When an alcoholic tells you he loves you are you supposed to wait forever for him to get his life together?

Question

I don't go to bars, I don't hang out at casinos, I just work. And somehow, I attract alcoholics. I never realize how bad they are until I fall in love. Then it all comes out. My first love was my husband, who drank away our marriage. After it was over I rekindled a relationship from my youth. It was all so good -- until I learned he was a raging alcholic. He is now sitting in jail. Our relationship is now over -- whether he realizes it or not and I must move on. What does it take to meet a nice guy who I am attracted to, that wants to live life, intsead of drown himself in his addiction? I just want to be loved and have someone I can love without fear. But where do I met such a person? Do they even exist?

Answer 1

If you know you're attracted to losers, why don't you seek help for that, rather than trying to clean up the dregs you settle for? It's not that you "attract" alcoholics-- it's that you pursue them once you meet them. Find out why you do.

Answer 2

Ask the man if he drinks and how much. Tell him you are a non-drinker and do not date clients from the casino because of the rules.

You need to tell the fellow in jail it is over. YOu do not want him getting out and assuming that you are still his. Nor is it kind to let someone sit in jail without any idea what is wrong. Better to end it and free yourself both literally and figuratively.

Yes they exist. I actually met my husband online. I know it sounds strange but one of the things in my profile is NO DRINKER DRUGGERS OR SMOKERS> Some men lied but most were honest. All the net did was allow me to meet people I otherwise might not have.

I met them in public places the first few dates (at the movies, at the coffee shop, at the restaurant). Once I was comfortable and had met family members and he mine, I let him take me home after our dates. Online dating is really just online connecting the rest is done pretty much the old fashioned way.

Church socials are another way. You could volunteer for an org that works in an area you believe in and meet men there. Whatever you do and wherever you go Alcoholism is pretty clear. Watch how much is consumed at dinner. One great way is to put the game on at your place and have a case of beer there. You will find out quick and can get the man out of your life with relatively little inconvenience to yourself.

I feel for you because I went through the same thing. I hope you find happiness and please do not be uncomfortable saying no and or asking about how often and how much the person drinks. If you are dealing with men in the casino you can pretty much tell. Good luck. I hope my answer helps

Answer 3

Yes, of course they exist. I would suggest you look at yourself and try to figure out why you seem to attract (or fall in love w/alcoholics). What is it about you that causes this to happen? Are you the mothering type who thinks she can "fix" a guy? Do you feel that you can change them? I am not being critical, just making guesses as to why you've fallen twice for guys w/the same problem.

Whatever it is, maybe you can concentrate less on finding the perfect guy for you. Just go about living your life and spending less time on trying to find someone. It will happen when you least expect it. Just try to become the best person you can be.

One possible way to meet people, not just guys, is to join a group involved w/something you like to do: a book group, an exercise class, discussion group, hiking club, you get the idea. When you are around people with whom you have interests in common, you may find yourself meeting not only guys but making new friends. Widen your social circle and see what comes of it.

Answer 4

You are absolutely not supposed to wait forever until he gets his life together!! You can meet really nice, non-drinking or non-alchoholic men in many places. Book stores, grocery stores, the mall, library, etc. The important thing is that when you DO meet someone, why not just asking if he drinks or not??? Nothing wrong with that. There is something else that needs considering here, you may want to try to get counseling or something, because it is entirely possible for you to be attracting the same kind of personality (drinking) because of something within yourself. Possibly this provides "the comfort zone" for you. As crazy as this sounds, sometimes, we tend to find ourselves in the same situation over and over again because somehow it is a familiar place for us, possibly from our past, and therefore, it is considered our "comfort zone". Good luck, and I hope you find happiness in your life!

Answer 5

Oh Honey, they do exist. My wife is a recovering alcoholic, & we both spend a lot of time now attending meetings. (Her AA, & me Alanon) I hear stories from women all of the time how they endured a lifetime with addiction. For some reason, they leave behind their family, with an alcoholic father, to marry an alcoholic husband, to leave him for an alcoholic or drug addicted boyfriend, & so on, & so on. It seems that unless you look to yourself, & why you tend to gravitate to that type of individual as your choice of a partner, you may be destined to go out & find yourself another addict before your time is up.

Don't think of you as the one who attracts the addicts. (That's the "Oh poor me" victim thinking)
Think of it more as, you go & seek out the addict type. (That's responsible thinking).

You don't strike me as the typical "Co-Dependant" because you tend to end the relationship once the addiction rears it's ugly head. That's really a good thing. Otherwise, I would recommend that you read a book called "Co-Dependant No More" by Melodie Beatty. I only meantion it now in case I have misunderstood your details, & you did stay in the relationships for longer than you should have.

Before you go about seeking the perfect mate, I recommend that you consider taking a break from relationships, to give yourself adequate time to figure out why you gravitate to the addict for a partner. I am not saying that there is a terrible flaw in your personality, or your lifestyle. I do recognise one trait that is very healthy in you, & that is your strong sense of self worth. You must have it, or you would still be hopelessly tied to your 1st husband in a futile effort to save him from himself & his addiction.

I am just suggesting that you give yourself some time for self-exploration, & healing. You know you are worth it.
Bye!

Answer 6

I am right here baby. People that are addicted to drugs and alcohol are weak. I quit smoking weed over 2 years ago, cigarettes and cigars like 4 years ago all to pursue martial art and excellent film making. I've also sold most of my posessions to help pursue my goals. But wait a second... I am addicting to martial art and physical fitness like crack.. Maybe I am just a mad man after all.

Answer 7

I wish I could help. All I can say is when you meet someone take it slow and get to know them. In this world it seems that it's really hard to believe that there are good people out there (relationship wise) but there are. You, me and many others will just have to keep looking. Stay positive and hopeful... :)

Answer 8

People who are addicts generally love more intensely than others. Maybe you don't realize that you are drawn to that intensity. If you want to find a guy who isn't an alcoholic you maybe have to do some soul searching yourself to change what you find attractive.

Answer 9

well, I can certainly empathize, as I too have suffered codependent relationships. First you must get yourself out of the cycle of being drawn to men with substance abuse issues. And you are, even if you don't realize it. Then you will find that not only are you attracted to stable guys without addictions, but they are attracted to you as well.

Answer 10

There are plenty of guys out there. But if you happened to end up falling in love with an alcoholic, instead of endding the relationship (unless of abuse or serious dangers) try and talk to him and help him get rid of his addiction.