Help! MIL is making holidays really stressful!?

Question

Help! Mother in law is making it hard to look forward to the holidays!?
My huband and I were recently married in September of this year. We have been together for 6 years. My mother in law is all of a sudden making a big deal about the holidays. For instance she wanted us to go to her house this year for Thanksgiving and go to my moms next year.My husband told her this wasn't going to work because we want to be with both sides for the holidays. I offered to do Thanksgiving at my house so that we could all be toghether and she wouldn't have to feel that the holidays are a big rush. She refused my offer. So I thought we agreed on splitting the holiday we would go to her house at 11am and have appitizers with her. Her dinner was in the middile of the day and this year was our year to have dinner with my parents because last year we only got to spend a few hours at my moms. The night before Thanksgiving my MIL called my husband to discuss Thanksgiving and he must have told her agian about how our day was planned we would show up at 11 have appitizers and spend

Additional Details

49 minutes ago
time with them and then leave at 4 to make diner at my mothers house. She was doing dinner at 5. My mother in law blew up. Don't even bother coming I can't believe your not eating here you do everything with her family. Blaah Blahh Blahh. She said not even to bother to come come next year to her house only so she can get her full Thanksgiving. Which I refuse to do and she doesn't respect that. She then said that we always run out on her to get to my moms which is untrue we were spending most of the day with her. The next year we would eat our main meal with her. She was so upset she hung up on him and he was so upset at her that we didn't go. They didn't talk for a week and when they did he opologized for not being there and she was still feeling the same way and said that . everything was about me and my mother. That is also untrue we tried working it out with her. 1. I offered to do thanksgiving so that nobody was torn away. 2. I my mom doesn't care about the time you do dinner but

44 minutes ago
if you could do your thanksgiving at lunch time or dinner time everything would work out alot better. She likes to have hers smack dab in the middle of the day. I don't know what to do about her she is starting to cause problems between me and my husband and he doesn't want me to say anything to her. She can't respect us as a married couple she wants everything her way. I am starting to really dislike her. What do I do. She also says that discussing the holidays is between her and my husband. That really pissed me off and I would really like to confront her on that. I feel like the main issue is is that she feels she has lost all control I think she is really jelous of my mother and what she has done for me and my husband. I know this seems really long and not put together well but its really upseting me and I have gotten good responses on here other times

Answer 1

I swear, there must be some evil mother-in-law fairy who sneaks into your house the night you become a MIL and injects you with evil juice. Mine's EXACTLY the same way. I've been married for 5 years and unfortunately, I went from just a plain dislike to a somewhat loathsome feeling towards her. As I believe the first person to answer your question said, you have created a new family unit and you need to start creating your own holiday traditions based on what you two want. I'm fortunate (or actually unfortunate) that my parents live in CA while I'm here in VA so family holidays aren't that big of a deal. As for confronting her, well, that's a sticky situation. You can try the "calm discussion" attempt but if that doesn't work, you might just have to let her be her. You and your husband need to decide what you're going to do for the holidays and then let both families know. Have your plans made FIRST before anyone starts trying to tell you what you're doing.

My husband and I have started taking vacations over the T-giving day holidays just to avoid all the stress of the big family to-do. I'm not wasting a four day weekend being miserable.

Answer 2

First, screw her. Its YOUR marriage that is most important, not her feelings. I also have a MIL from hell. Its interesting to say the least. The easiest thing is to rotate. His Mom gets Thanksgiving lunch and Christmas (eve?) dinner. Your Mom gets Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas lunch. The two of you decide this (husband and yourself). Then tell the family. If you are there at lunch and the meal is at dinner, no biggie. The point is supposed to be spending time together on a holiday. Ask your husband to support you. Him calling to apologize when it wasn't his fault just gives her more power.

Hopefully things will slowly work out. In my case we cut out his parents. They are now back in his life, but not mine or the children's. Try to work things out before it comes to such drastic measures. The biggest thing is just presenting a united front to the in laws.

Answer 3

I think you're handling it the best way you can. My mother is just like your mother-in-law and gets pissy over this every freakin' year and we've done this routine for over 5 years. I think as long as you and your husband are on the same page then let him handle his mom. You do NOT want to confront her yourself because it will be worse. what we do with Thanksgiving is split it one year with my mom and one year with my mother in law. Then we go to the other's on the Friday after for a leftover dinner. Maybe that can work for you. I think you can't even work some out until everythings settle down a bit more because it sounds like emotions are running high on both sides. She may never be happy no matter what you try. Do what works for you and your husband and she'll just have to deal with it.

Answer 4

Seeing as you just married this year I think you guys need to sit down and "plan" out your holidays right now in advance. Like in my family, dinner at my grandmother's was at 3 every year always and still is 25 years later. That way noone will ever have to ask what time is dinner and so on. If both sides right now decide that their holiday meal is on this day at this time it will eliminate harsh and hurt feelings. Also make it known that you WILL be attending both functions every year until further notice. If anyone balks at that it really is their problem.
I feel for you on the mother-in-law situation. Everyone told me to hang in there and things would get easier but that hasn't happened. Even 11 years and almost 3 children later I feel like I need to drink to get through the holidays with her.
Good luck and Happy Holidays.

