Help! Mother in law is making it hard to look forward to the holidays!?
My huband and I were recently married in September of this year. We have been together for 6 years. My mother in law is all of a sudden making a big deal about the holidays. For instance she wanted us to go to her house this year for Thanksgiving and go to my moms next year.My husband told her this wasn't going to work because we want to be with both sides for the holidays. I offered to do Thanksgiving at my house so that we could all be toghether and she wouldn't have to feel that the holidays are a big rush. She refused my offer. So I thought we agreed on splitting the holiday we would go to her house at 11am and have appitizers with her. Her dinner was in the middile of the day and this year was our year to have dinner with my parents because last year we only got to spend a few hours at my moms. The night before Thanksgiving my MIL called my husband to discuss Thanksgiving and he must have told her agian about how our day was planned we would show up at 11 have appitizers and spend
Additional Details
10 minutes ago
time with them and then leave at 4 to make diner at my mothers house. She was doing dinner at 5. My mother in law blew up. Don't even bother coming I can't believe your not eating here you do everything with her family. Blaah Blahh Blahh. She said not even to bother to come come next year to her house only so she can get her full Thanksgiving. Which I refuse to do and she doesn't respect that. She then said that we always run out on her to get to my moms which is untrue we were spending most of the day with her. The next year we would eat our main meal with her. She was so upset she hung up on him and he was so upset at her that we didn't go. They didn't talk for a week and when they did he opologized for not being there and she was still feeling the same way and said that . everything was about me and my mother. That is also untrue we tried working it out with her. 1. I offered to do thanksgiving so that nobody was torn away. 2. I my mom doesn't care about the time you do dinner but
5 minutes ago
if you could do your thanksgiving at lunch time or dinner time everything would work out alot better. She likes to have hers smack dab in the middle of the day. I don't know what to do about her she is starting to cause problems between me and my husband and he doesn't want me to say anything to her. She can't respect us as a married couple she wants everything her way. I am starting to really dislike her. What do I do. She also says that discussing the holidays is between her and my husband. That really pissed me off and I would really like to confront her on that. I feel like the main issue is is that she feels she has lost all control I think she is really jelous of my mother and what she has done for me and my husband. I know this seems really long and not put together well but its really upseting me and I have gotten good responses on here other times
2006-12-04 02:45:11 · 7 answers · asked by BabyDolll128 3 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
Are you the woman my husband keeps hiding from me?
I swear to God, we could be married to the same man. My husband's step-mother is the same exact way. She don't even remember my name!! Tell your husband that you are his family now, and you should come first. On Thanksgiving, me and my husband were at my mom's at six a.m, his mom's by two, his dad's by five, and didn't get home from there until almost ten-thirty!! My mom wouldn't have minded putting dinner off until Saturday. His mom freaked because we weren't at her house all day, and stayed in bed all that afternoon. His step-mom freaked because I wouldn't eat anything. I was thinking, "Hello! Remember my name, and I might eat your stupid turkey!!"
I dread Christmas, for that very reason. We are having a definite schedule this time!!
2006-12-04 02:59:34 · answer #1 · answered by tinkerbell24 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
ok..i feel your pain. I have been married 20 years and my MIL was the same exact way when we got married. She still would be if we finally didnt make some of our own rules. What we did finally after a few years was decide to stay home for Thanksgiving. That is our holiday at our house. Just our immediate family. Its quiet and relaxing. We have kids but before that my husband would watch football, help me cook I would cook and sit and read or whatever..it was great and now with our kids its still great. Then for the Christmas holiday..give one family christmas eve and then the other christmas day. Im am sure you are right about the jelousy..no doubt about it. You husband needs to always support you..ALWAYS..or she will put a wedge between you. She will learn to accept things the way you do them. Now your husband may be the one "comes up with the idea" she will like it more..hehe. Just remember, you are in control of yourself. Dont worry about the power struggles..she can waste her energy there. Good luck!!
2006-12-04 14:49:14 · answer #2 · answered by wartytoadjody39 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is hard to please everyone. She doesn't call the shots, if you let her she will. I am not saying be mean, but stand by doing what you want. The holiday IS NOT about HER. It is about ALL family. Your original idea( all go to your house for thanksgiving) GREAT idea. You should of stuck with it. You have the right to see your family too. You could sit down and have a chat with her. It is not between her and your husband...your in this relationship too. Tell her, we will be celebrating X holiday(Christmas,thanksgiving,whatever) at our house, and would enjoy you to join us. If she starts saying No NO NO noo no( I have a family member like this) say, well this is what WE are doing, like I said you are more than welcome to join us. I offered to split the day lat year and obviously it didn't work out.
Either way in reality, she wont be happy. At least you two will be, she wants control. Do not let her have it, it will put a strain between you two. If it means no holidays with her, that is what it is. That is HER choice, she is the one being difficult and not compromising.
2006-12-04 11:59:35 · answer #3 · answered by Brandy 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First of all, be happy that your husband is taking your side and not asking you to cancel plans with you family. Secondly, don't let her stress you. Your husband needs to explain to her that he has 2 families now. And there is no reason she can't compromise and have 1/2 of your holiday and allow your mother to have the other 1/2. If she feels the need to have an entire day tell her that she needs to allow you to do the holidays at your house. That's what we did last year and it worked out great. This year we are splitting Christmas between his mom and mine. No one is upset about it either. They both understand that we are together and have 2 families now. And if she still refuses, just go about your plans. She'll come around one day, and if she doesn't, that's her loss.
2006-12-04 11:17:40 · answer #4 · answered by I'm his princess 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
wow...that is a problem....she definately sounds controlling...
when she doesn't get her way she then "punishes" you guys by telling you not to come at all.....the fact is that you are newlyweds and starting a new family (even if there are no kids, you two are a family)....and you will be starting your own traditions (hopefully)....your mil has been able to have her way for a long time and she is probably feeling pretty threatened with all the change...but she has to let go and let you guys have your own life......it sounds like you guys are being quite fair and considerate of both sides of the family.....if i were you i would have holiday dinners at my house and invite everyone....if they decide not to come, then that is their choice....say "we will be having christmas at our house this year" and leave it at that...don't make it a choice!!!...take the options away from your mother in law....don't put her in charge of the plans, or even have any say in them....she will either accept that she has to go to your house for the holidays or she can spend the holidays alone......and you and your husband have got to be united on the issue!!.......good luck!!
2006-12-04 11:32:09 · answer #5 · answered by SNAP! 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your MIL is trying to run your marriage. I have a
MIL that tried to do that when I was first married.
Sounds like your husband is on your side so my
advice is to make your own plans and invite her
to join you and your husband at your house for
Christmas. Let her know what she can bring to add to
the meal. Then if she squaks, let her. If she refuses to come tell her she'll be missed. Put your foot down hard and fast and do not let her push
you around or bully you into doing things her way.
That will be the only way to get your peace of mind back. Good luck!
2006-12-04 10:57:41 · answer #6 · answered by Precious Gem 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
She's his mother no matter what so it's his responsiblity to stand up to her. Maybe for Christmas you can come to a compromise by spending Christmas Eve with one family and Christmas Day with the other.
Good luck!
2006-12-04 10:59:51 · answer #7 · answered by Angie P. 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