How do you deal with a 10 year old stepdaughter that shows no respect and doesn't listen to what she is told?

Question

I have a 10 year old stepdaughter that I love, but I can't handle the talking back, fighting, sassyness. We talk to her and it seems like it goes in one ear and out the other. If we tell her no then it is a big fight. I don't know what to do anymore.

Answer 1

I used to have these problems with my SD, she is 13 now. I found an awesome website http://www.steptogether.com

Basically the first year my step daughter met me (she was 11)we got along basically but I would get eye rolls if i aske dher to do stuff and we had a big falling out her last couple days at my house where she did the whole "you're not my mom so I don't have to listen to you" routine ....

For us it was bit extreme because we only see her once a year because she lives across the country - so she coms and stays the summer and goes back. But after her 1st trip, DH talked to her and basically told her he is with me now, and she needs to treat me with the same respect she gives him or she won't be welcome back. he said he loves ehr visiting and would love if it could be more often, but he cannot allow someone to treat me like that in my own home.

She got the hint and we've had normal pre-teen issues since then but she knows we are serious and that when she is at my house, DH + I make the rules, not her. We go out shopping and wtach movies, and have talked about her high school years and stuff - at times she gets snippy and I am quick to cut her off. Her biggest thing has been being a brat and rude and then when I call her on it, she denies she was doing it..lol.. o then fun of having a teenager..lol.

Oh and last year we made a sheet of house rules - what was expect of her and what the result would be if she broke the rules (no tv, bed early, stuff like that - email me if you want I can send it to you). We explained that these rae the hosue rules and that if she has a problem to let us know, but that she si expected to follow them.

She may be moving here with us this coming year so it will be difficlut, but we had to get past that initial issue first. I would suggest your DH talk to her privately wthout you and explain to her that she needs to listen and obey both of you and that you are a package deal. That you are there as just another person to love and care for her, and wheher or not she likes it or you, she needs to at the very least listen to you.

Good luck, and check out that site for sure. There are a lot of drama type houses where step parents have to go to extremes, but I've noticed those are the ones that have more issues with the EX then with the step kids. But there is a lot of info there and lots of good advice.

Answer 2

First off, never do anything without her father. You're the parents so there should be "NO BIG FIGHTS." Its your decisions and she lives with them, she doesn't have to like them, she's not required too. But for her to argue with you about them is unacceptable. You both should tell her what is going to happen and then get up and leave the table. If she throws a fit, let her do it alone. If she harms herself or something in the house, make it come out of her allowance or have her work it off doing chores (yes, this IS more work for you, but it takes time to fix things doesn't it?). And after a month, or a few months, you WILL have her trained in a new way and she will accept it - IT ALL DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH YOUR WILLING TO WORK WITH HER! The number 1 reason kids are so wild these days is lack of supervision, and your new daughter is no fool, as soon as she smells weakness in you, that "you are no longer interested in 'taking her on' anymore" she will fight back that much harder" to prove to you that she is the boss, not you and her dad. The fact is, right now she probably believes that you are an intruder and is trying to get her dad to NOTICE this fact. So, do the opposite, make sure her Dad is involved in every decision involving her, this shows her that you two together both CARE about her actions, your not ganging up on her, you love her and want her to do better. This is about WHAT IS BEST FOR HER IN THE LONG RUN AND SHE SHOULD ALWAYS BE MADE AWARE OF THAT. It is not a popularity contest for Dad's attention, which in her mind it could well be. Coming from a split home does affect you!

So, even if it takes 24 hours to talk to her when Dad gets home, make a note and confront her on her actions. So, for that long she thinks she got away with it, that's okay. When she sees she didn't she will change, its all about what YOU are willing to sacrifice for the sake of your new daughter.

Answer 3

Does she live with you? Or does she come on the week ends, Do you have other kids yours, mine and our? If this is the only child and she comes on the weekends Dad needs to make sure she follows house rules. You need to pick you battles carefully. If she lives there and you have other kids you have no other way than to correct her (NO spanking) when she is wrong. At ten my son spent alot of time sitting on his bed, No toys, no books, no TV, nothing. When that was not enough I added chores with in reason. After that I took away special activities (swimming ) we did that weekly as a family. I had been known to take away his boom box, skate board an anything else he treasured. He is 30 now and turned out just fine. but a blended family takes a lot more work than others. Dad needs to let her know that she is not aloud to treat you any different than she would treat him.

Answer 4

Her father should be standing in applying the rules and punishment for doing that. It is not your job to do it as it is not your child and anything you do will just make her worse. If he really loves and respects you, he would be taking over and making sure she does not get away with all the bad behaviour. If he does not want to take control of the situation, i would let him know you were not going to take it any more if he did not do something and if he does nothing it shows what he really thinks of you so exit the situation and get a place of your own. Then don't look back unless he is willing to get some counseling and take care of the problem.

Answer 5

the only way to get through is to be strong and stand by what you say to her. also you and your spouse need to be a united front and don't let her work the two of you separately. honestly it is probably best if you remove all of her things she does not need to survive...ie...TV, radio, comp, video games, DVDs, you get the idea. leave her room empty of all things except her bed, a pillow and blanket, and clothes to go to school in. i think kids have too much crap now a days and just so ya know i have done this to my 10 yr old and she has now brought her grades up, more respect full, does what she is asked to do, and genuinely appreciates when she gets something of hers back for good behavior. has worked like a charm. good luck and don't be afraid you are being to hard because she WILL try to make you feel bad. basic necessities is all she needs. good luck again

Answer 6

I agree with Jocelyn abt the heart to heart. Then start over with a clean slate. You dont say whether she's this way with everyone or just you (step-mom). When my aunt and uncle split, and my aunt found someone new, it took a LOT before my cousin could handle it. She was about 12, but she acted like she was 5 - kicking things, breaking stuff. Over lotssss of time, they became friends. It can be hard for kids to adjust.

Answer 7

many stepchildren feel left out and create problems to get attention.if i were you i would start doing things that involve just the two of you so that you can develop a bond with her.praise her when she does good things. when she talks back let her know right away that her behavior is not acceptable and that she will be punished. send her to her room and let her know she is not to come out until she can act better.also taking things away from her and not allowing her to have them until she can have respect.does this child have chores? if she don't give her some and as long as to does them with out having to be reminded then she should receive an allowance. as i said make time for just the two of you, see if that helps.

Answer 8

Too often parents do not follow through with a promised punishment for misbehavior. It is even harder when you add step-parents into the mix.

If the girls two natural parents communicate well, they need to lay out the ground rules for the 10 year old girl. They then need to stand up to the little girl. I hope they are not trying to win affection by being the nice parent.

Answer 9

well first of all its just being a pre-teen and also being a girl. another would be its prob really hard on her to have her parents seperated and haveing a step-mom .. some things you can do is dont try being her mom. that makes things worse. but try to be her sister or her friend. take her out shopping or to movies. try to connect with her and most of the talking back wil stop. but not all of it since u r still her mother figure and every girl talks back to her mother. but what you can do is tell her she cant go out for that weekend or she cant go on the computer or somthing she loves.

Answer 10

She needs a clear set of rules. And these need to be consistently enforced with punishment. I personally favor spanking--though I know a lot of people get all hysterical about that.