desperately seeking advice?

Question

i have a good friend who i have known for almost my whole life. when i was 12 he gave me my first kiss. since then we have just been great friends but have always loved each other, but maintained our obligations to our religion.

about a month or two ago he approached me with the idea of getting married. he didnt propose... he just asked me if how i felt about this idea. i told him i definitely wasnt opposed but since i am only 18 and he is only 20 we should think about it a little bit more first.

two weeks from that i found out he slept with a someone on one of his business trips. he recently smoked weed. and also, he says that he has come close to having sexual relations with another man.

he claims that he was in a state of depression (both of his parents passed away recently) and that is the only reason these things happened. he is very sorry and wants to make a life together and do right by me.

does anyone think there is anything left to salvage here?

i am only posting this here b/ i am a very religious person and am also interested in a more spiritual perspective on my problem

peace to all

i do love him very much. i suppose the way i phrased "not opposed" is just the way i speak. i wouldnt be "desperately" seeking advice if this wasnt something i wanted to happen very much.

Answer 1

I really feel sorry to know that at barely 20 years old, your friend lost his parents. I too am 18 like you, not very far from 20, but would be devastated if such thing was to happen and maybe I would also do such things as he did, not caring about the world. He must sort of feel alone at times and thats why he wants you to be with him. You're probbably one of the few he feels warm with and who trusts now that his parents are gone. If I think anything is left to salvage?Remember , the future is whatever you make of it, so make it a good one.

Answer 2

At 18 and 20 I think you should think about this a LOT more first.

It's a very good possibility that he's doing what most people his age do... testing the waters and experimenting. With the drug situation, that's likely to be exactly what's going on.

His sexual orientation is something he needs to really think about to know whether it's passing curiosity or a reality. Either is possible. Depression does not make you attracted to one sex or the other.

But whatever his motivations and intentions, he's not ready for that kind of commitment, and unless you are the exception rather than the rule as an 18 year old, neither are you.

I think you should back off on the relationship to a much more casual level if that's emotionally possible for you to do. If it's not, then I suggest that you just remain friends and see what happens.

Answer 3

Hon, I know a lot about HIM but very little about YOU. Also very little about what YOU want.

No, I wouldn't do this thing. You'll regret it. Why would you be rushed to marry at such a young age? The strongest thing you can say about him is the you aren't "opposed" to the idea of getting married. Not only don't you love him - you don't even seem to think he has a very strong character (neither do I).

You aren't tempted to have sexual relations with people of your own gender due to "depression" or because your parents have died, either. He has another issue there which he should sort out before marrying you.

Wait until you are in love, or really admire the guy or BOTH before you get married to a person.

Answer 4

Before two people can ask the question "Are we ready to be married?", each must individually ask "Am I ready to be married?"

From what you write, I don't know if you are, but he is not. I teach a bible study (Christian) to young men from 18 to 27 years - singles. Personally, I believe that marriage is the second most important decision you will make in your life. (the first being to follow Jesus, but we won't get into that here)

The world's perspective on dating and marriage is obviously flawed. I tell them that to find a wife, first run as hard as you can toward Jesus. Look to the left. Look to the right. If there are any girls keeping up with you, then you can see if there is any mutual attraction. Don't allow yourself to be drawn into a relationship with someone who is not keeping up. That would be unequally yoked.

Christian or Muslim, I wouldn't want you to be in a bad marriage. You can wait to see if he matures, but don't make the mistake of thinking "I can marry him and he'll change later."

Answer 5

You are looking at serious problems if you persue a relationship with him. I had a longer relationship with someone and they made some of the same mistakes. Needless to say, she is off the marriage list. They may become a fine christian later in life, but it sounds like you are definately going to be unequally yoked. I would say the only thing you should salvage is a totally platonic friendship, at a distance to avoid getting more feelings. You need to have a specific checklist of things you are looking for in marriage partner with certain things you don't comprimise. It sounds like you would be comprimising if you kept seeing him. God will give you someone that fits your list. All my relatives tell me so, and there have been no divorces in all my family on both sides. Which is about 25 marriages or so.

