I can't seem to be able to make friends at work.?

Question

I work in an office with 12 women. I feel isolated from them. They get together after work, go to visit each other's homes, go to lunch together. No one usually asks me to join in the fun. I know that I don't have good social skills. I sit back and wait for others to talk. I get really nervous speaking in front of a group of people so I tend to be very quiet. Our office Christmas party is coming up and I dread going because I'm afraid I won't think of anything interesting to say. I feel foolish at parties and such. I know I should go because my boss has gone through a lot of trouble and expense to make this a really nice get together. If I don't go, I'm afraid I'll be even more isolated from everyone. I feel that no one here likes me that much because when I do try to join in conversations, one or two will have something critical to say. I don't know how to turn this around. I'm not mean or grouchy. I smile and say "Good morning!" What can I do to improve my work relationships?

Nick James - your answer really made me laugh out loud but no I don't think that's quite the answer. These are great answers except for the weird lesbian one. (There's always a wannabe comedian in every group.) And sorry about posting this twice - I thought I was editing it but it posted twice.

Answer 1

This might be helpful
http://sensitive-psychoworld.blogspot.com/

Answer 2

You sound like me. Don't take it personally. You are probably either shy and introverted, and very intelligent (I am not meaning to sound stuck up, sorry). Just because you don't, or don't feel able, to make small talk, doesn't mean you aren't well-liked. Do you have any friends; a one-on-one friend? I communicate better one-on-one with anyone. There is something I found on making small talk...it was about asking questions and listening. General questions, about weather, knowledge about world events; read the front page of yahoo, RR, AOL, or whatever interests you. Everyone has an opinion on something, and everyone has something in common. Try colleges, or other general subjects. If you feel put down, ask, "Why do you feel that way?" to the offender. Or, to avoid the confrontation, just let the offending comment stand.
Other people will know it is offensive; don't let the person get the best of you; then they hold the power. Others will sympathize with you. You gain allies that way. Isolating yourself isn't the key, either. It is office politics. They may feel you are standoffish, unfriendly, or hard to get to know. Stand back a few minutes from two or three people talking so you get to know the gist of the conversation, and see if you are included, or could offer a short joke or comment. I just ordered a book called 'making friends and keeping them for my daughter from American girl. Check out your library. You may ask the reference desk. You didn't mention what you do, but, it may not be advisable to get too personal. Work friendships are hard, especially when competition for jobs becomes an issue. Being liked and being valued by your boss are two different things. If you are competent and excel at what you do, you may be hired for these very same qualities; that your boss wants someone who works and doesn't want a gossiper who is part of this group. My husband had trouble with this kind of group and was hired to dismantle it, and bring in new people. Don't dispair. Form friends that share other interests and activities outside work. These will be true friends. Good luck and God Bless. :) You are a great person with talent, and will know when opportunities knock at your door because you will be around to hear it! Do your best! Take a look at my website (not just the front page; but, everything). I have overcome a lot, yet, you will see how I have been on the outside most of my life, have very few friends, but those I have made are made of gold.

Plus, no one can teach you how not to be you. Be yourself, and rejoice in who you are.

Answer 3

That is a tough one. Maybe you just aren't good at playing the politics game in the workplace. And that isn't a bad thing. Remember that the more you get involved with co-workers in a social sense, the higher the cances are that you will be involved in some nasty office gossip sooner or later. If you are a lone wolf, you can avoid alot of that gossip. They know less about you and that is a good thing. Please remember that humans are sinners and crap by nature. Alot of people are opportunists. They take verbal cheap shots. They will team up on you and kick you when you are down. Have no faith in humanity. You sound like you might be a better person than the other people in the office. Why would you want to join THAT club? Remain a good person and try to avoid them. But continue to be friendly and diplomatic. It is important that you make friends outside of the workplce. Having too many friends in the workplace spells trouble sooner or later. Don't let the bastards get you down.

Answer 4

I feel your pain. I am sort of in the same problem as you. I didn't want to get caught up in the office banter so I just stayed away. I had no idea that my work mates were treating me different until I was not asked to partcipate in work activites that I enjoyed and partcipated in the past. When I asked why I was invited to join, the reply was oops we forgot to include you in the email. Then the fianl straw was I wasn't asked to join the secret santa and although I was suppose to be invited to the x-mas party I never got the invite. So i mentioned something to someone and now i am invited adn in the secrect santa. I never had any intentions for these people to dislike me I just didn't want to get caught up on the office BS. I find it hard to talk to these women at times because I think they talk about the dumbest stuff, but I don't want to not be invited to things i still want to do.

