Interfering Mother-in-Law During Pregnancy?

Question

Hi,

My husband and I have been married 1.5 years. I'm pregnant with our first child, due in the spring.

Things between us are extremely stressful, in some ways because of the dynamic between his mother and me. She is so passive agressive! Every time she is over at our place or we're at her place, she takes over the disciplining of our puppy, interrupts me when I'm speaking, and says things to me that are extremely condescending. My husband is not sympathetic to my irritation, and gets frustrated with me when I share my irritations about his mother. I don't want to cause trouble but I am very concerned she is going to "bud in" once we have our child, and I want to set some good ground rules now! How do I tell my mother-in-law to back off without alientating her and all my in-laws and my husband?

Thank you!

Answer 1

That is definitely a stressful situation. I at one time shared the same frustrations with you about mother-in-laws, because mine drove me absolultely insane. My husband was stuck in the middle, which also made me irrirtated with him. We eventually came to an understanding which stemmed from a massive argument that was a result of her meddling in my life. I ended up telling her to back off and I guess she was more or less stunned by anger. She didn't speak to me for a while but after we both had a time away from each other, I could tell she knew why I was upset. Our relationship is better and now she also lives in a different part of the country which also helps. I'd say just have a real honest conversation. You want her to a part of your kids life, but you can't have her meddling in how you choose to raise your kids. Let her voice her concerns as well. I think being honest and open helps. At the end of the day, she's family and we don't always get to choose who we're related too so we just try to work things out. Good Luck!

Answer 2

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Man, I totally hear you. My mother-in-law to be is one of the most passive aggressive people I've ever met. I, too, have some concern that whenever I have a child that she will butt in. Luckily my fiance understands my concerns, but I still try not to complain about his mother to him. I go to *my* mother for that :) The thing is that this is *your* child and you have every right to put your foot down. It's most important that you get your husband on your side. Yes, in this case, there are sides. You and your husband need to agree and set rules on your own regarding his mother and your child. I strongly suggest that you at least see a therapist on your own. This is a huge, huge matter and you don't want to be stressed while you're pregnant. You don't want your mother-in-law undermining your parenting. My parents were 22 when I came along and they lived with my grandma (in part because my grandfather had been sick and then died, in part because they were so young). When I was just about to turn three my mom finally couldn't take my grandmother's undermining anymore (it was her own mother). One of the biggest motivators for moving was your very issue. If you live with the inlaws I say get out, now! But otherwise see a therapist, it can be VERY helpful. If you don't have one then talk with your doctor. Good luck and I wish you a healthy pregnancy and birth.

Answer 3

I hate to say this, but your problem here is with your husband, not your mother-in-law. He needs to see and understand what you are going through and have his mother stop putting her nose into your business. Whenever the in-laws are involved, it's always your husband that needs to step in and put a stop to it. You will continually look like the bad guy in these situations if you keep confronting her (based on what you've written, it's already happening).

Talk to your husband and have him understand that this is YOUR family, you and him, and that when dealing with the two of you, or your children, or your pets, that any and all decisions need to come from the two of you, not anyone else. If he refuses, then the situation will only get worse once the baby arrives.

My mom was the same way and until I stepped in and told her to cut it out, my wife was as exasperated as you are. It's his family, he needs to put a stop to it. No ifs, ands or buts.

Answer 4

Congrads...!!.. I can understand your frustration when I was pregnant with my daughter who is now 4 her grandmother (my then boyfriend's mother) was so agressive when it came to her opinions about how to raise my baby girl. She was like that before i became pregnant too. After I had my daughter I finallly had to just tell her that I was the mother. It was to the point where she wanted my daughter to call her mommy #2 and she was constantly telling me what was best for my little girl and how i should do this and that. It drove me insane. My advice is to sit her down before you have the baby and let her know that although her advice is appreciated, you'd like to give it a try and do it the best way you know how and if you have any questions she'd be the first person you'll call. (even though you may not mean it). If not she may play "the battle over who has the most experience" later, don't let that happen!!!

Answer 5

I feel your pain! I am 39 weeks pregnant and my MIL had poked her nose in since she found out at 6 weeks! Her last thing was that she was coming down to stay with us 3 weeks before the birth so she didn't miss it. I also don't remember ever asking her to attend! Now after finding out today I may need a c-section on Sunday my husband called her to tell her (I could have killed him) she is on her way down! I have no advice on how to handle it just wanted to let you know I too have a MONSTER IN LAW!! Good luck

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Answer 6

First, you talk to your husband about how you feel.

Then you tell your husband with a kiss and a smile that it is stressing you out and if he doesn't put a stop to it, you will.

Finally, you follow through.

You can't worry your whole life about who's mad at you and who isn't. She might think she is doing you a favor by taking care of the dog. Trust me, she might be mad at first but by the time the baby comes, she'll turn around. If you don't nip it in the bud now then she'll be taking the baby from you when you are trying to feed him/her and trying to do the parenting for you.

Answer 7

Your husband clearly was raised by a domineering and insensitive woman. That is exactly how you should treat your mother in law. It is what she understands.

Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that she is not to interfere or discipline your puppy. Your puppy is just her practice ground for raising your child the way she thinks it should be raised. Give in now and there will be no way to regain control. No ultimatums, just set the rules and stick to them.

Your husband, having been raised by such a wench, will step right in line. Don't look to him for support. He will view anything less than you speaking directly for yourself as weakness and whining, and it will be.

Tell that woman exactly how it is going to be from now on and then stick to it. You are carrying her grandchild and she will never do anything to jeopardize a relationship with that child, if you make it clear that is what is at stake.

Or, you can spend the next 18 years miserable and trying to make friends with her and do what she wants and still end up being the doormat.

Take control. Now.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Be passive aggresive back. You just continue to express how you feel,because if you hold it all in you'll just snap! That kind of stress isn't good for you or the baby. Tell the mother straight forward that you care for her and advice but not to approach you in a rude way about it,and to not feel bad if you don't take or use her advice.You are having your first child and you want that whole experience to be for you and your husband to enjoy.Let her know you'll need her help when you ask for it,and to be a grandma not an extra parent,to spoil her grandbaby and love it,but not push you away when she's around. I've seen and experienced this first hand and it wont get easy,it will be a learning process for you and your mother in law. As for your husband just have him come in on the problem when she really gets out of hand,you and her together need to get on a common ground,try not to involve your husband too much he may resent you for always "complaing about his mom",dont completly leave him out but dont put him in the middle of it, have it one on one with your MIL,this is a relationship that will take time to process,but if your strong and willing to go throught this for the long haul then take a deep breath and go for it.

Answer 9

It sounds like your son has picked up the same tendencies. You can start by refusing to go to her place. Tell your son, err, your husband (I meant to say that, since he can't separate himself from her in order to be your husband) - that you don't need this stress. The two of youcould enroll in parenting classes, make sure it's both of you, so you'll develop the same ideas on how you want your child raised. Your MIL is not going to back down peacefully, but she probably means well, and will get over it in time.

Answer 10

I too have had this problem before.The only way to solve this problem is to have your husband tell her to back off and let u find ur own way.If u say something she'll turn it all around and make u look like the bad guy to all her side of the family. Instead of worrying about ur mother- in- law I'd be more worried about getting ur husband to see things from ur point of view remember ur a team.