what do i do to cope with knowing my dad has cancer? im lost!?

Question

it feels like a part of me is gone and i feel like i wont ever be whole again. its soo hard to explain. i dont know what to think!! anyone know where i can find help either online or in person? or has neone had/got the same problem?

my dad has lung cancer and got told its too severe to operate. he also has kneumonia which isnt helping how weak he feels. its terrible. he got told he only has months left. im hoping the chemo will help but u cant always tell.

yes it is terminal altho they hav sed he can try chemo to try n delay it. i hate the word terminal, it seems so.....final!

i dont live with my dad by the way

Answer 1

I am so sorry to hear about your dad....my dad had lung cancer too so I know how it goes. Its the hardest thing in the world to watch someone you love suffer and deteriorate before your eyes and know you can do nothing about it. My poor dad was so poorly...they could not get his pain medication right...he was too ill to continue with chemo (which was sposed to improve his quality of life rather than prolong it)...I think that when someone has cancer its all about the quality of the life they have left that is important. Sadly my dad lost his battle 20th July 2005....and it has been the most devastating experience of my life...nothing will be the same again...I miss him so very much and feel so sad when I think of all that he endured. When I was feeling like you...the sense of panic, the fear of what is to come, the not knowing where to turn...I got in touch with cancerbacup...I had one to one emails with a nurse who was understanding and supportive during dads illness and after we lost him... people say time heals...I disagree, you just learn to adjust to a different life...one without your dad...and NOTHING will ever be the same again....I feel so sad for you and your family and hope that you are all supporting one another and your dad...draw close...spend time with him...write to him...tell him everything you want to say before the opportunity passes. If you want to email me...I am here.....thinking of you and your family and your dad...take care xxx

Answer 2

I am so sorry you are going through this.......I lost my mom to lung cancer 2 years ago. When she was diagnosed, she was in 3rd stage and given a 10 % chance of surviving a year. Still to this day I cope with the lost, no matter how old you are, losing your parent is a very hard thing to deal with. So is watching your parent die. If he was only given a couple of months then chances are Chemo wont work.... it will only make his last bit here with his family worse cause it makes you so sick. I watched my mom try, she has an unoperatable tumor in her left lung, and even tho she did the radiation and chemo, the cancer still spead to her lymph nodes, the sac around her heart and to her bones. My advise is for the time you have left with your dad....cherish each and every moment, try to be strong, your dad needs you to be strong. And just remember, when he dies...it is just his body that has died. His spirit, soul and love carries on forever. Like I said at my mom's funeral service.... My mom wanted to love and take care of everyone all the time, but she was in a body that wouldnt let her do it, now that she is free from a sick body, her soul and spirit are free to love and be there for everyone all the time.....she was finally free!!!

Answer 3

Hi, my father died of cancer when I was 12. Although I was young then, I still know how you feel. My mom has was recently diagnosed with cancer as well, I am 22 now. She had her spleen removed, as this was where the cancer was. She seems to be fine now, and 6 months later the doctors say the cancer has gone. Although I don't know what will happen to your Dad, or how serious it is, I can say that its important to be positive and that you are not alone. I believe that there is a reason for everything, so stay positive, its not easy, but these things are sent to make us stronger.

Answer 4

Hi,
I'm going through the same thing but with my mum. The only advice i can give you is to stay strong, make sure you do and say all that you need to, as we both know one day it will be too late. Make sure that when he's gone you will not be able to say to yourself 'we should have done' or 'i should have said'. Make the most of the time you have left.
I lost a friend last year from cancer and the hardest thing to deal with is regret that you didn't say or do the things that make special memories.
BE STRONG and in control as your dad will need your love and understanding.
Try and remain positive, i know this is really hard but the only tears i shed are when i'm alone as my mum and your dad are having a hard enough time without us adding to the burden.
All the best to you and your dad.

Answer 5

Hi hun. My dad had lung cancer 6 years ago. Has he got it in BOTH lungs? My dad had one of his lungs removed. My mum now has bowel cancer which shes recieveing treatment for. We only found out about mum in july this year.

All i can suggest is be there for your dad when he needs you. It not a nice feeling i can relate to you with this. When we found out about my dad i thought my whole world was against me and i didnt know what to do. He was told he only had a 30% chance of surviving and even AFTER the operation there is still a 70% chance he could get it in the other lung. He smoked heavily then and since then still smoked. However he HAS given up now but only since early this year. I still worry that maybe the damage is already done, that he has left it too late to give his other lung a chance?

