I met my husband on the internet a year and a half ago. We have a warm, wonderful relationship. I have two children from a previous relationship, as does he. Mine are young and live with us, his live with his ex-wife. I haven't met the oldest (16 year old) girl because she "doesn't want a new family". Before I came into my husband's life, his daughters pretty much had him at their disposal. He would go over to their home, while the ex and her new fling went wherever for the weekend. He bought them whatever they wanted, did anything they wished. Now, I taught him to respect himself and to not allow them to manipulate him anymore. The oldest refuses to even see him unless he's coming over there to their home to stay the night, She won't even come outside. And now the youngest has stopped returning his phone calls. They are unreasonable selfish lil girls who hate seeing their father finally happy. What should I do? If they would just see him I'd be happy. should i try?
2006-12-04 02:33:07 · 16 answers · asked by Emmy F 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Ok, let me clear something up. The relationship that my husband & his daughters had was not "fine before I came along". The oldest refused to see him anywhere but her living room, and only if he was spending the night. The youngest would only go out on a certain night of the week, only Tuesdays, not Wednesday or Thursday, and only if they were going out to eat dinner, never would come to his home, never spent the night with him, ever. I did not screw this situation up. It was already screwed. Hell, the oldest doesn't leave the house......ever...is "homeschooled"... I am just trying to support my husband because he wants a relationship with his kids. A normal one. Not one where he is manipulated into being on their terms constantly. Please give me some good advice and don't assume that I'm some evil witch that has come in and messed things up. All he has stopped doing is spending the night. Which , what husband would go off and do that? He loves them, I want to help him.
2006-12-04 05:03:29 · update #1
It sounds like the oldest daughter suffers from an anxiety disorder or agoraphobia (afraid to leave the house). This needs to be dealt with on a medical level - for the girl's sake! Anxiety disorders (panic attacks) can have a genetic component - perhaps the younger daughter is dealing with the same thing on a smaller scale. Who else in either side of the girl's family has dealt with the same thing? You and your husband need to work with the other parent to come up with a plan to work towards solving this. It really might have absolutely nothing to do with you personally.
Your husband would be wrong to stay the night at his ex wife's home. In fact, you ought to go with him once in a while when he visits the girls (this should be encouraged by ex wife as it is in the best interest of the girls to have a relationship with their father).
Being a step parent is difficult in this kind of situation because there is little that YOU can do. It really is up to your husband to be clear on what he wants for his daughters. Personally, I have a really great relationship with each of my sons and all their friends. Through working with kids in crisis I've learned how to establish a quick and easy rapport with most kids. When I was to meet my 3 step children for the first time, I wasn't at all nervous about meeting the boys (I just talked about the biggest and ugliest bugs I'd ever seen and we hit it off right away!). But the oldest daughter was 15 - a whole different ball game. Four years later we still have not connected. It makes me sad that we rarely see her. But I'm hopefull that one day she'll just start coming around more often - for her sake and for my husband's. She's done some incredibly selfish and hurtful things to her Dad and I've been tempted to intervene several times. But, quite simply, I am not her parent.
Good Luck.
2006-12-04 07:56:16 · answer #1 · answered by zenobia2525 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
being a step parent is one of the hardest things to do. Now that that is said, i would recommend that you support your husband and his decisions. Obviously, the girls have a specific relationship with their father, that seems outrageous to you but it was allowed by him. If that has gone on for such a long time, it's impossible to think that just because he doesn't want to do it anymore that the children are going to feel the same way. He needs to explain to his children, about why he cannot do what they ask and explain that they will always be father and daughters and no one and nothing will change that. Also come up with a way to spend time together and really listen to what they are saying. Now it won't go over well at first but they are children and as long as he keeps that line of communication open, they will learn to respect their father's wishes, as well as him respecting theirs.
2006-12-04 04:09:06 · answer #2 · answered by champagne b 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Encourage your husband to take a stand. These girls are learning that it is okay to play games in order to get what they want. I imagine that your husband has a great deal of guilt over this. He may feel like he owes them something more than being a caring, healthy parent. For him to have to spend the night over there is dagrading and insulting to the two of you as a couple. This 16 year old GIRL is making the rules to this idiotic game. The sooner she comes to the realization that life will not always be on her terms, the better. I hope that for all your sakes, you can make some compromises.
2006-12-04 03:18:24 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
What I don't understand is why does your husband spend the night at their house? My parents divorced when I was young and we always went over to my dad's house every other weekend. He should not be spending the night there, that is inapproperiate, I think that you ought to back off, let the girls come over, and you go take a mini-vacation, and re-introduce yourself slowly at first, then get a little involved more and more each time, SLOWLY, this may take awhile. Remember, in their eyes, you are the other woman, and it is right for them to be selfish of the time that they have with their dad since they don't see him often. They don't hate seeing their father happy, they either hate seeing him happy with another woman, or they simply hate you, or both. Maybe have him invite them on a mini-vacation, just the 3 of them to get themselves reacquainted with each other. I was always resentful of the new partners in my parents life, with my dad whenever he gets another woman, he puts us kids aside and spends all of his time and money and energy with her and her kids. That was wrong. And your husband spends more time with your kids then he does with his own kids, so they are resentful of that too. His kids should be the #1 most important thing in his life, and he's not showing it (in their eyes). So my suggestion again is to back off, give them some space, and give them some alone time with their father.
