Im absolutely Heartbroken..HELP!?

Question

My boyfriend broke up with me via email last Nov when I became pregnant with our daughter. We were together for almost 2 years and it was a big shock to me. He wanted me to have an abortion and I refused. He moved away to another state in Jan of this year and I havent seen or heard from him. I see him online and he wont acknowledge me. He did only one time. I have focused all of my energies on becoming a good mother and taking care of our little girl. I am so lonely and all I do is cry because for some strange reason I still miss him so much. When we were together everything seemed so perfect. I just dont see how he can walk away from someone he "allegedly" loved and his child? My whole life has just been turned upside down and I just cant move past it. I dont want to bother him because he knows how to reach me, but chooses not to. How should I deal with this? How can I stop the sadness, and pick up the pieces to my broken life? Im tired of crying each and everyday nothing helps Thanks

Thank you all for the positive words. I havent sued him for child support. Im really worried that if he has to pay he will want visitation and will take out his frustrations on my baby. She is an innocent bystander in this madness. I am trying my best to provide everything I can for her, but it is very hard. His family knows about the child and have only met her once. I gave them my contacts and even sent them thanksgiving cards with pictures and I have heard nothing. I know everyone says time heals all wounds but it has been a whole year now and I still find myself sobbing on a consistent basis.

You all are very right thank you so much. The funny thing is we had already talked about what would happen if I became pregnant. He said he loved me and that we would deal with it. He even said he despised deadbeat dads! Oh, the IRONY! I was on Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo because I couldnt tolerate the other high dose hormones. That is why we had this coversation in the first place! Well, she is MY daughter and im prepared to take good care of her. Thanks so much for the inspiration!

Answer 1

Well, first of all I am sorry you had to experience this. Secondly, understand one thing right now - regardless of who argues, I have four kids and have been pregnant multiple times, loosing many babies from endometriosis. The emotions you carry with you strongly effect your child and what they will be like when they are being developed within you. I have learned, very quickly, that my children usually are what I needed most during my pregnancies. Like my daughter for example: she is a very sweet, affectionate and creative little girl. I can clearly remember needing affection, and longing for new outlets for my creativity and sense of adventure. The downside? She is a hothead, bigtime and will explode if she gets mad enough. Me? During that pregnancy, boy ... I had the WORST temper ever! I would get angry at my husband for the stupidest things. Sometimes she is also very clingy. I, too, was clingy to my husband during my pregnancy.

Point: Whatever you feel now, is going to carry on to your child now, and through their childhood. The guy left you, and now your entire focus HAS to be shifted to nothing more than making this life a good one for your child, because wether you realize it or not, you had a part in the making of her and honey - being a woman sucks sometimes because we can't just "walk away" when this happens. If you couldn't choose an abortion, then that means you choose life, and to choose life means to choose giving up anything that could inhibit your child from being happy, physically healthy and psycologically healthy. That includes this man you hold intense feelings for.

It is obvious that you two never stopped to talk about the "what if's" of conception during your sexual encounters. This is unfortunate, and is also hindsight. You ask what you should do now?

1) Stop calling your baby "our child" because the second he suggested an abortion, the child was not his spiritually anymore. To suggest the end of a life is to state you have no love or care for that life. If someone tied to kill you, would you want to love them and call them your parent?

2) Either acecpt being a single parent from this point forwards, or consider adopting your baby out to a loving couple who CAN focus their entire selves towards that child and no one else. Your baby needs you now.

3) Consider this your new lease on life. Break away from all the ties that bind and move into this new phase of your life that is about to begin. Unfortunately, in todays society, 2 years is a drop in the bucket of relationships, and apparently was not enough time for you two to really understand each other's goals and dreams. Now you can learn from this mistake/blessing and eventually you will find someone who DOES love children as much as you, and will love your daughter the same as their own.

4) Be prepared to battle him for child support, because most states will pester you about "where the father is", unless he is willing to sign away his rights, which I strongly suggest especially after he suggested an abortion.

No more emails, no more contact. Just rid yourself of him, and think of your baby from this moment on. Crying about him every day is NOT "focusing your energies on becoming a good mother". It's focusing on what you cannot change and you cannot FORCE someone to love someone they never wanted in their lives to begin with. Everything happens for a reason. What that reason is, is a mystery. Just know, your baby is a miracle wether you realize it or not. I suggest you treat him or her that way now, and forget about this man.

Just remember this:

For you to be a good mother, you have to be happy. No unhappy mother can be a good one. They cry, they yell and they are depressed with short tempers. Who needs a Mom like that?

Good luck with this ..

Answer 2

Well, this is why hetero-sexually active people have to have a 'what if we get pregnant' talk before having sex! Quite clearly, your ex was having sex for other reasons and did not want to be a father. He has that right since it's not like you were trying. It's too bad that you didn't know this before making the decision to become sexually involved with him since you had a very different opinion on the matter. He may have loved you, but the idea of having a child can be a deal breaker. If my lover up and said to me "I want a baby" he'd either have to change his mind or find someone new. It just couldn't work. So, no, I don't think that your ex is a scum bag. I do think you are both equally guilty in this situation.

What you need to continue to do is realise your own personal responsibility and choice to have the baby and continue to make sure your child is taken care of. If that means suing for child support, do it. If you find that your ex is abusing your baby, you can always take him back to court and make sure he has no visitation. Also, you need to look into yourself, what do you want out of life now that you have a child? What's possible?

And what ever you do, don't make this mistake again! If you want to have a sexual relationship, talk about the possibility of pregnancy before hand! If you don't agree, don't get involved that way.

