My mother is driving me CRAZY!!! Why you ask?

Question

I work a few days a week and my husband works long hours usually 6 days a week.

I primarily take care of our home, clean, take care of the children, feed them etc.
I take pride in having a nice, neat, well put together house and like it tidy and clean.

My mother is the only baby sitter I have for the few days a week that I work, and we CAN'T afford a baby sitter for 10-11 hours three days a week.
When I get home after working a long day after my mom has watched my kids,
my house looks like a tornado came through.
OK I'm not exaggerating AT ALL--The cusions and pillows are all over the floors, there is splatter all over the cabinets, she will cook all day and leave a huge sink of dirty dishes that they have been using the entire day, there will be sticky spots on my carpets, dark spots, sometimes even feces on my sofa and floor, my kitchen floor is sticky, dirty and gross, the kids room is so bad, you can't even step in it.

mind you, I left the house in pretty good condition, clean and tidy.

When I express my grief about it, she tells me to 'shut up' and that 'I'm lucky I have a free baby sitter' and that's "my job, I'm the mother" then she tells me I'm "crazy", "abusive" and threatens me she won't ever come over again.
She tells me "I can't take care of your house" "your kids drive me crazy" and that " I just can't do it".

But I come home, the house smells like crap and looks like a bomb hit it, things are broken, destroyed, torn apart...
It drives me nuts but we need the money and CAN'T afford a baby sitter.

How should I handle this?

OK Jambi, I see your point...

Yes, unfortunately, my mom's house is kept in the same condition. She really doesn't know how to keep house.

Answer 1

Free help watching your kids, and you complain. Better look into hiring one then. Boy, that is too bad. Maybe, since she is saving you so much money, you should buck up, and clean the house when you get home, and thank your mother for taking care of your kids rather than pursue a life of her own. Not a bad trade off in my opinion. A little housework in exchange for free childcare. Wow. I wish my problems where that petty.


Long Live Jambi

Answer 2

OK. You say you can't afford a baby sitter. Try a different approach. Is there any chance your mom can watch your kids at HER house? If not, how about if you found a babysitter that you could "barter" with instead of money exchanging hands? If you cook, you could cook more quantity and provide the meal for a neighborhood mom who will watch your kids but doesn't want to cook. Or perhaps you sew or do a craft like scrapbooking and another mom doesn't have those skills. Or, maybe a mom who will watch your kids during the day while you work would lke you to watch hers on the weekend so she can get something done or go out. What ages are your children? Is it possible you can put a little bit of responsibility on them, even though your mom is irresopnsible? If you are going to get home at 4 p.m., you could set an alarm for them when you leave and tell them at 3 p.m. they are expected to clean up any messes they have made and are especially to keep their own room tidied up. Even very young children can be expected to put things away. They certainly know how to get them out.

Answer 3

At this point with the way things are happening it sounds like you might need to get a sitter. Either that or you will have to put up with the condition that your house is in.
She may not want to do it and in this way is telling you without saying anything at all.
I feel for you but there has to be another option.
Is there someone around that you and she can trade off looking after children. ON the days that you work the other person would look after the children and the days that you don't work you would look after hers.
I am sorry your mother is the way she is ... Something is happening between the lines but what now thats the question. I think you need to talk with her and ask her what is going on.
Does she have no control over the children when she looks after them or is she just there watching what is going on.
hard to pin point a really good answer for you
talk Communicate with your mother and find out what is going on........
Sorry for you good luck

Answer 4

If your mother is that unhappy baby sitting, your kids are at risk. From the passive things, like feces everywhere (how many kids and how old are they?) and also from negligent things- if she's making that much of a mess in the kitchen, is she even watching the kids when she's cooking? Or are they climbing up where they shouldn't be, or playing with matches, or whatever? And lastly, if she is that unhappy, your kids are at risk of physical and emotional abuse. You say you can't afford a baby sitter or day care, but you have to do something different-- your kids' health and safety depend on it. Good Luck!!

Answer 5

Look at it from your mother's viewpoint; she clearly isn't coping and sounds on the edge of a breakdown. Perhaps she is at an age when she expected to be free of childcare but feels obliged to sit for you because of your financial situation. It may be that she'd like to be earning some money of her own, or has other things she wants to do with her time. She's working a long day too, taking care of your children and she's expected to do the housework as well!!.
You need to look at different options and work out your priorities because if thing go on this way one of you will snap.
It might be that none of these suggestions will work for you but they might give you other ideas.
1) either you or your husband reduce your hours so your mam isn't childminding for so long each day.
2) Increase your hours so you can afford to pay a childminder at least part of the time.
3) Look at your budget and see if you can cut back on anything to afford a child minder.
4) How well trained are your kids? Are they old enough to take some responsibility? Make it clear to them that they are expected to help both you and your mother around the house. Teach them to wipe up spills when they happen. Set rules around putting 1 toy away for each toy they get out. Encourage them to wash up after themselves and put their clothes away. Set up a star chart with rewards for good behaviour. Don't let them play you and your mother off against each other.
5) Can you prepare food in advance so she doesn't have to cook? Is part of the problem the kids making themselves sandwiches and not clearing up?.
6) Let you mam know that you appreciate what she's doing; that is, giving up her free time for you. Don't nag her constantly; you put yourself on edge as well as her. Remember that honey can work better than vinegar.
Good Luck

Answer 6

Kinda sounds like she resents babysitting. The house being messy is her revenge to you because of it. I am sorry your mother is like this. Maybe offer her a little bit of money or seriously consider day care. Thirty hours a week is alot for her to be there. She is probably overwhelmed. Ten hours is a long day. Maybe set out pre-made meals and snacks so she won't cook. I don't know, is she doing a good enough job? Feces on the sofa is dangerous. Maybe she cannot keep up with it. You have a big decision. Sorry and good luck.

Answer 7

I was all set to tell you that you should be grateful to have a mom that will watch your kids while you work. That is a luxery that I never had. However, when I got to the part about you finding feces on your sofa and floor, to me, that is crossing the line. Not only is that nasty but very unhealthy for your kids. She should know this since she has already raised a child. You either need to tell her that is not acceptable or find another babysitter.

Just read your additional info...sorry that you can't afford a babysitter but it sounds like your mom has just had it and you can't keep exposing your kids to that. Saving money is not worth your kids safety...either quit your job or find another babysitter.

Answer 8

You either need to express your concerns to your mother, or seriously consider finding a *real* babysitter for your children. Is your mother's house in the same state of condition? If not- ask her why she keeps her house tidy, and insists on destroying your hard work at keeping yours tidy.

Answer 9

talk to your mom tell her that you are really upset that when you come home that the house is a mess. and tell your children that its there duty to help there grandma keep the house clean, you work all day and come home to that when do you ever rest. I would set up some duties for your children to do. and tell your mom that she has to be firm with them to do it. if that doesn't work maybe its time to find someone else to babysit.

Answer 10

Well situation your.. I was in on the opposite side of things.. As it wasn't my mother but my mother-in-law.... And I'ma tell you right now with as frustrated as you are. You've pulled the pin on the grenade; and its time to either let it go (get a new sitter and talk to your mother about the situation) or let it explode on you (take you down physically and mentally). I know shes your mom and all but you gotta lay down the law in your house and mean it.. If she respects you as a mother and her daughter then she will respect your home.