My mother in law is 81 and lives with us she is in good health but has taken to her bed I called out the doctor who confirmed there is nothing wrong with her it is just as if she has given up she no longer wants to eat and just has the occasional drink basically wants to be left alone she is the most content I have ever known her but I can not understand why she just wants to go I do every thing for her and feel cross that she is giving up when so many eldery people would love to be so well looked after.
2006-12-04 08:33:07 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Ma has been a tyrant all of her life I have tried everything ,days out new clothes lots of chocolate nothing was ever good enough that is why it is so upsetting to see her so quiet
2006-12-04 08:44:59 · update #1
I have lost a lot of family lately but they were all ill ma is not ill she just hates not being in controll but I love looking after her and do not want her to go.
2006-12-04 08:48:33 · update #2
Have tried everything taken her to wonderfull day centres she got barred for bad behaviour she has mental health care the only places she can go for respite are awfull care homes as she behaves so badly we have social workers she just hates being old and not in charge.
2006-12-04 09:31:37 · update #3
Sweetheart, I am 67 and am NO where near giving up the ghost ---but --- i can understand those that are ready to do so ----they have seen life from ALL aspects --they can see you and hubby -- in her eyes -- are happy together --the grand children --(if there are any ) are loving towards her --no mean feat these days -- she is content with life -- let her lay back and enjoy -- she has nothing more to prove --as long as she doesn't become a "wedge" between you and hubby -- she is happy to "let go of the reins" ------ please PLEASE don't try and make her sit up and "look at life" again ----she's been there ---read the book ---got the Tee shirt ---- she is content -------- a VERY rare state to be in these days
2006-12-04 09:12:30 · answer #1 · answered by harryinfrance 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sadly my gran is going a similar way. She's only 75, and lost my grandad 2 years ago. Since then I moved in with her (partly to help out, but it was also handy cos I'd run out of money to live alone...) and tried to look after her. Over the two years she started to get worse and worse, as if she's given up. She can barely walk now, and not without a stick, but she was ok before.
A friend of mine has an aunt who has no-one left in the world but distant(ish) family, and apparently she's given up too.
I guess there comes a time when we all feel ready to leave it all behind. It would be a kind of depression I would think (being hopefully 50 good years off it myself), and not easy, if possible, to beat. Maybe she even feels bad being a burden to you. I can't think of anything less demeaning than having to be cared for by someone else, who should be out enjoying their own life. don't blame yourself for anything that is happening, because I'd put money on it not being your fault at all, sounds like you've done everything anyone could expect of you.
Sorry I just realised this is not gonna help you much. All you can do is try talking to her, see if she'll tell you how she feels. Tell her you're worried, and talk it out.
2006-12-04 16:43:35 · answer #2 · answered by ashypoo 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow! You've got a lot to deal with: a psuedo-sick mother-in-law, and - I assume - a family of your own to care for.
Sometimes the elderly - simply, and to be frank - seem like they are just waiting to die. I'd guess that her husband has since passed, and she misses him, as well as her other family (her own parents, etc.) that have passed.
Although she seems to have a wonderful support system, and although it seems like you've done everything you can to cheer her up and help her feel more secure, you may have to face the fact that SHE just doesn't want to live this life anymore.
Your mother is certainly depressed, no doubt about that, and getting her to a therapist is imperative. (After having a double knee replacement at 76, my mother-in-law became extremely sad and depressed. Shortly after she began taking the anti-depressant Lexapro . . . she's a different person).
You can do only what you can do. You can't make someone feel the way you think they should. You've done a lot to help her; you're a great member of her family!
Good Luck!
2006-12-04 17:01:53 · answer #3 · answered by Lorese K 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I feel bad for you and your family, but unfortunately some times the elderly just stop wanting to go on. Especially if faced with recent deaths of loved ones and close friends. I am a nurse and often see this situation.
I think there are two ways of proceeding:
1st: try and help her out of her depression, with the help of her GP with medication or maybe a referal to the department psychological medicine at your local hospital. The family giving her lots of incentives and encouragement.
2nd: If she truly has made up her mind to pass away your family need to come to terms with that and respect her wish. Contact your GP for referal to the district nursing team and social services. who will be able to put services in place to make caring for your mum in law much easier.
I hope this is of some help, keep talking to your hubby because you'll need each others support no matter how things proceed.
2006-12-04 16:49:20 · answer #4 · answered by Yasmine H 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe it's BECAUSE you do everything for her?
Her independence has been taken away and, although you mean well, she's doing the one thing she has left to control and that's stop eating and drinking etc.
Maybe involve her in life again. She's only 81 and there's still fun to be had!
My gran is 82 and still goes to bingo and coffee with friends. My grandad is 90 and still goes for a pint in his local for a few games of pool.
There's little community things for the elderly that she can get involved in, contact the local church or something.
2006-12-04 16:44:36 · answer #5 · answered by Fay 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am not sure what kind of reassurance you want. It is difficult to say without knowing your mother in law, but it may be just that she is happy with what she has done in her life and feels she has nothing further to add to the world and so feels ready to go. She may feel like a burden on you because you take out so much time to look after her.
2006-12-04 16:38:59 · answer #6 · answered by teary chocolate 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe the reason that she has to be looked after is the reason she is giving up. 81 is a good age and it is possible that having lead the life that she wanted she is now ready to leave it. If she is content in what she is doing then she is obviously happy. As harsh as it sounds maybe she really wants to die and feels she is ready.
I would let her do what makes her happy and just make her as comfortable as possible.
2006-12-04 16:39:53 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She has lived a long life and may have just had enough. Don't take it so personally, it will sour the time you all have left together. Respect her wishes, she feels comfortable enough not to put on an act with you so your relationship must be quite solid.
2006-12-04 16:42:57 · answer #8 · answered by annie 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
perhaps she is just really tired and wants time to herself,having worked in a care home i found that the elderly do act in strange ways and can often suprize us in many odd ways, maybe as christmas is approaching she is having memories of days gone by xmas is a emotional time for alot of people especially older people. Give her a bit of time then bang her into action in a jokey friendly way and see if you can raise her from her bed.
2006-12-04 16:40:38 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
When my father was taken into hospital at the age of 83 years he had lost the will to live. As he was stone deaf even the TV was a waste of time and he didn't read. He said to me "Is it time to go" it broke my heart but go he did, he really wanted to.
2006-12-04 16:37:16 · answer #10 · answered by tucksie 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