2006-12-04 03:05:15 · answer #4 · answered by Faith 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
"They are unreasonable selfish lil girls who hate seeing their father finally happy."???
this may be Partly true.. but keep in mind they are young.. they were born into a family that was torn appart for what ever reason.. they are wounded by divorce.. through no fault of their own.. their lives were turned upside down.. they have every right to be messed up.
they are kids and kids are self centered...you are lucky your kids are young or they would be behaving the same way...jealous that they have to share you with somebody else...
He needs to talk to them tell them he is sorry it didnt work out between him and their mom.. he needs to sympatize with them.. and remember that they look like young adults but are not. The 16 year old probably is very confused.. if she supports his new relationship she may feel its like turning her back on her mom... Kids dont know the full story of the seperation and often feel in some way hopefull that mom and dad will get back together and everything will be better...
He needs to be gentle with her and yet firm.. he shouldnt give into her.. but he should sympathize with her...
he shouldnt push her to accept you...she doesnt want a new family, and who can blame her... in time she will...
good luck - dont make a fight over it.. you need to be sympathetic to her also.. what kid wants all this hassle????
2006-12-04 02:55:03 · answer #5 · answered by CF_ 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It will take time. A friend of mine was in the same situation and it took a couple of years for her husband's oldest daughter to come around. They have been married for 12 years now and they all get along great. They will grow up eventually and realize how selfish they are, but until then just keep trying to include them in things. I'm sure their mom has a lot to do with why they are acting this way (My friend's husband's Ex was always badmouthing her to the kids). Your husband should sit down with his ex and try to find a solution to this.
2006-12-04 02:47:30 · answer #6 · answered by Ryan's mom 7 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Little girls do not reject their fathers without a reason..., you are an adult..to call them selfish lil girls who hate to see their father finally happy is immature on your part..who hates to see someone else happy?? Not kids thats for sure.You seem to have a very negative attitude about his ex wife and his children...It is not your place to talk about what was going on before you came along..you only have his point of view. There could be a lot of reasons his daughters don't want to be around. Maybe the ex-wife is flapping her gums now that your husband has a new wife and children. Maybe his daughters feel like they have been replaced..your children get his as a full time dad and they don't??? Maybe your children are being bought things and they arent???
2006-12-04 02:47:11 · answer #7 · answered by MELONIE T 3 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Do you realize that they might see you as the woman who took away their father? I am not saying that you are wrong. It is just that it must be tough for them too. Maybe they just need some time to get used to the idea that their father has met a different woman ( who is not their mother) that makes him happy. I am sure that they will eventually get over it. After all they are children.
2006-12-04 02:40:02 · answer #8 · answered by suz' 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
They are his children and should have come before you. They were there first. The fact that you convinced him to have less of a relatinship with his daughters is disgusting and could account for the way they are acting. You had no right to comment on their relatinship, it was working fine before you were there.
He made a huge mistake when he married you. Why must you be so selfish, these children had a father who cared for them and all of a sudden a new woman comes into his life and they are shoved aside. How would you feel? On top of that he is now living with someone else's children. They probably feel horrible and you are making it worse.
I feel so awful for these kids. How dare he marry someone without even introducing his daughter first. If she didn't want to meet you perhaps things should have moved slower. 1 1/2 years is not a long time. I sincerely hope that your husband wakes up and realizes that his daughters are his priority, not you.
2006-12-04 02:52:53 · answer #9 · answered by artimis 4 · 2⤊ 3⤋
~I didn't read this before I responded to your second question. I sensed resentment and I was absolutely right!
You putting the kids down shows that you are childish and SO jealous yourself!
Who cares about your "warm wonderful relationship" when it's at the expense of ones kids? It's been a year and a half and you still haven't met the oldest? You truly are a threat to them! Of course they don't want a new family.
You "taught him to respect himself and to not allow them to manipulate him anymore." That's an awful thing to say! It tells me who wears the pants in this "warm wonderful relationship." You need to get your nose out of his business before he divorces you too! Keep adding to his stress and you might be his new ex wife.
He loves those children and he will see what's taking place sooner or later. How YOU manipulated THEIR situation. Especially since things were fine until you came along with all your rules.
Again, stay out of this situation! I can see what's going on here, with you being a controlling step mom, and I'm sure they can too!
They want to be happy and I'm sure they want their father to be happy as well, probably without you.
You need to grow up. How would you feel if those two girls were yours? Step back and let HIM take control of HIS situation.~
2006-12-04 03:46:26 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 4⤋