Serious answers only...?

Question

I have not seen or talked to my father in 5 years, due to alot of mental,emotional, some physical abuse that happened when I lived with him. I have an older half sister who was estranged for a while, but is now visiting him with her family for Christmas, and she told me that he wants to see me and put things behind us and move one. I don't want to see him. It terrifies me. How do I deal with this? Whatever I say will go to him...

Answer 1

This invitation has come from your sister and not from your father, if he really wants to celebrate Christmas with your he should call you, it would surely make a difference and will show he still cares about your father daughter relationship. Your sister need not play prophet. I am sure you would not have asked this question here had he attempted to mend ways. You are clear you dont want to see him then go by how you feel. Being honest is good, let your sister know you dont want to be part of the celebration and that she can go ahead with the father daughter relationship. You would like to deal it when you are ready for it.

Answer 2

I'm really sorry for the abuse you've had to suffer through. and I can understand that you're still scared of your father and have a lot of unresolved issues. if you do want a relationship with him though, the two of you need to talk about the past. it has to be talked about before it can be put in it's place and you can move forward. your father owes you some explanatioins as to why he abused you so badly. and he needs to take responsibility for what he's done. and apologize. I know that doesn't make the pain go away, but it would be a step in the right direction, and a show of effort on his part.
if you really don't want to see him, you shouldn't feel guilty, or blame yourself in any way. and don't let anyone else make you feel bad for your choice. this man does not control you anymore, and if you don't feel like seeing him, you don't have to. everyone should be supportive and respectful of your decision. for you to be terrified at just the thought of seeing your father, tells me that he did a lot of harm to you. and going to see him, probably isn't a good idea right now, if ever. sweetie, don't be afraid. you are stronger than you think you are. you got away from him! that's a big step in itself. you be proud of yourself. it takes a lot of courage to get away from an abuser. and don't be scared about whatever get's back to him. the truth is, he abused you, and you don't feel safe or comfortable being around him. he's the one who should be concerned about what everyone's going to think and say, not you.
if anybody asks you why you didn't visit him, tell them the truth! tell them that the thought of seeing him terrifies you because of the abuse that you suffered at his hands. no one with a heart would ever look badly upon you for that.
Take care of yourself, and I wish YOU the very Best.

Answer 3

I have been through a situation so similar...and it is hard to deal with everything. I am not trying to make you think I know how you feel cause only you do. If you are not ready to move on and put things behind you and see him again then don't. I tried when I wasn't ready and it opened new wounds and caused us to argue more. Now we never talk and haven't for a very long time. I think if I would have waited till I was truly ready it wouldn't have been so bad. Just follow your heart and do what you think is best.

Answer 4

I have the same situation I'm 13 and after alot of mental, emotional, and some physical abuse i can't see him anymore and it's been about 8-9 months. just start fresh and dont bring up any past bad memories-bring up good ones. thats what i'd try and do. remember he can't and probably won't hurt you at that get together so don't worry. I may be just 13 but I feel your pain. I hope all goes well! Best of luck! -Steph

Answer 5

If he wants to see you, why hasn't he called you himself? It sounds like you need to sit down and talk about the issues you have with him .. to him. Take a family member with you, so that you're not alone in the home with him. He needs to know how he makes you feel (if he doesn't already) and you need to get it off your chest and either ... a) make ammends with him, or b) except the past as it is and let it go.

You >can< forgive someone for something objectionable they've done to you. You don't have to forget it, and you don't have to be his best friend. Once you find forgiveness in your heart, and forgive him for what he's done, only then can you move on from the fear you feel towards him.

Answer 6

Something similar happened to me when I "ran into" my father after years of avoiding him.

I also had a family history of abusive behavior by my father. ( My instinct is to recount the chapter and verse of the abuse, but second thoughts give me to leave that in the realm of the unsaid.)

I spent years living in the shadow of abuse. When I ran into him, He was old, smaller than me, and in the initial stages of Alzheimer's disease. MY first thought was "I am afraid of THIS??"

You are no longer the child and no longer need to be afraid of him.

Maybe I am saying this wrong, but I can tell you I was glad to visit him and see how time had robbed him of his ability to hurt and intimidate me. By the end, I was sitting the vigil in his nursing home with my Grandmother and my uncle. The disease had taken his mind, and we agreed not to medicate the body. I was there waiting for his last breath, knowing that breath would signify the end of something in my life that should have ended long before.

Answer 7

I was lucky enough to not have to deal with these kinds of issues personally, but my father grew up in an abusive home, including sexually abusive- His biological father moved to the other side of the United States and started to show "family" responcibility again... My father said he would have nothing to do with him, and his sisters were stupid because their kids were next (to be molested). 15 years later, it came out, he was now molesting his 7 year old grandchild. When he was arested, he was released before his next court date, and shot himself dead.

Your feelings are not just because of what happened in the past- People can change, but it is not very often, esp people that are abusive. I did not want to believe that either because my ex husband was physically abusive to me, but I had to leave.

Answer 8

Well, I think you should ask a counselor or pastor his her opinion! My opinion having experienced similar things, is that the person must apologize and acknowledge his actions with you before he can just randomly "move on"! If he doesn't apologize to you first in the form of a card or SOMETHING, there is no basis to get together with him, because you will just be playing the abuser's favorite role again...HIS DOORMAT!!!! Tell your sister he needs to let you know he is sorry before you will even consider it, and otherwise you will 'move on' !

Answer 9

I have a father that doesnt want his family to know about me so in a way i know how you feel i get angry about it all the time and have given up but if your father wants to try and make things right then i suggest you give it a go if it doesnt work out that it's. i know it is hard but you should really give it a go. Good luck!

Answer 10

If you can find it in your heart to forgive him then go. I thank God for the time I had with my father, because he died 19 months ago. My sister who wasn't close to him because she didn't like his 2nd wife, suffers till this day because she wishes now that she could turn back time and have the years back that she didn't see him. I thank God I was close to him.. But follow your heart, don't push yourself.. and remember we have only 1 father and 1 mother... Don't be afraid ......Good Luck!