,and has lived a lifetime of excuses (he'll call it reasons). He's got it down pat.

Don't let him hurt you anymore. Hasn't he done enough?

Good luck to you.

Answer 2

I think it's a bad idea. If you have tried and before and he hasn't made any effort to talk to you going over there won't be any better. 2) Confronting him will bring out any ill feeling you may have had against him all those years making the situation worse especially if he is under the influence of drugs or alcohol. My advice is try making contact through letters, phone, or email first. Get to know eachother before you see eachother physically. I had same experience and seeing him didn't make me want to know him any more than what I already did. It just made me hurt more knowing that all those years he knew were I was and didn't bother to find me and went about forming his own beautiful life. Suck it up and go on with your life. If you have become the person you are without him so far you don't need that in your life now.

Answer 3

I recommend sending him a letter or calling him first. Make sure he is aware that you will be coming. Tell him you made the choice to seek him out. You want to meet him and talk with him. Ask him if he does or does not want to be a part of your life. Even though your mom took you away from him he still should have put up a struggle and tried to have contact with you over the years. I dont know your situation, but if he is an alcohoic and drug addict, then please dont get your hopes up and expect too much from him. I'd hate for you to get your feelings hurt. I'm telling you this from experience. My oldest daughters dad sounds exactly like yours. The problem is.... HE made the choice not to be a part of her life, then told her it was all my fault. That was totally a lie. My daughter, who is now 17 has finally saw the light and realized he lied. Sadly he lives only about 10 miles from us now and he doesnt even call her or send Christmas or Birthday cards. He is so addiced to drugs and alcohol that he cant even care about himself, much less his daughter. To be quite honest with you I am glad he was not around. I wouldn't have wanted her to go through the pain of seeing him like that, plus she didn't need that kind of influence growing up.

I wholeheartedly wish you all the luck in the world. I hope you and your father can build a great relationship if thats what you would like. Hopefully it will be a safe and rewarding trip for you.

Answer 4

First off your father is not an alcoholic because your mother took you away from him when you were a baby. Your mother made choices which will affect you for the rest of your life. All I can say is do not get your hopes up as he may not wish to have you in his life. My husband contacted his biological mother who like your father is an alcoholic and he wishes he had not. As for confronting your father he has nothing to do with your depression stop using him as an excuse after all he's not been in your life there fore can not have an effect on it. But I wish you luck. Maybe you need to confront your mother for not allowing him to be in your life.

Answer 5

As a household rights activist myself, I see a lot of the problems stemming from what's known as Parental Alienation as an alternative than the stereotypical one mother or father family. Children do want each father and mother, however that doesn't imply that it's continuously a need. A majority of guys do handle and deal with their kids, you simply do not pay attention approximately it due to the fact that tale does not promote papers..... Separation doesn't suggest an absolute winner/loser relating to custody. Granted I do not know the specifics, however one need to continuously preserve the doorways open to the mother or father/youngster dating until there's abuse or forget. Never speak dangerous approximately the opposite mother or father for your youngster, allow them to discover out on their possess as they're historical adequate to come to a decision for themselves. Your youngster will desire a optimistic male position mannequin meanwhile. Stay practically household and also you wont have a trouble with that. CS does no longer necessaily need to pass through the state instructional materials. The either one of you'll come to a center factor to in which you're getting helped, and he too can pay his hire...... Shared parenting works too, and if he's capable and inclined to do a 50/50 agenda, why no longer??

Answer 6

You could start by telling him about your life but make it brief.

Answer 7

For the love of God stop watching Lifetime movies!!!!