How can I get over being bitter over childhood abuse?

Question

I was molested, and abused by all of the males in my immediate family. I have been suffering terribly as a result. I am depressed, dissociated, depersonalized, anxious, stressed, and suicidal. I did nothing to deserve this! I was just a little girl! I work daily at staying alive whilst the perpetrators know nothing of my anguish and torment. I am so bitter! How can I put this behind me? I am so sad :( Thanks for your helpful and thoughtful advice.

Answer 1

I don't think anyone actually ever can "get over it". You do need to accept the simple fact that the people who caused you pain did not do so with the intention of hurting you. They too were abused far worse than you have been abused & this in no way lessens the pain that you harbor within yourself. It is a complex issue & each of us who has experienced abuse as a child comes to grips with it in different ways. It takes years of experimentation & exploration until the abused person stumbles upon a person or a group the uses words that you will hear as clearly as a light going on in a darkened room. Basically, when you are abused, a part of you is locked away in a place in your own mind. This is your safety mechinism & it allows you to grow into adulthood & slowly release your anguish in a way that is safe for you & the people around you. Sometimes, when we want to heal too quickly, our locked-up emotions go out too fast & we get confused because suddenly we are confused & feal scared of the smallest & simplest tasks in our daily lives. When you can find something in your life to thank your predators for, then you can begin to heal with less rage & confusion. I don't mean thank them to their faces...I mean you need to thank them in your mind or in writing in a private journal for taking part in the strong part of you who can survive things in your life that most people have not or could not deal with. What they did to you was wrong & you cannot change it. You did nothing to deserve being treated like that. They did nothing to ask to be like they are. You can heal & go on to help others who are in pain some day. Chances are that the people who harmed you won't remember doing so, or will never admit it. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself & stop worrying about these people. They will get old & die. They should no longer be in control of you. Learn how to let them go by accepting the simple fact that you were a small child who was helpless & now you are no longer that small child & now you can do something IF someone were to try & hurt you again. Forgiveness will come as you gain confidence & strength in who you are. The longer you give your abusers the strength to make you feel like an abused child, the longer you will remain just that. You are no longer that child. Become a better kinder adult than the people who hurt you by loving yourself just for being able to talk about your abuse!

Answer 2

Hi

I am a survivor of abuse. I have written a book about the abuse i suffered which comes out in may 07. I found writing was theraputic for me and helping other survivors and talking with other survivors has also been helpful. I know what your going through and your welcome to mail me anytime or chat.

I personally do not forgive my abusers. I also know they did intend and know they were hurting me. Abusers are NOT victims, they stop being a victim when they turn into an abuser and they turn into an abuser by choice. Not all abusers were abused and even if they were abused, that does not give them the right to abuse another.

You have every right to be angry, you have every right to feel everything your feeling right now, but you are better than they are.

You can learn how to deal with it xxx support is important and talking about it here is a step in the right direction. I applaud you for your strength in speaking out about what happened to you.

You do go through that anger, hatred and all the emotions under the sun because thats part of your healing process.

You did not deserve what happened to you.

If you havent been to the police, i suggest you do because it might not just be you they do it to and they will continue to do it as long as they are not reported and they also need to understand thats it is unacceptable behaviour.

Answer 3

Counseling will help you by discovering some new coping skills, new self-talk, new perspective, and new outlook.

What happened to you was terrible and not your fault.
You are not damaged as a person, however you are psychologically sunburned.

Your past does not have to define who you are or who you choose to become. You are an adult now and you have choices.

If you are stilll within the statute of limitations, I recommend that you file charges. You may be afraid to relive the experience, but it will empower you so you can put it behind you.

Then, I recommend that you go to a support group or even direct a support group for children if abuse.

Answer 4

i think it might desire to be extra damaging specially circumstances. maximum sexual abuse comes from somebody the relatives knows and trusts; a male relatives member specially. The longer the dimensions of the abuse, the extra affected the newborn will become. in many circumstances they tell no person. in the event that they do, and are believed & the abuse stopped - that's the main benificial effect. regardless of the reactions and chaos, the newborn reached out & grow to be risk-free and established. besides the fact that, many circumstances the newborn would tell somebody and not be believed.. in particular by way of fact the parent(s) do no longer desire to have self belief - or, even worse, be believed yet have no longer something carried out approximately it for concern of alienating the perpetrator. hence, the newborn might probable go through extra abuse and experience thoroughly deserted and helpless. i've got self belief this to be the final worst case subject. besides the fact that, i can confirm circumstances the place the information would desire to divide a relatives and create different circumstances (even abusive ones) that would desire to finally end up being extra adverse to the newborn than the preliminary abuse. this is all concerning the sentiments in touch and how the newborn perceives issues. The ensuing ecosystem would desire to experience worse. As for a non everlasting tumultuous ecosystem or embarrassment led to by employing the information popping out.. i do no longer think that this on my own may well be extra adverse than the abuse.

