Disagreements about cheating in a relationship.?

Question

I have been dating an awesome woman for a few months. I love her SOOO much and she tells me she loves me. Everything was PERFECT. WAS, that is. when i started talking to my girlfriend she told me that she was bisexual which i thought would be awesome. i was into the idea of threesomes but now that i am in love with her they seem out of the question. I am extremely jealous when it comes to this person and our veiws on cheating are apparantly very different. i think cheating means doing anything with someone else that you wouldnt do in front of your significant other and she believes that only sex is cheating. Well the other night we all decided that we were gonna have some fun and drink (all except for my gf) and i was having a good ole time until i looked over to my left and say my girlfriend making out with another one of my female freinds. I have talked to her and i feel that i cant satisfie all her needs but i dont wnna lose her. I NEED her. she didnt believe that that was cheating.

Answer 1

Its cheating...Time for you to find someone new...

Answer 2

i hear that you are hurting, but don't want to think of the hurt - only "resolve" the situation so that things can go back to being great - as you saw them. However, some situations cannot be "resolved". If she felt for you what you do for her, she would not be kissing one of your friends. For any girl, don't care who she is, physical contact means SOMETHING - let the feminists say what they like!

Ask her, if the situation were reversed, how she would feel. If nothing else, you two are a "couple" and so I imagine how embarassed you must've been. She clearly wishes to have her cake and eat it too. If she loves you as she says - then she will see ONLY you. have eyes ONLY for you. That is love.

Love is when the whole world fades because your man smiled at you.. Love is when the first thing you want to do whenever something good or bad happens is RUN to them. Love is when the prettiest girl or most gorgeous guy seem like a troll beside your plain man, because you love him so damned much. People use the word love too freely. Love, in fact, is a very inept word for the real feeling of LOVE... Need, desire, depth, absorbtion, oneness, passion, respect...these are love.

Sounds to me "Convenience" is what she means by it. I would suggest sit her down - tell her you're not okay with this, because it is disrespectful to you first off, and then because it does not match your idea of love. TEll her what you have to offer - pour out how you feel about her, and tell her if she wants all that, she needs to meet you half way, and set the ground rules - no touchy touchy kissie kissie with others. If she loves you she'll agree wholeheartedly, if nothing else for fear you may do what she did. If she doesn't love you, then you need to realise you have much more to offer than she can take, which means she is simply not enough of a woman for you. Be strong. Love is out there. You WILL find it, so don't settle for convenience.

Answer 3

Cheating is, simply put, breaking the rules. Whatever the rules of your relationship are, if you break them, you cheat. If the rules are you don't walk down A Street, then when you walk down A Street, you're cheating. I don't know what's on A Street that makes it such a bad place, but it doesn't matter.

So once you've decided on the rules, those are the rules. Here's the rub: you make the rules for her, she makes the rules for you. It's the only fair way. Tell her what the rules are, and if she can't live with it, then she can find someone who will make rules she can live with. If she can't respect you, you deserve better. But she may also be willing to negotiate: she can make out with girls if you can leave the toilet seat up kind of deal. If you go for it, then great. But the most important thing is communication and agreement on what's expected.

Answer 4

So to her having full sexual freedom is more important than keeping the man she supposedly loves happy? It sounds to me like you're totally dependent on her, but she is not, and if you continue this way she will never respect you, do whatever she wants, and eventually dump you. Sorry for the bleak outlook, but that is the kind of picture you yourself have just painted. So I would have her face this question straight on. Tell her how this makes you feel, how hurtful this is to you, try to have an open discussion. But if her stance is that this is just what she does and she'll keep doing it, then dump her now before you get hurt even more, she doesn't care about you enough.

One other note, could it be that you're in lust with her rather than in love? I'm sure that a girl like this is great in bed, but what besides her looks and sex did you see in her in the first place? Think about this. Are you attributing qualities to her that maybe aren't there in the first place? A pretty girl like that can be like a drug, which is why I'm not surprised you say you "NEED" her. You probably know deep inside that this relationship is never going to work, but you are hanging on for as long as you can, for the last fix of having the experience of being with someone who is so full of life and adventure and is beautiful and is great in bed. This isn't love however, it's just an unhealthy obsession, which just like a drug addiction, will lead to very painful withdrawals once it's over.

Either way, "adventurous" girls like that get quickly bored with someone who lets them walk all over them. So have the discussion, be firm, and either win her respect and gain her commitment or leave now, because the withdrawals will only be worse the longer you are on this drug habbit.

Sorry you are in this situation, my friend. I truly feel for you.

Answer 5

Yes that is cheating!!
there are all different kinds of cheating..Sex being just one.. you can also have an emotional connection with someone besides you girlfriend and it be cheating..
This is so typical of most guys they like the thought of threesomes or 2 girls together until they get serious about there feelings for their girlfriend!!
You ever heard of be careful what you wish for?
After all isn't that most guys fantasy??
If you really like/love her than set the rules..sounds like you gave her the green light at first, and then when you didn't like it you want the rules to change...People only treat you the way you them!!! GOOD-LUCK!