Here is what I did to change my situation. Instead of going after the herd, I just talked to one of the women here who i really do like. When the rest of the herd saw her and i being friendly they were much more accepting. Continue to join in and don't worry about the comments those other ladies make. when they say something mean or snotty, reply with you must have misunderstood what i said and try saying your comment another way. DOn't start a big fight over this but don't let anyone in this world ever walk all over you. Trust me you will gain their respect. Damn them if they don't like you, but they sure as hell better respect you.

also, throw a lilttle get together at your place and invite them or plan an outing like ice skating. You can also bake some goodies and send everyone inter-office email telling them you baked goodies for everyone and to help them selves. That will have people thiniking how nice you are.

When at the x-mas party, start conversations with talking about the event. Mention how the place look so nice, the food tastes so good, and ask about their holiday plans.

Talk about yourself too, about your husband and kids (if you have any. I don't) the book your reading, tv shows, your pet, your family.

Ask them questions that will have follow up questions and any one can join in, like, Does anyone know of a great_________ restaurant? (itialian, chiense, portugese..you fill in the blank) or I am thinking of catching a movie this weekend? Has anyone seen a good movie?

Also ask your work mates how is their day going. they may or may not reply.

i hope i have helped. Just remeber to take things slow, be yourself, and be confident. Your a greta person of course they want to be your friend. and smile when your walking to the copier ropom and say hey! how is your dauy going so far!!

Answer 5

That's tough. Although I know that it is hard to feel left out, I have found that there are alot of women out there who are not worth the effort of trying to extend your friendship. ALOT of women carry the junior high mentality into adulthood, and actually enjoy excluding people, being backstabbing, and not enjoying people for who they are, but for what they can gain from the relationship. Is that the case here? Please analyze the situation carefully. You may not want in on your office click after all.
But, if you do want to befriend these women, you should try to find common interests with them. Then start a conversation. And go to the office party. Don't go with any expectations, just relax and smile and see what happens.

Answer 6

Just go anyway, and pretend your having a good time. Have a drink to relax, who cares what those other women do. They don't pay your bills, also your boss seems nice.......why not chat with him or her at the party. Maybe u can even invite someone to your party. Don't be so critical of yourself and have a good time. Life is too short to be worrying about what other people think of u! Have fun.

Answer 7

they probably like you more than you think but just think that you are shy. don't talk about yourself. ask them about themselves and compliment them on things. that way they won't have anything critical to say. if they have worked together for a really long time then they probably just know each other very well and your someone new to them. if you decline thier offers to go to lunch or whatnot they may think you don't like them. maybe take them up on it or ask them once in awhile to show that you aren't being rude. go to the party. if they serve liquor there then have a drink or two. they don't call it liquid courage for nothing! it would be a perfect opportunity to get to know these people better!

Answer 8

there is purely no longer a trick to it i'm afraid. i'm no longer effective i'm the suited man or woman to respond to as I dont make associates actual both. If its any help the way I absolutely have consistently approached that is like this. i attempt to make effective I absolutely have a distinct set of pastimes (make effective its belongings you quite savour). So as an example I play guitar, do usa strolling and cycle. So I meet those with the help of those procedures and percentage my time/pastimes with those human beings. I communicate new songs/music with the band, I communicate how chilly it change into on the moors with the strolling floor and that i communicate about a sparkling motorcycle or experience with the cyclists. That way you may sense like you're interacting with human beings.. after a at the same time as with them, you'd be seen associates. i assume my trick is p.c.. some pastimes you savour, attempt to affix golf equipment/socials/communities and characteristic relaxing. Your no longer on my own at the same time as it contains being a loner, theres truly some human beings like us who dont make associates actual :) keep at it and attempt no longer to get lower than pressure about it! Get some pastimes, savour your self and also you may want to evidently charm to human beings to communicate with you

Answer 9

No-one wants to hang around someone who doesn't say anything. Its difficult to think of things to say if you don't know someone or have much in common but just try to say something. The more you say, the more you and they will get to know each other and the more you'll have to talk about. They will then eventually include you in social events and you'll then have even more to talk about.

Answer 10

dear....
i had the same problem 2 years ago when i went to university.i was very alone, no friend, oh very bad situation.no one talked to me, no one invited me to parties. but one day i tried to break this isolation so i invited some of my class mates to my birthday party,an the irony was that all of them participated in my birthday party. i tried to have eye contact with all of them, giving smile to all, not folding my arms, as u know these are the important things that u should do it in order to make a good contact with others.and i started conversations with simple thing and statements.now i have lots of intimate friends and i'm very happy now.

Answer 11

How about asking about their day? Show some interest in their lives and chances are they will start to open up. Time does wonders too....eventually people do start to accept you as they get more comfortable with you.