What does possess people to ask about employment status upon introduction?

Question

In other words, why is the first or second question after being introduced is "what do you do for a living"? Some of us consider such a question to be very personal, and quite offputting to be asked, especially when saying "none of your business" isn't an option.

Example: I was introduced by phone to my brother's new girlfriend and she went on to ask me this question. I happen to be unemployed at the moment, because I chose to get married and move to my husband's country, where at the moment I'm not allowed to work, but ultimately I shouldn't have to explain that to someone I just met. I prefer to know them better before I do.

After all, what if I was chronically unemployed, a prostitute, on welfare or disability or any other status that a lot of people do condemn with minimal knowledge of the circumstances?

I would like to see if someone can help me come up with a reply that politely tells the asker how inappropriate their question is without offending them.

To Shayla:

How do you know I owe my brother's girlfriend an apology? I don't. I answered her question although it felt uncomfortable doing so. I just don't want another such instance to come up again.

Also, I don't have any issues with my husband about my not working, and this is something we talked for more than a year before we made the decision.

Also, you seem to be the one with the anger issues and you're projecting it on me.

Golden 1 says, "My thought is that those who object to this question are those who are not comfortable with what they do."

My answer: That's exactly my point. Many people make their living in ways society simply doesn't approve of, and many people are out to judge harshly (Shayla is a perfect example) with very minimal knowlege. I don't think people should have to put their heads in the chopping block knowing they'll be chopped.

Max 333 says, " Most prostitutes know how to answer that question when it comes up, they either lie or tell the truth. "

My answer: Why should they have to be put in such a position?

Answer 1

I have the perfect answer for you if you are on Welfare or on Disability:

"As much as I would like to talk about it, I can't do so unless you have security clearance."

The jargon implies that the government is involved (which it is when you are receiving a check from them) and people tend to be more understanding and no further questions are asked.

However, in case someone insists on knowing more, your follow-up response is "Sorry, it's classified, and talking about it would only help the enemy". Which basically "the enemy" would be anyone who would be harshly judgmental of your situation.

Basically, while the answer may be somewhat misleading, it most certainly isn't lying and nobody has to know your business.

Answer 2

From my experience, this is considered a rude question in Europe, but in America it is a very common question. In our culture our careers often define who we are and asking this question is an easy way to start a conversation and find out more about a person.
I have found that many people who do not have a career say they are an "artist" or they are simply honest and say "I am not working at the moment". This is not such a bad thing to confess to because the person asking you the question could be the next person to hire you or could help you get connected!

Answer 3

I totally agree with you. This is an inappropriate question, and only designed to have something in which to judge you for. Nobody truly cares THAT much.

Most of the answers, while witty, can be offputting depending on who is asking the question, and the truth is that short of outright lying (and there's always a risk to being found out if you do), there is no way to that you can dodge the question without offending them, so basically it is like another person who answered said: You either tell them the truth or you lie.

Of course if you lie and you're found out, you can always give the comeback of saying, "It was either a lie, or tell you outright it was none of your business."

Answer 4

My thought is that those who object to this question are those who are not comfortable with what they do.
This is a question that is asked of someone new that you meet to get a feel for who that person is, what that person is about in an effort to find a basis for conversation.

Not working is certainly not anything to be ashamed of..........I wish that I did not have to work everyday. I am sure that many people would love to be in your position. Just say, "I spend my time taking care of our new home right now" and very active in the garden, bridge and whatever you stay at home wives/moms do to occupy your time.
When my kids were growing up, I was a stay at home mom and I was very happy to be able to do that.

Answer 5

I believe it may be small talk. I actually may have been guilty of asking the same question, but I get your point.

It would not be rude to say, "I'm not comfortable talking about that". At which point, I'm sure the person would apologize and you'd reply, "No problem, how about those 49er?" (or some such drivel)

Answer 6

well it does seem like if a person likes their occupation or job, they probably will want to talk about it....
I had the same situation you had...for quite a while I chose to stay home with my children, and that was more strenuous than any other job I ever had....and most people say.....your not doing anything.....but I have heard some people say that they would prefer to have a regualr job, because taking care of the kids is too hard.....
Just say "I'm working at home with my children, because I love them....and can't bear to be away from them all day...cause you miss all the little things......It would have been very hard for me to go to work.

Answer 7

I hate that question and I don't ask it. People who I know would ask me the same questions every week at church for example and it would really tick my off. I mean, like even when I was in college certain ones would ask me over and over the same semester, if I was still in college. I felt like saying that you don't graduate from college in a week. I wonder if they were being rude or having memory loss. Others would just say things and ask things to put me down--I really feel they were putting me down. I live in a small town and they knew my situation. I ended up changing churches and shopping out of town.

Answer 8

If you look at guides to manners, particularly for before the
1950-s, it was considered polite to introduce someone by name and occupation....it was thought to confer more of a meaning about the person, not only a degree of social standing, but how knowledgable the person was, and for that matter, the kinds of things that it might make good conversational subjects for that person....

Answer 9

Seems to me like the majority of people who ask that question are usually pretty shallow (ie they define themselves by their job, as if that's all there is to them).

I usually answer as cryptically or as annoyingly as I can. I'm a graphic designer by title... but I've answered that question using "I draw pictures", "I make pretty colours", "I surf the internet all day", "I argue over pixels", or "pixel jockey".

Which is usually greeted by blank stares. A quick "And what do YOU do?" to turn the attention back onto them and even if the conversation still digresses into menial details, at least you made them uncomfortable for a moment.

Edit: depending on your sense of humour, you could always introduce yourself as a professional mail order bride, or working as an independent researcher for Neilson Ratings (watch TV all day)

Answer 10

I agree, that's an annoying American habit, isn't it? I hated it too because for a long time I was a low-paid temporary doing mindless clerical work. Then, when I became a stay-at-home parent, my self-esteem took a nosedive because I don't think stay-at-home parent is considered a "job" by most people. People in the U.S. are judged by their jobs, and you are correct, people ask you what you do after they learn your name.

I don't have a good answer for ya, there's always Dear Abby's standby for instrusive questions: "If you'll forgive me for not answering, I'll forgive you for asking."