How do you get through to an alcoholic?

Question

My husband has a serious problem with drinking. He doesn't think that he has a problem at all. He drinks everyday, at least a 6 pack, often more than that. Weekends are the worst because he'll drink all day. I want it to stop. I don't think that I can deal with this anymore. He has always been a drinker, but it has gotten really bad the last couple years. I am so sick of fighting about this. I am so frustrated with him. How can he not see that he is out of control? He acts like such an idiot when he is drunk and I am losing all respect for him.

I worry about what he is doing to himself. I worry about the affect his drinking is having on our children. How can I get him to recognize that he has a problem???

Answer 1

I am a recovering alcoholic so listen closely. There is nothing you can do for him, he has to hit bottom and want to help himself. His Alcoholism will get worse until when or if this happens. He's not going to stop for you or anybody or anything else, and at this point he probably isn't capable of stopping on his own anyway. The best thing that you can do is to find and go to an Alanon meeting. But once you start keep going, at the very least it will teach you why he is what he is and why he does what he does. Alanon is for the non alcoholic partner of the alcoholic it is free and you don't have to join anything to go. I am making my recovery through AA (3 years sober now) and hopefully your husband will do the same in time. Good Luck and remember it's not your fault.

Answer 2

My uncle is an alcoholic, and has been for years. My dad was always on the borderline of that also, on and off, so I have a lot of experience with it, just throughout my family in general (the men, only). I've realized that until people hit bottom, they don't really want to go out of their comfort zone to change. Why should they, if everything is going.. ehhh, ok? You know what I mean? I think you really have to talk to him first, when he's sober. Tell him the affect it's having on you, and also your children. Tell him that that's no way to live, and if he's not concerned about himself or you, at least for the kid's sake.. Listen, I hate to tell you this, but if you have a husband you #1, doesn't communicate with you, or refuses to actually, #2 has become an alcoholic and doesn't care how he's hurting his family, and #3 doesn't care to change, then it's just going to get worse. It always has in my family, unfortunately. You don't deserve that, and neither does your family. I personally would rather be alone than unhappy, but chances are you'll find someone else, someone better, as much as that doesn't sound feasable now. If this is just something that happened pretty quickly, like before he'd been just great, and you'd been happy, then maybe this is a cry for help. Otherwise, if it's been pretty not so wonderful for a while, chances are it's not going to change until he wants it to, until he hits bottom. You have to give him an ultimatum in the end, it's either alcohol or his family, and you have to stick with that, if he chooses alcohol. Like I mention, my father has been a borderline alcoholic all my life, and it's really ruined my perception ofmen to some extent, as my other male family members are like that too. The child REALLY suffers, I'm sorry to say, so so sadly.. Like I did all my life. I came to hate my father when he was/is drunk, and I still do to this day (I'm 22 years old). There'll be a day, if this continues, when you just can't take it anymore, and you'll wish you could/would/would have left him a long time ago. My mother is actually in the process of drawing up divorce papers at the moment. Not only because of alcohol, but because he's also a liar, cheat, etc. She's 59 years old. Do you have any idea how much harder it is to start over again at 59, rather than 29 or 39? Well I do, and it seems just almost impossible. But not quite impossible, as obviously it's happening. Like I said, there comes a day when you're just sick of it, and can't take it anymore. If he agrees to get help/stop/go to counseling or whatever, good, that's a start. But if he just flat out refuses (and don't nag or argue, just be very calm and tell him that you want to talk to him about something very serious), just refuses to change, and you don't see an end to it, WHY on earth would you stay with him? He obviously doesn't love YOU or your kids enough to want to make your lives better. I have a motto.. if something negative is going on in your life, try to change it, really really REALLY try, give it your all. If it works, great. If not, then you really owe it to yourself (and your kids) to just leave, start a new (and better, more relaxed, more calm, happier) life without the person who's dragging you down in life. As you can see, I'm super passionate about this because I've experienced side effects of it all my life, and hated every single second. Do yourself and your kids a favor and really re-evaluate your situation. Look at it from an outside perspective. I don't know enough about your husband to say too much more, but you do. You know your husband better than anyone, probably, and you know if he'll ever change or not, on a real, reality level. Give it your all, and if that doesn't work, let it go for good. You'll be doing yourself a favor.

Answer 3

My father was a physically and emotionally abusive alcoholic while I was growing up and had been for a very long time.
I really don't think there's anything you can do to get through to him. People in his situation need to get to a place in their own minds where they recognise they have a problem, and only then will they seek the help they need, if they want it.
For your own safety and sanity, and that of your children, I'd recommend you move out. Honestly. My parents broke up so many times as I was growing up, and the only time I was ever at peace was when he was living somewhere else.
Living with my father for so long in that condition has led to my mother, my sister and myself all suffering severe depression on and off for many many years now. It does an awful lot of damage, and when I look back on it now, I wish my mother had had the strength to just kick him out once and for good so we could get on with out lives.
My father has, by the way, now quit drinking completely. They seem to need to hit aboslute rock bottom before they finally admit something is wrong. Then, they'll either bugger off and continue ruining themselves, or they'll do something to get better.
Either way, it's a place they can only find themselves. Nothing you say or do is going to help.
That's my experience, anyway, and I think you'll find that if you talk to people from AA or something, they'll probably tell you the same thing.
Whatever happens, I wish you and your kids health and happiness and the best of luck.
Donna

Answer 4

If he is drinking everyday than he is an alcoholic. If you've asked himj to cut back on the drinking and he refuses, and this is hurting your relationship, than maybe now is the time to revaluate your marriage. Marriage is a mutual commitment and both parties have to come to a compromise on some issues. Also if he drinks a six pack or more a day he will suffer healthwise later on in life.