Answer 6

I think there is, but it needs to be your choice. Some people love a person so much they'll forgive almost anything. So, what you need to ask yourself is whether you're willing to get around this and over this. What I mean is there is no point in saying 'Let's have a fresh start and put the past behind us.' Only for you to be constantly watching over your shoulder for the next thing to happen or when you argue throwing this back in his face. You need to truly be able to know you trust what he is saying and want the relationship to go on to become stronger. Unfortunately that is down to you alone. Good Luck!

Answer 7

Sorry but I think here you are flogging a dead horse with this one, My husband suffers depression, and it has never caused him t do the dirty on me, from what you say about your husband to be he has done the dirty on you twice already, and you can be pretty sure it won't be the only times for it to be done,his parents death is not easy for him of course but it does not cut as an excuse nor does it show him to be very religious for his actions prove not only his disloyalty to God but also to you. No I don't believe you should take that from anyone, no go gety yourelf someone who will care how you feel not only care for how much pleasure he will get through lust toward others and not in your relationship, sorry but his excuse is a lame one and also a picture of your future together ask yourself if you really want that type of relationship, could you live with this kind of behaviour, this behaviour is not excused by depression,it is caused by selfishness for lust, he obviously didn't think about how it would affect you, at all, even expecting you to jump for him and into marrying him anyway he is a bit fresh don't you see he does not care for you he cares about him and his lustfull ways. what sort of person expects you to believe he will be better when you marry marry him, he sounds like he has an excuse for everything and to work his way only, too bad about you I would keep well away from this one he is not worth your misery don't let it get worse for you than it already has, you will live better without him and with some one who will love you, he is not that one, what is it about him that draws you to him?if you think it is his religious ways then don't be fooled religion is not his concern either otherwise he would not have done these things and then found an excuse for them, that is the very thing that shows him up, it's that he used that excuse of his depression not only is that a lame excuse, it is also showing his only care is to make you think he is being reasonable, he is not even being honest with you by denying the responsibility of his actionsand not being honest with you,just the same way as he thinks he can get away with it by God is also the way he thinks he can get away with it by you. that should be sounding your alarm bells very loudly this guy is not serious you will only get heartache from this guy
it is not that he really is sorry if he was he wouldn't lie to you andtry to blame his depression for hisactions and use his parents death,to me this seems even that he does not even care about that other wise how can he use this to his advantage does that not betray his sincerity, it actually shows up an insencerity,no I say drop him like a hot potato get far away from him he is bad for you, you deserve some one who will truly love you, if you have to chase after this guy to love you, that is going to be the way things stay you will need to chase his love always, that is not what you want do you, ask yourself can you live like that is this man who you want to be the father of your children or do you want to find out some time later in your life that he has other children with other women or that he has become inflamed with some man? No get out while you can you will be sorry if you stay with this guy! This may not be the advice you want to hear but think long and hard, before, you go ahead with this relationship if you could call it that!

Answer 8

This is a difficult situation for you, isn't it?

Well, does your religion approve of that kind of behavior? How strong is he, religiously? He seemed motivated to carry on a behavior based on how he felt, psychologically; this may be something you'll have to deal with if you two are to spend your lives together.

If you feel strongly about him, of course there is still something left to "salvage." You could be that bit of strength he needs. I would just sit down with him and talk more about what he is going through, what he wants and make sure it is something that you both want.

Good luck.

Answer 9

You're rolling the dice on this one. I can tell you marriage does NOT change the way a person behaves. In fact the results are going to dissappoint you every single time.

You need to marry someone for who they are, not who you want them to become. Do not get into a rush on this one. Be his girlfriend for a year or so, and don't tell him when or if you'll accept. If he proves himself it will be with truth and patience. Remember he's done some unnacceptable things, and needs to pay the price. Don't let him off easy.

Answer 10

First of all, could you please explain to me how if you share the same religion, that you both feel so strongly about, he felt that it was alright to violate your beliefs?

Secondly, depression is a serious illness, if you think your friend is depressed recommend him see a Doctor.

Thirdly, if he is experimenting with drugs and same sex "relationships", then I suggest that you ask yourself;
"Is this peson really husband material, is this the person you want to father and influence your children:?

Take care and good luck