Help! Mother in law is making it hard to look forward to the holidays!?

Question

My huband and I were recently married in September of this year. We have been together for 6 years. My mother in law is all of a sudden making a big deal about the holidays. For instance she wanted us to go to her house this year for Thanksgiving and go to my moms next year.My husband told her this wasn't going to work because we want to be with both sides for the holidays. I offered to do Thanksgiving at my house so that we could all be toghether and she wouldn't have to feel that the holidays are a big rush. She refused my offer. So I thought we agreed on splitting the holiday we would go to her house at 11am and have appitizers with her. Her dinner was in the middile of the day and this year was our year to have dinner with my parents because last year we only got to spend a few hours at my moms. The night before Thanksgiving my MIL called my husband to discuss Thanksgiving and he must have told her agian about how our day was planned we would show up at 11 have appitizers and spend

time with them and then leave at 4 to make diner at my mothers house. She was doing dinner at 5. My mother in law blew up. Don't even bother coming I can't believe your not eating here you do everything with her family. Blaah Blahh Blahh. She said not even to bother to come come next year to her house only so she can get her full Thanksgiving. Which I refuse to do and she doesn't respect that. She then said that we always run out on her to get to my moms which is untrue we were spending most of the day with her. The next year we would eat our main meal with her. She was so upset she hung up on him and he was so upset at her that we didn't go. They didn't talk for a week and when they did he opologized for not being there and she was still feeling the same way and said that . everything was about me and my mother. That is also untrue we tried working it out with her. 1. I offered to do thanksgiving so that nobody was torn away. 2. I my mom doesn't care about the time you do dinner but

if you could do your thanksgiving at lunch time or dinner time everything would work out alot better. She likes to have hers smack dab in the middle of the day. I don't know what to do about her she is starting to cause problems between me and my husband and he doesn't want me to say anything to her. She can't respect us as a married couple she wants everything her way. I am starting to really dislike her. What do I do. She also says that discussing the holidays is between her and my husband. That really pissed me off and I would really like to confront her on that. I feel like the main issue is is that she feels she has lost all control I think she is really jelous of my mother and what she has done for me and my husband. I know this seems really long and not put together well but its really upseting me and I have gotten good responses on here other times

Answer 1

your mil sounds selfish to me. wants it all her way funny in 6 yrs she was ok? is she alone for holidays or has other kids? i was a mil pleaser til my world fell apart and i realize how miserble i was . didn't work . i forgot to please myself and she took that and ran with it. one day i woke up and became a monster. no but i don't back down and pretty much do what i want . and i am very nice but don't let her do it aint worth it.

Answer 2

My heart goes out to you. I will be getting married next year, and I've had somewhat similar experiences with my fiance and his parents and grandparents. His paternal grandparents accused my fiance of always catering to my grandparents' needs, never helping them out when they needed it, etc. Well, we fixed that - we haven't spoken to them in a few years. I don't talk to his parents, either, even though he does from time to time. The most important thing to keep in mind is that now that you two are married, his first responsibility is to you, not to his parents. I don't think in-laws realize how hard it is to plan the holidays, since there are two sets of relatives involved. She should be grateful that you are even trying to compromise after the way she's acted. What you might do is tell her that she can either work with you guys on setting up the holidays, or she won't be seeing you two at all. The holidays are precious times, and they shouldn't be ruined because of selfish, self-absorbed people. Whatever you do, good luck in resolving this situation.

Answer 3

Mother-in-law will always be mother in law, they drive you crazy most of the time, because she wants everything at her side. I tell you, as long as there is no conflict between you and your husband of your decision making, spend your time whatever your plans are. Sooner or later, the MIL will understand your ways.

Answer 4

Wow! Welcome to married life with the in laws!! hehe. I understand exactly how you feel and believe me it gets even better when you start having kids and they argue over who gets to throw the baby shower and who stays with you the first few weeks after the baby etc etc.

I can't offer you a total solution to this but I can tell you that this is normal and happens a lot when people first get married. The truth is that MIL was the only woman in your husbands life for years and though it is hard to understand her position and to put yourself in her shoes, especially when she is being a meany, she has her reasons to behave the way she does. She feels threatened. She wants to be the center of the family and now has to take a backseat to you and you are her threat.

I think that you were both just trying to be fair by splitting up the day with both families but someone has to compromise. Unfortuantely it is you who has to do this if you want for things to be smooth and for your husband not to resent you about it one day. He will resent it even if he is also angry with her.

If he has asked for you not to communicate with her then you should honor him in this way. But I think you should have a talk with him and tell him about her position. Don't defend her but remind him that she just wants to be a part of his life and maybe find another way of including her in holidays and things. Instead of dividing the day, why not just spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with her and celebrate Thanksgiving a few days earlier with your mother (she doesn't need to know about it) and spend Christmas Eve with your mom. It is better than dividing the visits in half and both parties are getting the full time to visit.

I know it is tough but it has to be done because this is marriage and this is the way family works. You can't expect MIL or even your mother to stop making Christmas/Thanksgiving dinner and for you to host it when they have been doing it forever and it is their tradition. Don't get involved with your mother in law because she will create more trouble for your marriage. Instead talk to your husband about these matters and let him deal with it. It sounds like he is good at wanting to handle things and this is a great respect to you. But a mother is always a mother and sometimes we have to do what it takes to make things calm because if you disown her now then it will be sad for her one day to not get to see her grandchildren or to be a part of your family. This is the season of forgiving. Forgive her for being a very emotional and defensive mother and try your best to make amends. God bless you and your family but remember though mom can be a pain sometimes, she only wants to be loved and nurtured too in her own way.

Answer 5

The decision on how to spend YOUR holidays is the exclusive domain of you and your husband, whatever decision YOU BOTH make is FINAL. Ignore your MIL and kick up your heels and have some fun!

Answer 6

please, don't let mother's or mother in law's do this to you. holidays are stressful enough without them trying to ruin things. you are right when you say she's not respecting you. i'm glad your husband stood up for you - and i hope he doesn't buckle under to his mom's demands in the future. she is testing the waters to see what she can get away with. you certainly did try to make it work - she will not be satisfied unless it's HER way. what's the matter with her - is she trying to destroy her son's marriage? these are the things that get in the way of a couple trying to find their way in life. DON"T let HER do it. it's unfair. just have your husband tell her what you want for the holidays - and this is the way it's going to be for US, sorry if you don't agree - if you don't want to see us, that's up to you. she putting fear into you two, you have to put fear into her. if you stick to your guns, she'll see if she doesn't change, she'll not see her son AT ALL for the holidays-the choice is HERS. please, don't let her ruin what you and your husband have, work on making your relationship stronger because of her ways, it's her problem, she has to grow up and realize she had her chance at life (and probably didn't like family telling her what to do for the holidays) and now it's the beginning of her son's life to make his own decisions to make HIS family grow, work and be happy. good luck.

Answer 7

always a problem with the holidays, your family comes first, your husband did right right thing by telling his mother the time table. now stick to it.

Answer 8

I think your husband needs to stand up to her. He probably seldom has, and you MIL views you as a threat.

Answer 9

have dinner at your own home...and invite her there...tell her it's your house and that what you say goes...also invite your parents too...if the MIL does not like your plans then she does not have to be there....