I'm a 37 year old bloke and my younger bro is 29, and I of course think the world of him. I'm always there when he needs me, and to be fair I'm sure he would be there if I had a serious problem. But I would like to do more together - nothing flash, just going out to the pub, have a good old chat about things, maybe the odd day out, stuff like that.
The problem is that he only seems to bother with me when he either has a problem, or he is at a loose end and none of his mates are free. Whenever I suggest anything, he's either not interested, or its "not convenient", and to be honest I'm getting fed up with it now.
I'm a great believer that any relationship, whether it's with friends, partners, work colleagues, or family, should be a two-way street. But I really feel like he just uses me, even if he doesn't mean to.
I do try to be fair and balanced, but do you think I'm being unreasonable here? I reckon this must be a common issue - any suggestions?
2006-12-04 10:06:47 · 23 answers · asked by Andy 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Thanks for the comments so far. I should maybe add that I have discussed this with him, as best I can, and suggested a variety of things to do. He is aware that I have an issue. The problem is that he doesn't see there is an issue, it's "just me"!
2006-12-04 10:20:13 · update #1
I seem to have given the impression to some of you that I am lonely. I have a good circle of friends, and a long(ish) term girlfriend. Neither do I want to spend time with my bro all them time. I just believe in being there in good times occasionally as well as bad, but as I say, maybe that's just me. I guess we all have our issues!
2006-12-04 10:31:56 · update #2
hi, i think that you are totally right feeling like this, its not as if you want to sit down with him and have heart to hearts, you just want to spend time with him and catch up, i think your brother doesn't realise how lucky he is having someone in his life that cares for him like you seem to do, i wish my brothers were more like you...any way have you tried talking to him about a certain time regular to catch up say once a month you could go for a drink or play pool etc...if he still doesn't want to then you have 2 options...firstly you can play him at his own game and be just as immature by saying that you are too busy or it is inconvenient for you to meet up with him when he needs you or you can just bite your tongue and keep on like you are ...which would you feel happiest with doing, follow your gut feeling on how to handle this, hope it works out for you and he comes to appreciate you
2006-12-05 01:40:48 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have every right to feel that way... and it sucks too!
There is a considerable age gap between you and your bro, the same with me and mine. It caused us to fall into different crowds, different interests, and while I desire time to hang out, its the same as you say.
Your role as a brother is 2 fold: family, and friend. Family comes first, and we should always be there for each other, regardless of friendship. The 2nd part, friendship is a little different though, cause you are his brother not by choice, but by birth. He CHOSE his friends, and will usually Choose to hang out with them first when the next concert rolls through town, its just how it will be.
I always recommed letting your feelings be known, because no one thinks as another does, and they will never GUESS how we are feeling about anything. Just tell him how you would like a little more priority in his life, and see if you can work it out.
If he doesnt want that, then keep the channels open, but try to make more friends to spend time with, cause you are both adults now and have yourselves pretty set in your ways
Good luck
2006-12-04 18:12:47 · answer #2 · answered by xrionx 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not saying it is your fault at all, or that you are being clingy, but why not try leaving off a bit? Stop asking him to go to the pub or whatever, and I bet he'll start to feel neglected. Then he'll understand how you're feeling, coz right now I think he just takes you for granted, and thinkls you'll always be there. Don't refuse to help him if he needs help though, but wait until HE phones YOU to catch up. Then, of course, say yes, and I bet you won't have that problem again. He obviously knows your there for him coz you keep phoning him, but maybe if you stop he'll miss you just asking him to catch up, even though he never comes.
Good Luck!
2006-12-05 12:09:11 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi,
After reading your query,I felt you have now becoming very disheartened and disappointed because of your brother's behavior.
But let me tell you,it's not a fault from your brother's end nor from your side.It's natural,when you love someone ,you tend to require his or her company,if not always then for most of the times.
Here,as you mentioned,your brother considers you only when there are no friends or when he is alone.
I donot believe,he is doing all this intentionally.Moreover,may be he enjoys his friends company more than you because of the same age group and same ideas and outlook towards life.
It's also not fair from your side to expect something extra from him as if you would have been in his place,I am sure,you would also opt for the company of people of your age.
May be because you behave like a typical elder brother and always wants him to follow your beliefs,also force him to not to share his all day's activities with you(Its just a thought from my side).
My advice- Just chill out.Try to communicate with him in a very calm manner.Try to know the reason of his such an avoidance.
And solve/overcome the weakness any one of you have and then see the difference.
Regards
Pooja
2006-12-04 18:23:56 · answer #4 · answered by pooja_negi27 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You may not like to hear this, but maybe your younger brother just doesn't have the same family feelings that you do. I can see how an older brother would like to hang out with a younger sibling once in awhile, but younger siblings may not feel the same way. He may resent your trying to form a closer relationship when he can't. There is a saying that even though a person doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean that person doesn't love you with all he/she have.
2006-12-04 18:49:15 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, however...he sounds like little brothers all over the world. I know he's 29 and an adult, but he still sees you as his big brother. It's not his fault, per se...We all see our relatives the same way, no matter how old we get. Mom is still mom. You would interact with another woman of the same age, differently than you would with Mom.
I'm betting your brother is unconciously taking you for granted. He knows you'll always be there...and be his big brother. He probaby has a hard time envisioning you as one of his friends.
2006-12-04 18:14:17 · answer #6 · answered by Lisa E 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My sons are 21 and 25, they've both got their own mates and sets of friends. They fight, hate each other, I intervene, next thing they are best of friends again. Youngest goes to eldest when he has problems and he helps him out but eldest has given him a good slap at times too, if youngest has been in trouble, his making. So just be happy you have a brother, everyone can't fit in with each other all the time, once in a blue moon should do. xx
2006-12-04 18:33:53 · answer #7 · answered by RUTH M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have always been in the same situation and me and my sis are the same ages as you and your brother. She is bi polar and has always had issues. I have always been there for her also...but she only talked to me when she wanted something. My car...baby sitter or whatever. She started going out with this asshole who is possesive of her and my wonderful niece. My sis came to the point where she doenst have anything to do with my mom,me and my son anymore. She wont talk to us or let us see my niece that i miss with all of my heart. If i were you i wouldnt even bother worrying about him ,,,if hes not interested in being a real brother to you. Wash your hands of him and let him know that he cant just be wanting you when he needs something. I believe this saying "What comes around goes around" and trust me thier days will come when they need someone and there is noone there for them anymore because they were such jerks. Im sorry we are going through the same things. Sad but true.
2006-12-04 18:14:39 · answer #8 · answered by michelle 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
this is how it goes in families, family members rarely see other family members as friends, they are usually the back up people when friends flake out on them, it's not personal and you appear to be the acception to this. Maybe it's the age difference your brother is still very socially focused where as you are probably a bit more mature and realising the importance of looking after family, he will grow out of it when he gets older I realise he is in his late twenties but it's true! try not to take it personally this is what families do! I rarely hear from some members of my family unless they need my help it's just the way it is.
2006-12-05 07:06:26 · answer #9 · answered by Smoochy Poochy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just because you are brothers you don't have to like each other or even like the same things. My two brothers and I had nothing in common except our parents. You have a small age gap and it is doubtful that you would fit in with his circle of friends. Are you lonely, without friends and are you just trying to use him to relieve your loneliness. He obviously respects you because he comes to you for help. get on with your own life, and be grateful that you two are not fueding and fighting like some brothers./
2006-12-04 18:22:34 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