Answer 5

Know where the man ends and the alcohol begins. The alcohol is the protection that shields him from abuse, from more discipline than he can stand, from peoples unappreciative comments to and about him, and from disappointments he would otherwise feel too strongly when others criticize him and make more demands than he can rise to. Inside the alcoholic may be and probably is a very intelligent very sensitive man. He knows who loves him and really does not want to hurt who loves him. He may be psychic and may know things he doesn't discuss with square brained people who consider all who do not agree with their limited viewpoints "crazy". If you live in separate houses it may be easier to get along with him. If you need the space and he keeps a roomfull of "empties" it is easier for you to make ultimatims and set up deadlines than it is for him to muster up the strength to discipline himself into spending a day getting that room clean and empty. He may not have complete control over all of his body and you may decide there is no excuse. It is not only what the liquor does to his will power and his ability to finish what he starts, but when he allows himself to drink to that extent he has very little control over what entities come in with the liquor. How to get to him and get him to help himself is to be a source of help he can't provide for himself. Fill out his papers, check whats needed for his interviews, do his banking for him if he cooperates by being thrifty and stretching money because this is the beginning of discipline. Help him get himself into any situation which will get him people who will help him surmount it all, for his own good, and that of everyone else. The truth is he may not be able to do it without you, and once he has achieved it, you have an equal and a helper and an appreciative friend, who can stay there because he has learned there is no going back..either will will power or antibuse. It is easier to play this role successfully if you are his sister or another relative or friend. To be the wife is terribly difficult because you are bound to feel as if you are carrying 90% of the load. Plus the responsibility of seeing that the children are brought up properly when HE is another one of the children puts a terrible load on the wife. You may have to, for the sake of the dhildren, take them and separate. If you can enlist the help of 1 or 2 of his friends plus the personelle of an alcohol anonymous bunch you might carry it all off beautifully. It is sincerely hoped that your husband despite the problem has dependable integrity, and real love for you and the children, plus a belief in the Creator.

Answer 6

YOU probably can't. An alcoholic has to come to terms with the fact that they have a problem that they don't want to face. It may take some tough ultimatums in his life to get him to stop. It is very hard on the kids. I grew up in an alcoholic home and it had a huge impact on my life. So I know exactly what you're dealing with. Try checking out an ALANON near your home. It;s for family members of alcoholics. You could probably meet people going through the same thing you are and get some help in how to deal with it. Go to www.alanon.org

Answer 7

You cannot force him to get help. The only person that can make the decision to help him is him. Realization is the first step to recovery. He cannot help himself until he admits to himself that he has a problem.

I would suggest that YOU join some type of alcoholic support group for family of alcoholics. You will find some answers, guidance and support there. This is a time when you need to lean on other people that are going through the same thing and are just as confused, frustrated, etc. as you.

Check out this website for starters. It might help get you started.

http://www.aamolly.org.uk/drinkers.html

Good luck. I know how difficult it is.

Answer 8

Give Him Some More Alcohol !

Not even as a joke. Get him more drunk so that he can realize it by messing up more. And reflect on why does it bother you so much, is it because he does not listen to you or because its bad for his health? Be true to yourself. You brought the kids into the picture, think hard are you bringing them in because you are looking for more excuses or because he is hurting them ? Sometimes it requires unconventional approach to solve such dilemmas.

Answer 9

As hard as it sounds sweetie, i believe that at that point it would help to leave him for a while, long enough for him to miss you and want to change from his heart. Let him know your feed up and really can't take anymore ****. It will be just as hard for you to do so but, if you don't know what else to do and he won't help himself or go to rehab by choice for the sake of his family than he might just need a reality check of whats going to happen if he doesn't get help. I know everything is easier said than done but, it's just my opinion coming from my heart hoping something will make a difference in thought. God bless you honey and i really hope the best for your family's sake. Do what you got to do. It help open my fathers eyes when my mom did and now there back together and things are better. Good Luck.

Answer 10

HHmmm...toughy...I have an alcoholic in my family. Not my husband tho. This other person can be really nasty when he's drunk and he drinks most of the day as well....

From experience in the medical field, it's hard to convince a person that he/she has a problem. When they're drunk, they can be beligerent. I wouldn't suggest talking serious then.

Talk to him when he's sober. I suggest counseling for the both of you. If he still doesn't comply, then you know that you've done your part.

I know it's hard to think about, but alcoholism usually leads to divorce...

You need to think about your sanity. Counseling is the 1st step...I know people that threaten to leave if the alcoholic spouse doesn't comply...

Best wishes.