Im REALLY sorry to hear about your dad my heart goes out for you.

Make a video of him and you and the family together if you can and he is willing. We have many videos of us altogether and my dad alswys says atleast wen my paerent arent here anymore ive got something to look back on and remember them with. Talk to your dad if you can. He is proberly just as scared as you are hun. Men dont like to show or admit their feelings very often and more so when they are scared. Your dad will proberly feel much more better emotionally if he can talk to someone close to him. Share tears and things with him. Treasure every minute you can with him. Remind him of funny moments you have shared or silly things you both have done. Ask him if theres anything you can do for him to make him more comfortable.

You also need to find someone apart from your family who you can talk too. A very good friend who YOU can share your feelings with. If i can give you any other support email me [e-mail] im a very good listener and sometimes talking to a complete stranger can help aswel.

Answer 6

My FIL was diagnosed with bowel ca with mets (spread) to liver last Xmas and the family was devastated. He had 6 mth of chemo (very little side effects) and was given 3-6 mths to live. We are now 12 mths down the line , he is well , still at work. We all know that when he becomes 'ill' it will be sudden and quick but he shows sometimes diagnosis isnt always bleak!! My FIL has had the best 12 mths - doing things he would never have done before - be positive xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Answer 7

You don't say if he's terminal or not? Cancer isn't always a death sentence. Either way, your father probably has many of the same feelings. I know that as a father, if I were to be diagnosed with cancer, I'd be searching for answers to quite a long list of questions. Why me, why now, how long, what about my family, on and on! Your father is probably very sad about how your knowing about his cancer makes you feel. You know, all parents want only the best for their kids. We want their lives to be easier than ours was. We don't want you to worry about the serious things at a young age ... there is plenty of time for that in your future. Why not tell your dad how you really feel, you know, one of those open heart talks. He may be able to encourage you somehow or you may just do the same for him. If you believe in a higher power, you may want to pray for him and tell him you're doing that. There has been cancer in my family, and I do believe attitude is quite a bit of the cure or, at least, a way to go on longer. Be honest and open and do what ever you can for him. Things always work out!

Answer 8

It is a terrible word to even hear in relation to someone you love and care for. Depending on the type of cancer and the stage at which it has been diagnosed you shouldfirstly be aware that cancer does not mean death. There are things that can and will be done. Your father will also need you to be strong as I am sure he is frightened by what lies ahead.

It is also natural to feel the sense of bewilderment and words are unlikely to help much in coming to terms with it. So arm yourself with facts. Speak to professionals at many of the cancer charities who will have great experience in helping you and your family through the tiems ahead; find out what treatment will mean and over what time frame and don't bottle up the emotions - speak to friends and share the experience and you will find strength from other people who have expereinced something similar. It is tough but as someone else said time helps but be strong and seek strength from others with knowledge

Answer 9

I had cancer 21 years ago and I was okay with it until I woke up one morning to find my husband standing by the bed crying. He was saying that he didn't know what he'd do without me. I didn't need that but needed him to be strong for me. He made me feel that I was doomed to die. It was an awful feeling. Luckily, I have a positive attitude which helped me to survive. He is dead now and I'm still going strong. I'm trying to tell you to be strong when you are with your Dad, miracles happen. If you feel like crying, do it privately. You MUST make him think he is going to survive. Our minds have tremendous power over our bodies you know. When I had cancer I also found that everyone avoided the subject too, and I wanted them to talk to me about it 'cos you get the most alone feeling in the world and it doesn't help to avoid the subject. Lots of people recover from cancer and I really, really hope your Dad is one of them. He needs all your help and support now, and fun too! Tell him how much you love him because I'm sure you do. My thoughts go with you.

Answer 10

I 'm so sorry for you! I haven't ever been in that situation but I know it must be difficult for you.
Are you a Christian? If you're not I don't want you to think I'm dragging religion into this to look snobby or something, I'm really not. But if you're a Christian and if you're Dad's a Christian, you have nothing to worry about.
If he doesn't make it much longer in this life, you'll see him in Heaven one day, and how sweet the reunion will be! Even if you aren't a Christian, I might suggest talking to a local minister or try reading the Bible with your Dad. Really, just believing in and trusting God and letting him share your burdens will help you both to cope. As young as I am, I strongly believe that is the best solution.
I wish you good luck with your situation, and I really hope your Dad lives to see many more days with you.
-Irish C.