what do you do if his child hates my children?

Question

My boyfriend and I just got engaged, his child who is 9 comes up on the weekends,my children ages 15,14,12 live here full time with us, for his childs whole life it has always been about what he wants , what his baby half sister wants and what his mom wants, my b/f became the typical divorced dad, spoiled him on the weekends, now I like his son alot, but lastnight his ex calls up out of the blue and says their son is not going to come back there, (to our house, because he doesnt' want to , his son gets on the phone, and says to him, that he doesn't ever want to see him again, because he hates my children and the only way he will come back is if my children leave the house. My B/f is very upset at this, he says he doesn't understand why his son won't allow him to be happy, my b/f has in the past done everything for his son, now his son doesn't get toys whenever he wants because money is tight, he doesn't get pizza everynight, I think he is just acting like a spoiled brat.

my b/f said he is not going to get his way, because he always has no problem accepting the stepdads his mom brings home, this is the first time he has dated at all , his mom has been married 3 more times since their divorce, I really don't think this is fair, and it is taring him apart, he used to do everything for him, even taking care of her other children , that she had after their divorce, whatever his son wanted his son got, because he only saw him on the weekends, all I need to know is what do we do? should I leave?should we give in, or let him know that he is going to have to deal with it? Please Help!!?

Answer 1

Is the mother understanding? Did he talk to her about what is really going on? That the son is no longer getting spoiled and doesn't like sharing his Dad's time? He needs to speak to the mother about him and his son doing councelling. He's used to sharing his mom, but his Dad has always just been his. Not only that, he's probably jealous that your kids get HIS Dad all the time and he just gets weekends. I think all 3 of the adults in the picture need to consider therapy for the father/son. He needs his Dad in his life and he needs to be able to vocalize his anger. Cause that little boy is angry. If he doesn't get it fixed now, it will negatively impact the rest of his life.

Answer 2

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. i know it must be hard. First, he is 9. He has went through failed marriages, and thinks that this one is no different. He is pushing people away that may hurt him down the road. I would ease him into it. Have Dad and son days first.. just the two of them. Then, you and dad and him, every once in a while.. then have him over for dinner, and then back home.. little by little. Have your BF talk to him and ask why he is feeling this way. Do not let him say...things like.... I dont like them... ask WHY.. and when he answers, talk to him about that. If it is because of you.. then YOU talk to him about why he doesnt like you.. It sounds like he has had alot of let downs in his life, and is building a wall so it doesnt hurt so much if it doesnt work out. I am sorry this is happening, but make sure you talk to him about it, and make sure there is plenty of daddy and son time. Good Luck.

Answer 3

I don't know your location but in Ohio it is the residential parents RESPONSIBILTY to see to it that the child attends the scheduled visitations. You need to sit down with the entire family and draw up some ground rules. Number one on the list should be respect. Unfortunately (and I am right there with you) if you are going to spend the rest of your life with this man you will be dealing with his child and his child's mother. Not always fun, but doable if all adults act mature.

The nine year old needs to be told that ALL the kids have the same ground rules, get the same rewards, same punishments and if you can't buy something for everyone then NO ONE gets it.

My stepdaughter's mother told me that she needed to be made number 1 in our house. I told her it wasn't going to happen, there is no #1 here...not with 5 other children.

Answer 4

Your own consumption is right. He's spoiled.
But the good news is it won't last as long as you two stand your ground. You are not going to go away and he needs to realize that and will IN TIME.
Try some counseling. Your husband needs to set up some family counseling with just him and his son (make him go) for now and then later on include you, then the other kids. This will help.
Good luck and you will be in my prayers, I feel for ya!

Answer 5

in case you dont like teenagers, then get a vasectomy in an attempt to avert your self from having any ---- first step.. Then bypass approximately your existence and dont work together with teenagers. Its somewhat ordinary. basically dont get a activity at a daycare/college/teenagers' medical institution or some thing... stay and enable stay. It additionally probable skill which you have been the two a million) abused as a newborn your self and your emotional/empathy advance has stopped at that age, or 2) you nevertheless sense like a newborn interior your self and dont like that real infants take the attention faraway from you.

Answer 6

Sounds like a big time jealousy problem.I would reassure him that he's loved and always welcome at your house. Sometimes it takes alittle growing up and thats probably the case being he's only 9. Give it time, continue to ask him over, and tell his ex that its important for her to encourage him to come see all of you also.This will take alot of work on all parts. Good Luck!

Answer 7

I think that ur b/fs ex got to his son some how. As revenge. I don't think his son really hates your kids, especially if there was no violence before between them. I think you should talk to his ex about it.

Answer 8

Leave him. It's unfair to your children.