Answer 6

This is definitely cheating in .my eyes. How would she feel if she looked over and saw you making out with someone else? A relationship is one that is shared between two people...not three. You shouldn't put yourself second to nobody. You deserve better than that. On the other hand, she did tell you she was bisexual and you were cool with it before. You can't just expect her to change now. You should do what makes you happy. You only have one chance to live your life.

Answer 7

She's wrong. Whether she's messing around with a male or female so long as she's in a relationship with you it's cheating. Ask her if she were in a relationship with another female and the other female messed around with anyone else if she would consider it cheating. Or lets say you were bi, would that mean you could mess around with a guy? I don't understand why women don't consider same sex extra curricular sex cheating, but I've heard a lot of them don't. I guess that way they get the best of both.

Answer 8

I don't want to hurt you, but she does not value your relationship as much as you do. I was in this exact same dilemma, only from your girlfriend's point of view. I argued forever that it wasn't cheating, especially since he (and you) got turned on by the fact that it's with another girl. I had the mentality that since he said he liked it, it didn't "count". But it does. And I realized that if I really loved my boyfriend as much as I said I did (and actually believed I did for a long time), then I wouldn't need to be seeking this thrill of making out with girls, etc. I just wouldn't need it. Or want it.

Tell her that it's cheating to YOU, and that's all that matters. You're hurt by it. It's unacceptable. If she can't respect that, she doesn't love you like that.

Answer 9

Everyone has their own opinion, so you need to figure out EXACTLY how you feel. Nobody here can tell you how YOU feel.

Personally, my gf is bi, and I don't care if she makes out with a girl, but I do ask that she tells me if she does something, so I don't feel like she is hiding stuff from me. I'd only view it as cheating if it was another man, but you obviously feel different.

You probably need to sit down with her and explain how you feel and see if you can come to an agreement on this, or it could destroy your relationship. Just be honest with eachother and everything should work out!

Good Luck!

Answer 10

In my opinion (and Webster's dictionary) cheating involves deciet, fruad, or trickery. She is being up front and honest with you and is not seeing other people (men or women) behind your back or without your knowledge. Therefore, she is not "cheating".

You also seem to have some Madonna/Whore complex issues, where when you weren't serious with her the idea of sharing her with others (for your own benefit too) was cool, but now that you have feelings for her you don't want her to be, well... her. You want a prim and proper little woman now that fits your narrow definition of what the ideal wife should be.

You want to sow your wild oats with whores and marry a virgin.

"Woman is doomed to live in a double bind which is at once psychological and physical: she is damned for doing the very thing that keeps the race alive (meaning being made a "whore" for being a sexual being). Man, for his part, is damned for partaking of that guilty sexuality, and doomed to wander the world turning virgins into whores, then cursing his fate in having no true mate to love."

When it comes right down to it, this is your issue, not hers. You are admittedly jealous, which is really just insecurity that she doesn't love you enough because she likes others, also. You are worried that you don't "measure-up" to her other lovers, female or male. So you don't want her to have anybody to compare you to. Then you're safe.

Jealousy is insecurity that you have little or no value to the other person, that they prefer others over you. This obviously is not the case or she would not be with you as her primary, loving, trusting relationship.

Some things about jealousy to think about:

"The jealous bring down the curse they fear upon their own heads."

"Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive."

If you are worried someone will cheat on you, or love someone more than you, you attempt to control them to unneedingly protect yourself to the point that they begin to resent you and thus leave you for someone else. Fear realized through your own fault.

"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own... Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love the great the jealousy."

"In jealousy there is more self-love than love."

What is love? I personally like this description of love from the Buddhist tradition. According to Buddhism, there are four elements of true love.

1. Loving-kindness. Loving-kindness is not only the desire to make someone happy, to bring joy to a beloved person, it is the ability to bring joy and happiness to the person you love, because even if your intention is to love this person, your love might make him or her suffer. To be able to give happiness and joy, you must practice deep looking toward the person you love. Because if you do not understand this person, you cannot love properly.

2. Compassion. This is not only the desire to ease the pain of another person, but the ability to do so. You must practice deep looking in order to gain a good understanding of the nature of the suffering of this person, in order to be able to help him or her to change.

3. Joy. If there is no joy in love, it is not true love. If you are suffering all the time, if you cry all the time, and if you make the person you love cry, this is not really love--it is even the opposite. If there is no joy in your love, you can be sure that it is not true love.

4. Freedom. In true love, you attain freedom. When you love, you bring freedom to the person you love. If the opposite is true, it is not true love. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, not only outside but also inside. “Dear one, do you have enough space in your heart and all around you?” This is an intelligent question for testing whether your love is something real.

In short, you can't ask her to change who she is for your comfort. That is wrong, and I think you know that from what you said above. What you have to do is either fix yourself and your jealousy issues and accept her as she is, or move-on to someone more traditional that better matches your ideal of love. But where you are at right now is doing neither of you any good. You are tormented, she is smothered.

Answer 11

I wonder if perhaps she does not take this relationship as seriously as you do. Since you have high hopes for a serious relationship, you are very worried about your different definitions of cheating. She does not seem to care too much what your definition of cheating is. That might indicate that she does not take your relationship seriously.