Answer 3

I am so sorry that someone that you love hurt you and your daughter. Time does really heal wounds to some degree. You are smart to concentrate on being a good mom. Try to spend time with your family and friends not agonizing over how sad you are but by having some fun. When you are around other people you won't be so lonely. Remember even though your daughter is small, your emotions have a huge impact on her so continue to be strong. When you are done being sad, you are going to get very angry with him. When that happens you know you have moved past loving him and you will definitely be ready to take move into action. If he does not want to be in contact with you or your daughter that's his problem but don't let him off the hook financially. He still should pay child support for her.
Take care of yourself and your daughter. I wish you both the best.

Answer 4

I know you are hurting, but even if he came back it would not be good for you and your daughter. A man that would walk out like that has nothing to offer that you need. I don't know what to tell to help you move on -- everyone is different. First, do whatever you need to do so that you do not see when he is on line. Delete him from your friends list and make sure he cannot see when you are on line. That way you eliminate the agony of him not acknowledging you. Next, find a way to make new friends. A support group for single moms or mommy and me classes -- something that fits your schedule and life style. Take back your life. I've been in your shoes. All I wanted was my ex back after he left when our daughter was 6 months old. He came back and my life was a living hell for 11 years and ended up moving 2000 miles away to get over him and away from him. Don't put yourself through any more heartache.

Answer 5

I can see how it would be hard, but look at your daughter and then you will know what he walked out on. He betrayed you and your daughter, and is too much of a coward to take care of his family. There are so many better men out there that wouldn't want you to have an abortion, then leaves you. You deserve better, and I am happy that you didn't let him force you into an abortion. You are one of the few that would still have the baby with the man walking out. You are a good mother, and see that you have an amazing daughter.

I would possibly leave him a msg. and a picture of your daughter and let him know what is missing out on. But don't ask for him to come back.

As for him... look for someone better.
And are you going after him for child-support? I really hope so, if not; you should.

Answer 6

Just when I think I have it bad, or Ive seen it all , I read something heartbreaking like this. I am prone to getting my heart broken and kind of know what you are dealing with.
It takes time...I always hated hearing that because time is usually a million miles away from the heart. I can imagin the questions that roll thru your mind...all the why's? and what is he doing and is he even thinking about his child and you?? I know, these are natural questions the heart will ask the mind. Fact of the matter is...He is..but he wont allow himself to admitt to what he has done...he made the choice to leave and to leave to another state at that! I was in a situation where the guy didnt want my pregnancy and I remember the heart ache I felt...utter devasation. The betrayal that sets in is kind of hard to shake...I have to give you credit because I didnt go thru with the preganancy..he had 7 other children with 7 other women and is now sitting on 18 years of prison time for a very sick act!!! So I as hard as it is deal with the pain of the abortion but in someways am thankful. I never thought I would say that but its true...I know there is nothing I can say that going to provide a quick fix to a broken heart But as your child grows and your l0ve for that child grows so will your dispise for that deadbeat!!
There will be a time when he wants to come around...when life knocks at his door and hands him a plate of "REALITY" but I hope when that day comes around you have made a extra great life for you and your baby and he can see the women he left behind was the women who took on both roles and raised a beautiful child and took the world on as both mother and father...and oh the love and devotion the children have for the mother who did it all...
Good Luck and May God Bless and Keep you and yours!!!!

Answer 7

That is awful and i am so sorry to hear that happened to you. The truth of it is, you are probably better off without him. Think of it this way, had he stuck around and your little girl was born, knew who "daddy" was, then he left...it would be the two of you crying together. Be thankful he gave you a precious gift and know there is a man out there who would love you and your daughter no matter what. It is HIS loss as well. He is missing out on a child and sounds like a great girlfriend as well. Good luck and i hope everything works out for you and your little girl.

Answer 8

well girlfriend. your going to have to learn to be strong for yourself and for the sake of your daughter. your not the only one who has ever been in this type of situation. I know plenty of people. One friend did it and went to college and became a doctor. as long as you stay focused on hope and your dreams..you will do great. just set goals for yourself. set a new goal everyday, week, month or year and work to accomplish it. you will realize after awhile that you can do anything....you just have to put your mind to it. If its not heartbreak from losing a partner, it could be heartbreak from losing a loved one to death. We always feel pain, we are human...its in our nature. You just got to learn to brush it off your shoulders when you can. Its ok to cry today...but don't let that cloud tomorrow. Believe in yourself and some higher power and use your energy intellegently. one day your ex. will see how strong you were and how much of a coward he was. he will have to live with that his whole life...and the thought of 'what if'. You don't...cause you were strong and the better person...the better parent. everything happens for a reason....we just know why til sometime later in life. God bless sis...and stay strong, positive, and independent.

Answer 9

What an immature loser! You and your daughter deserve so much more! I hope that he's paying you some child support, and if he isn't you should make him. Just because he is too much of a child to take care of one himself doesn't mean that he doesn't have to help pay for her to have a good life! As for crying and missing him, I know this is easier said than done but please please try to get over him! He obviously only cares about himself, so forget about him and his loser ways. Honestly, maybe try some counselling. Talking to someone who is a professional may be the answer. Good luck and I hope that scumbag pays one day for what he did to you guys!

Answer 10

honey, you are just going to have to learn that you and your daughter are better off without someone like him in your life. you need to get yourself together because you cannot be a good mother to your daughter while you are feelings this way. make him pay the child support that he should and move on with your child.