I met a really nice, very handsome man and we have been talking on the phone and online for almost a month now..He wants to meet face to face, but I am get scared, my stomach flips and I become very nervous about getting together with him because all my life men have been abusive to me and I even am in therapy for this for the rest of my life. I always feel scared even if nothing is wrong or no one is around me. I have been told that I should change cultures when dating and see if that works, and this guy is a different culture and I like him so much, but I am so afraid that he will become possesive and start to verbally abuse me too when he sees that I am more so on the passive side, always trying to make things right. I dont want to lose him, he is already mad that I didnt visit when I said I would and cannot seem to understand what I am going thru, thinks I am probably cheating and has something to hide. Please if anyone is going thru this or has been thru this..let me know...
2006-12-03 05:10:08 · 9 answers · asked by odaat_1218 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Tell him what you're going through. If he's a great man he'll understand but if he's not then I advise you not to go through with it. Maybe if you talk to some professional help it'll help you conquer your fear.
2006-12-03 05:13:51 · answer #1 · answered by Iileen 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Right now you're in the midst of trying to work on yourself. Although such an effort can take time and is very commendable on your part, there will be those that won't understand. It's not up to you to make them understand or see where you're coming from. Your focus is YOU, right now.
As to this man you've met via the internet, I think it is only fair that you let him know that you're working through issues that have haunted your past relationships and you don't want them to spill over into more positive future ones. You owe it to him to at least let him know that your fear regarding these issues kept you from following through. It wasn't due to another person or any lies you may or might now have had about yourself. You just don't think you're ready for anything serious. But here's my question...this meeting isn't about you becoming partners and moving in together right? It IS just an initial meeting, right? There's nothing wrong in having coffee or meeting some place neutral just to see if you're compatible. You may be jumping the gun by even thinking of him in a relationship capacity. If this is the case, then all your worry is unnecessary. You're meeting as friends for bowling, dancing, or whatever. Don't jump the gun when it comes to acquiring friends. You may find out that you're not even compatible beyond friendship. Besides men generally make it known whether they'd even consider anything beyond friendship by keeping in touch.
I'm sure you already know the signs of manipulation, so don't jump the gun and think there could be anything other than friendship when you haven't even met. Stay consistent with your sessions and continue to put you first and foremost. If he can't understand that, then it's just as well, right?
Good luck!
2006-12-03 13:28:55 · answer #2 · answered by Blaakrayn 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm in the same boat, I won't date because I have been hurt too many times and won't do it again until my kids are grown....
If he doesn't understand that now, you shouldn't meet with him.
You said he's mad that you didn't visit and already accusing you of "cheating", and you haven't even met with him yet, yep, thats a BIG red flag to me.
Don't become involved until you are ready. Let yourself heal so you can bring a healthy you to the relationship.
2006-12-03 13:18:38 · answer #3 · answered by my-kids-mom 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First off, This is very important for you to hear me , what i have to say here:
Your fear is a sign NOT to meet with this man. Because IF he is getting angery ALREADY , because you are scared to meet him, Then that reveals what he is like.
It says that One: he does not do things out of love, he does things out of selfishness, wether you see it or not.
two: he is very impatient, because if he truely has a good heart for you, and is safe for you, then it doesn't matter if you both talk for five years without seeing each other, because all that should matter is your connection.
Also, you MUST look at your past and ask yourself "why is it that I have had sooo many abusive relationships?" And in order to find the answer you look at what you are doing right now with this new person.
What I see is this, you are allowing Fear to controll your movements, therefore moving You into a situation wich will evolve a world of fear around you Once Again.
Do NOT allow your Fear of losing him , Controll your moves.
If your afraid to lose him , ask yourself "why" , because i guarantee you, you do not know him enough to miss him so badly and fear his absence so much.
Life should Never be lived out of Fear.
Fear of being lonely,, fear of not being loved, fear of not having a family , fear of living a life alone, etc
Never be led by fear, EVER.
To live for fear is to live for death.
Live for Love and you LIVE for LIFE.
How do you do that? the answer is , do things that make you feel GOOD. Not fear.
do things You enjoy. Focus on things you enjoy. Focus on beauty.
Focus ONLY on Positive things, and you will be living in love.
BUT if you focus on negative things, then you are focusing on fear.
Remember, look for all the warnings signs of danger, and those warning signs are anything that is the opposite feeling of good.
believe me when i say , do not fear to lose this person, and do not give in to him.
love is truth. so if he loved you, then you would feel no fear, and he would hold no anger.
take care.
and please listen to what i have said.
2006-12-03 13:23:26 · answer #4 · answered by stuart_slider 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
U have to get a hold on yourself.Not all men are like this.U can xplain him ur problem and see if he understands else forget him.And make sure when you do meet, meet him where lot of people are there around u.Once u r comfortable with him.you can think about what to do next.
2006-12-03 13:17:56 · answer #5 · answered by money money 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you are right that you are not ready to date yet. Keep going to therapy and maybe someday you will be ready. Just tell him you are working through some issues from your past and that you really like him but you are not ready to date him yet. He should respect your choice. Dont lead him on and then tell him later when you are too scared to be with him. He deserves the truth and you deserve a fair shot at being ready. Maybe just be friends for a while untill you are comfortable with him.
2006-12-03 13:15:41 · answer #6 · answered by Yomi 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If he truly understands he will wait until you are ready to meet with him.Why not have him go to a restaurant and sit by a window.Bring along a friend and look at him from the outside.If you feel that you are ready then go inside and meet him.You can always call him and tell him you are nearby.
2006-12-03 13:15:14 · answer #7 · answered by gibbyguys 4 · 2⤊ 2⤋
our parents cared a s long time so my advice is not to hurt them they can give you the most valuable advice so go get their advice
2006-12-03 13:16:50 · answer #8 · answered by febin p 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you have to let him know the reason why you didnt show up and explain your problem. he should understand
2006-12-03 13:13:05 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