Is it common for a depressed spouse to blame me for all of her problems?

Question

My wife is clinically depressed. She blames me for all of her problems. She tells all of her friends and family how evil and nasty I am with little or no truth to back her claims. Is this normal? How long does it last? She has been in therapy for nearly a year and recently started taking Welbutrin. Please advise.

Answer 1

Very normal.

Coach

Answer 2

As a retired mental health professional with 20+ years experience, I can tell you that in diagnosing depression, in the many various ways it can be diagnosed, I have never seen a criterium for anyone of the diagnoses to include "blaming others for their problems". I have seen many therapists use that as another indication of a woman's depression, but that is NOT a clinical criterium put forth by the American Psychiatric Association in their Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), where all mental health diagnoses come from. That indicates one or two of several options. One is that the therapist doesn't know what he or she is doing. Second, that the therapist has profound sympathies for the women's movement and is totally out of touch with clinical reality. Three, that the therapist has significant sympathies or affection for your wife, however clinically criminal that may be. Four, that the therapist has no knowledge of dysfunctional/abusive/alcoholic/chemically addicted families and the individuals' roles within them. Just because your wife has been in therapy for nearly a year doesn't preclude bad therapy, and if the psychiatrist isn't doing his or her own evaluation beyond how well she sleeps, eats, etc., and doesn't staff or discuss the case or client or situation with the therapist, she could be in therapy for decades and take all the latest medications for whatever is her latest diagnosis and nothing will "cure" her. If she consistently blames you for all her problems, she would be eligible for a Personality Disorder diagnosis, and THAT'S what the therapist should be focusing on, in addition to searching out any dysfunctional/abusive/alcoholic/chemically dependent family history there may be. Personality Disorders are the slowest thing to change, and the most clinically trying for the therapist, and many therapists don't have the stamina for it, and oftentimes the client themselves will sabotage or otherwise abort treatment once the therapist moves toward treating the Personality Disorder. Many Personality Disorders cause depression, and many clinicians and psychiatrists spend all their time, and all your money, treating the symptoms without ever touching the cause. It's a HUGE waste of time and money. I hope my professional experience has been of some help here. The tough part is now doing something with what I just told you. God Bless you.

Answer 3

Hi Phillip,
If you had asked this two years ago, you and my husband could have commisterated ;) Blaming others is common among the depressed, but I wonder if that's all that's going on with your wife. You said she's been in therapy for almost a year now--is that coupled with a medication? And is she switching from one med to the Wellbutrin? If so, there could be some bipolar going on there, since she hasn't responded to the therapy or med. BP is very frequently mistaken for depression at first.

However, if this is her first time going on a medication, give it a few weeks to kick in. In the meantime, try not to take these accusations personally (easier said than done, I know.)

Also, encourage her to get a new therapist, but more importantly, have her see a psychiatrist. They're more in tune with all the latest meds and can provide psychotherapy at the same time.

If this has been going on for a year now, it's definitely time to get your wife to a different doc. If she's still holding you accountable for her depression, the therapy is obviously not working! Even if the new med releives this, my advice is to get a new doctor.

Hope this helps!

Answer 4

Hang in there, Phillip H. It's totally normal. A depressed person can only see the bad in life, and can list of a litany of reasons why life is awful and unfair. The only thing you can do is try to be supportive for as long as you can take it, and remember that as unhappy as she might be making you, she's feeling waaaaaay worse inside. If you have a good relationship with her family and you can talk with them about what's happening, maybe you can simply ask them to listen with an open mind and not judge you based on her complaints. If she has just started medication, make sure she takes it for as long as her doctor advises, because if she goes off too soon she'll crash even worse. Hopefully she can climb out of the pit she's in, with you still standing beside her.

Answer 5

I do my husband the same way. I'm clinically depressed and i have my good days and bad days. Its all about the dr. she goes to and the meds. Welbutrin did not work for me. it was not strong enough so i'm on paxil. it helps I hope you get through your problems.

Answer 6

Yes it is normal the very depressed always blames others for their depression.
She needs a different therapist, this one doesn't sound like she is helping her.
Good Luck, you may want to go to a group about being with a depressive spouse? they really are helpful.

Answer 7

yes this is normal in some cases. if she is clinically depressed she should have been on medication right away talking to a person who is clinically depressed does not work, unless they are on medication.

Answer 8

I have a question; if there is a 'little truth' behind what she is saying, exactly what does that mean?

I think you should discuss this with her counselor in depth. They can tell you exactly what is going on with her, we cannot.

You should be a strong and loving support for her. Stop thinking of yourself and start thinking of her.