Answer 5

Hi, my heart really goes out to you. I had this same kind of thing happen when i was only young, i'm now 29 and i never did anything about it. I just push it to the back of my mind but i was advised to go to councelling so if you have the opportunity then thats what i'd suggest because apparently these things creep up on people like us later on in life. ( Your Gp can put you in touch with a councellor). I never told anyone about what happened until i was 21 but if your still young enough then i'd also advise you to tell someone, why should these poeple get away with what they have done to you??? This is what you have to live with for the rest of your life and for no fault of your own, i know exactly how it goes.
I do hope you go to councelling and they help you make yourself feel better. No one deserves this type of thing happen to them, no matter who they are.

Answer 6

Couseling can help you to deal with the bitterness. I too am going through that. I don't think there will ever be forgiveness but I do believe I can learn to move forward and put the memories in a place that is not so vivid. Also, you may want to see your doc or a psychiatrist about your depression and suicidal thoughts.

Answer 7

As a survivor myself, I can understand the feelings you have. The only way to move beyond those feelings is to actually work your way through them. You have to allow yourself to remember and to experience the myriad of feelings that follow such trauma. The safest way to do so is under the care of an experienced professional. I recommend RAINN as an excellent resource and referral service: http://www.rainn.org/
Hotline: [phone]-HOPE (4673)

1) You have NOTHING to be ashamed of! You did not have any control of the situation you were in; you were innocent and powerless, and some twisted @$$#0I3$ took advantage of that and robbed you of your childhood.

2) CRY - You were hurt, and need to grieve for your childhood and for what was lost -- it is a normal and healthy part of the healing process. The key is not to wallow in self-pity or to think that the world owes you something because you suffered.

3) SCREAM - You also probably have been keeping in a lot of rage, at the people who violated you (and perhaps at those who did not protect you from it). Mine always surfaced in my dreams. To help myself let it out, I found music and songs that expressed anger and disgust and would play them and sing along at the top of my lungs with tears streaming down my cheeks. It felt so good to have that outlet and stop trying to suppress those feelings.

4) WRITE - Whether it's a journal to help you through the process, or letters to those you feel have some responsibility in what happened (you don't have to actually send them); this is another way to release those feelings, and also to recognize that you were truly defenseless. In some ways, writing about it can help you take a step back - almost as if you are telling someone else's story - and it helps you see from the perspective of the person you are now, that you have no reason to feel shame.

5) LOVE - Last but NOT least! LOVE YOURSELF... take pride in the fact that you are a survivor and that this experience has made you a stronger and more compassionate person. Share love with others -- volunteer with organizations like RAINN or Big Sisters, you can reach out and help others deal with their own similar tragedies. In time, seeing yourself as a person who can help others, you will learn that you do have a lot to offer the world, as well as to offer in a personal relationship.

Finding the ability to trust men, and to allow yourself to open up to an intimate relationship (emotional and/or physical) will take time. NEVER try to force it, and don't let anyone pressure you - if they do, then you know they do not truly love you and you have to walk away. This is again best addressed with the help on an experienced counselor.

Feel free to contact me (click on my avatar or name, then click contact HearKat) if you want to communicate further. You should be proud of yourself for having gotten this far. Hold your head high and live with dignity. Remember that living well is the best revenge -- that means that by not only surviving, but by succeeding in life despite those creeps, you have not allowed them to destroy your spirit. I wish you nothing but the best.

Answer 8

I have been through abuse as a child too. I still hold alot against my mother for letting things happen to me. I find myself treating her badly even though I am an adult now and she is a good mother now. I am still hurt and confused.
Sometimes even disgusted with some things that was done to me. I am now very protective of my own daughter as a result of my childhood. We need to try to see the good in people now and move on. Just keep an eye on your own children (if you are a mom) and make sure their childhood is much better than ours was. Pray to the Lord for the ability to forgive these people even if they are not looking for forgiveness. And find a good friend that u can trust , to talk to in your time of need. Talking to someone makes a huge difference.

Answer 9

This a tragic story. A common one, however.

You are a victim of a terrible injustice.

All you can do is realize that you were abused and come to grips with that fact, slowly.

Perhaps, a Male role model may assist you. You may start to trust again. Once you have trust, the Healing may begin.

Bless you for sharing that story.

Answer 10

I'm so sorry to hear what has happened to you. I first need to ask if the people that did this to you have been arrested for this at it is a crime? If they haven't you need to speak up now because chances are they have or are doing this to someone else and need to pay for their crime. You have made the right first step by talking about it. Your right you didn't deserve this but it did happen and now those molestors need to be locked up. Inmates in prison don't like child molestors at all. I wish you all the best and please tell the authorities about these people so you can get justice you deserve.