Answer 5

omy gosh! i have a very similar situation to you, a freekin nutty MIL. I cant believe she actually told you that the holidays are to be disscussed only between your husband and her........guess what when you got married you became her family too, you should mention that to her. Same as your husband joined into your family.......not only that but you two BECAME YOUR OWN FAMILY. Your husband needs to tell your mother that and stick up for you...have you discussed that with him?
You should also bring up the point to her that the holidays arent about fighting and you guys made arrangments to be fair to both families.What my husband and i ended up doing was Thanksgiving with his family and christmas with mine (they live in another state and requires driving 10hrs to see them)

I understand, its a touchy situation because well its his family, and you hate to make him choose between them and you riight?!
I think you and your husband and his mom and dad should sit down and all talk....otherwise you will just keep having these problems at every holiday, not to mention if you guys have kids (which i am going through right now and they are fighting over who is going to see the baby more, who gets to see the ultra sound pics first, who we told first etc)
I strongly suggest sitting down with them and talking like adults, working things out because really life is too short to spend it fighting........and i have to bite my tongue quite often as it got to the point where i hated my MIL and its hard to be around them....
Good luck!

Answer 6

Whoa....if this is what has happened for Thanksgiving, if your family celebrates Christmas...that will be a real disgruntled affair.

First I don't have a clue how your parents get along/would get along with your husband's parents, however, I gather that you all live within reasonably close proximity to one another. Is this her only child...or the first to get married or some such thing? Sounds like she isn't taking to sharing just yet...also, is she alone, no husband perhaps? This could be one of the main reasons she is so bent out of shape..holidays are a lonely time for those who have no one to share them with and perhaps she feels she's being brushed off even if you aren't meaning it to come across that way...she'll read into things what she wants to and you can't change that I'm afraid.

Don't begin disliking her...you and your husband have years ahead of you and the last thing you need is a MIL that resents you. Like the wiser of the world say "choose your battles".

My suggestion, although it may not be much of one...is perhaps to have a small gathering in between the holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas perhaps), at your home, and invite your parents and your husband's parents (come on...they're going to have to acknowledge each other some time)...each family is responsible for a portion of the meal, i.e. you could take the meat side, your parents the veggie/salads, MIL the desserts (or if either one has a really incredible dish they love to make...have them bring that instead...and then rave about them both!)

As for this shared holiday thing...it gets to the best of us...I had family 2 hours from where my husbands family was and it always seemed that we were spending Christmas holidays with his family...finally about 3 years into our marriage we came up with the idea to spend Christmas Eve with my husbands family, Christmas Day with my family...every 2nd year so each family got to "share us" every year and we alternated the family visits. This method brought about a much smoother time of things and although we didn't get to spend Christmas in our own home until we moved...we did get to spend quality time with each group which really is all that counts.

If MIL wants your hubby all to herself...perhaps hubby can visit with his mother for 4hrs, you with your parents for the same 4 hours then the remainder of time with just the two of you...that way no one is spread too thin. If mealtimes are important to your MIL every 2nd year expect to spend it with her eating her cooking...or divvy up the holidays that your family celebrates and decide how you want to set up the visits (i.e. one year MIL takes New Years/Thanksgiving, your mom takes Christmas/Easter etc, then the next year either do the same or switch which holidays each of them takes). Wiser yet is to choose only those IMPORTANT holidays among you and divvy those up between houses.

My SIL's and I have divvied the holidays up for years now...one year is Christmas at one SIL's, New Years at my home, Thanksgiving at the other SIL's and Easter is our home holiday. Next year we change rolls. This year was to be my Christmas but my one SIL has a very ill and dependent parent living with her now so she isn't able to get away...thus she is having dinner at her home and we'll all just bring dishes that we make up. Compromise and roll with the punches = less stress and less stressful gatherings.

Someone may have a far better suggestion but the only one I can really stress is not to let it get you all worked up and stressed. It can work out if everyone is able to realize that we are only 1 person and can't be in two places at once without there having to be some compromises. All you need to do is make sure the one inlaw isn't making all the compromises.

Good luck

Answer 7

I also have a MIL from hell..but thats another story! But for you, you should just do what you both want to do...you two are your own family now and maybe you would like to start some of your own traditions and just tell her what you are going to do and if she doesn't like it...like going to your house than to bad. You offered thats as much as you can do as just be real nice to her don't give her a reason to not like you.

Answer 8

You can offer to have holidays by your house that way you can spend them with you parents and in-laws if you'd like. Good luck.

Answer 9

That is why MILs were invented. Just hang on to the thought it will be your turn one day. Or, the next time you go to her house, run your finger along the mantle piece, and tut - very quietly.

Answer 10

Your husband needs to talk to her. He has to help her understand that the family has expanded.....he has 2 families to see at the holidays now and so do you. They are going to have to act grown up and take turns and share you guys.

We refuse to leave our house for Xmas Eve/Xmas morning because we want our kids to have that at home with us. If anyone wants to come to our home and see us, that's fine.