What would you do?

Question

If you SERIOUSLY thought your bf/gf had a mental illness that wasn't being treated (or was being ignored altogether) how would you convey your concern and suggest they get help? I care A LOT about this girl, we've dated for some time now, but, looking back, I have always known there was something odd about the way we relate to each other. I think I know what/what is REALLY going on (though she hasn't told me). I do respect her privacy, but I do care for her a lot, so I am torn about what to do. Half of me says to let her come to her own conclusions while the other half instinctively knows she will just continue to blame herself for the disintegration of our relationship b/c of this potential condition and, therefore, am almost willing to let her hate me (for bringing this to her attention) in the hopes that she will eventually agree w/ me (even if she never talks to me again) and get the help she needs. What would you do?

Kurticus - I would be MORE than happy for us both to go and get evaluated. I have just been doing some reading and research on my own b/c she is frozen about talking about whatever is going on. It would be much easier to determine the best course of action for ME if I knew what I was dealing with, i.e. getting the cards on the table and calling whatever is going on by the appropriate name.

Answer 1

Your compassion for this person is amazing and you should be commended for it.

You can say, "I've been noticing something bothering you since we've gotten together, and it hurts me to see you hurting. Do you want to talk about it?"

Also, you weren't specific with the "condition". Also, if you're young, part of this is the culture girls grow up in (where every girl wants to be a princess with the dress and the happy ending like in the movies) and the demands of life and rigors of puberty. Puberty is awful for many girls, and she might not be handling it well.

Just let her know you're available to talk; if she's unwilling to communicate, then the relationship can't move forward. If she says she "can't talk about it to you" then maybe it's time she talks about it to someone. Using gentle encouragement to let her know this can't go on like this forever will also help her consider seeking help.

Unfortunately, if a person is not ready to be helped, no resources in the world can help that person. I'm sorry that you're going through this pain trying to help her, and again, I admire your compassion for this girl you care very much about.

Answer 2

First, you are NOT a trained psych person so its not up to you to diagnose or guess or pin possible mental illness on her. Might be YOUR issues mostly instead. Maybe both go to psych doctors and find out what they think.

While it is nice of you in one way to let somebody hate you "if it helps." It is much better to respect the person who you think might be hating you and find out why. Leave her some dignity and respect her issues, whether you understand what they are or not.
Its ok to tell her what help you might think she needs and why you think that. Maybe be a friend to her and tell her when you think she is being crazy or wierd and how. Ok and brave to say maybe get professional help sometimes too. Maybe its as much your issue as hers. Maybe only an issue thats there when you are with each other. Be nice, don't judge unless you really know what is going on. Even then be gentle and try to help.

Answer 3

we dont always want to hear what a signigicant other has to say in regards to our mental health. I would consider getting a neutral person involved. A close family member would be the best route. If this is something you can see, it is quite possible that a brother or sister has the same concerns. If that route doesnt work, it is your duty to let your partner know what it is that you see. It may not work out for you two in the long run, but if you truly love someone, their health should come first.

Answer 4

I had a boyfriend with a bi-polar brother. I research it on the internet and I found that bi-polar runs in the family and can be passed down through generations. After being with my boyfriend for a few months, I noticed that there were little things about him that may suggest that he was bi-polar too. He would do some of the stupidest things without thinking. But, if he did have signs of being bi-polar, they were overlooked by his parents because they weren't as strong as his brother's. So, it kind of sounds like what's going on with your girlfriend. She may be "borderline", but doesn't show all the signs of having a real problem. The only way you're both going to know for sure is if she's tested. As for my boyfriend, he would act like a real jerk and I would put up with it because I guessed he had a problem. He never was tested. The turning point for me was when a friend/coworker got divorced. She put up with her husband's strange behavior for 20 years! I had to make a decision. My boyfriend was not going to seek help, I didn't have the strength to help him myself, not if he wasn't going to make any effort. I broke up with him even though I loved him so much. I stayed friends with him. He's doing better on his own because it forced him to be self sufficient. It's saddens me, but he's better off. I just couldn't take care of him for 20 years, the way my friend did, while ignoring my own life.

Answer 5

If she needs help I would get it for her. Sometimes the ill are not able to do that. Talking to her would be the first step, tell her how concerned you are and that you want to help her. Suggest counseling and a visit to the doc. Most of all be supportive.

Answer 6

You are going to the best thing for her life and yours ... not. It will be wonderful in two years from now when her brain has shrunk from the meds. You will be happy to see her life ruined as you go to the next girl.

Answer 7

Have you tried talking to her or perhaps writing her a letter? You can't do much for her until she is ready to help herself.

Good luck.