How is it possible to be a good person if the people around you are?

Question

cruel and then you end up hating them. How is it possible?
I am studying at university for a Law Degree and recently went to collect my mum from work. She was angry with her work mates and took it out on me telling me that I was at the bottom of the scrap heap and that she should have had an abortion. She then told me that my brother who is a driver is doing better than I am.[ I applied for the job for my brother without him knowing and sent the company a CV and letterfrom which he got an interview - he had been out of work for 4 years before this]... ..
She does and says things like this quite often and I have ended up growing to hate her but it is also affecting me as I only have these thoughts when she is in my life. Christians say you have to forgive and all that.. but do they say that you have to forgive someone who keeps tormenting you emotionally and just allow it to happen just because Jesus also suffered. All this respect your mother and father... even when they hurt you?

Please Answerers don't quote scriptures to me.. they mean nothing to me.. please answer without bible jargon...

Jeff Rockhouse.. "I should ask for forgiveness"???? thanks for that.. that really turns me off religion!!!

You say get over it.. but she has been telling me this sort of stuff for years and it has eroded my self esteem...

BTW I pay for my own education.. not her

Mr Ed: It's true, it has affected my capacity to make friends and maintian relationships. A comment made by someone may remind me of my mother and I will cut that person from my life.. every relationship I have been in my mother has manipulated and the guy ends up thinking my family is bonkers....

Thanks for all of your answers. I am grateful. I just feel so low really and felt like jumping on a plane to the Lebanon or the Congo as being in these countries [however dangeorus] felt easier than being where i am now.

Answer 1

It is an awful thing to be put down like that all the time, and I can perfectly understand you feeling like hating your mother. She is acting in a hateful way. For anyone to tell you:"Just forgive her" - well they don't know what they are talking about - it's always easy to forgive when someone else is hurt!
On the other hand, you keep on suffering from this. I think there are two parts to the cure. You can't change your mother, you can only decide how you will be, and react.
1. You need to set limits - meaning you shouldn't accept anything from everybody. I believe it's quite alright to say to your mother: "You continue to talk to me in a hateful way. I find it is destroying me, and I don't want to let it destroy me. For the time being, I would rather not spend time with you, as long as you are going to talk to me like that. It's wrong, you have no right to treat me that way, and I do not need to accept it". (The Christian message in this is that you are created in God's image, you have dignity, and can and should maintain it).
2. It is normal that your mother's hateful behaviour has found a raised a lot of bitterness in you. Whether from the Christian perspective, or a non christian perspective, bitterness kept inside can destroy you. it can destroy your self confidence (speaking form experience), your capacity to work, your capacity to love others (impossible to hate just one person - it spreads. - speaking again from "bitter" experience.). But how to remove the bitterness? First of all, weigh the cost. What it is hurting you. Like a debt: Your mother owes you affection, respect, encouragement. You have a right to those things. And the loss of those things is extremely costly to you.
You need to express - to yourself, or, much better, to God, if you believe in Him - because He is there to listen, your very real anger at what she has done to you.
Forgiveness would involve weighing that cost, and deciding to "forgive the debt", that is accepting whole-heartedly the denial of those things on the part of your mother. Like saying: "I have a right to that, and I accept its loss. I forgive the debt." That is not being a doormat. Remember the "limits" part. You can and must protect yourself. But you can accept that what should have been given you was denied you.
How can you do that? Sorry, here I have to go into the christian message, because it is the only way I know how. It involves going to the cross (not an image of one, but in the spiritual sense). Contemplate what Jesus did you on the cross, what He bore from you (without ever saying "it's ok"), how He said, "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do". He did not wait for an apology or a change in order to forgive. We are only forgiveness when we accept his forgiveness, but from His point of view, it was already forgiven. So talking to Him about it, you can ask Him to help you to forgive.
- That was long winded, but you gave us a tall order!

Answer 2

Yes, you can be a good person even though the people around you are cruel.

I am sorry your mother treats you with no respect, you pick her up from work, help your brother get a job and your working on a Law Degree. That's a lot on the mind.

The saying to forgive is true. However, it does not mean that you should not take any actions.

It would be good to tell your mother how you feel. Begin with you need to tell her you have something on your mind, ask her to listen to you before she speaks, and you will tell her when you are finished speaking.

If your mother will not listen or blows up on you, remove yourself from the verbal abuse. Let her have time to think about what she is doing to you. If you have to remove yourself, make sure you leave a note with all your concerns and a time that you will get back with her.

Answer 3

that sounds pretty crappy dude. i hope you can someday be a little more at peace once you acquire your degree, then what will they say? paying for your own college is hard and agonizing. ive been working full time and going to school since i got out of high school, what you are doing is admirable and don't ever let anyone think otherwise. you can't possibly try to make everyone happy and you yourself be happy.

i am speaking from my own experience, people of that nature are self-destructive. they usually end up taking care of themselves.

forgiveness? we are human. i am a christian and i don't know if i will ever forgive my father for taking off the way he did. i do know that the anger i have bottled up for my father is like a ticking time bomb and someday i am going to completely lose my temper on someone i care deeply for, and i will lose a good friend.

i feel that true forgivness will always take time, and you are not obviously ready to forgive her yet, but thats ok. your actions testify that you are a bigger person than her, why she has tormented you, but you still think enough of yourself and her to go pick her up at work.

Answer 4

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I would be a liar if I said that I know what you're going through - I don't, I can only imagine.

But what I do know is that it's damn hard to accept people for who they are. Sometimes, I wonder if absolute forgiveness can be achieved at all. I would suggest that you turn a new leaf, maybe start a life on your own, keep some distance for a while. You need a break from hearing that you're ''good for nothing'' and you need to find time to work on yourself. Who knows, maybe in time you will be able to forgive her with no resentmet at all.

And remeber, please, that this is all just one big test. It's Him we're trying to please, not the humans - even if that human is your own mother. I'll pray to God that you pass this test. Ameen.

Have a nice day :)

Answer 5

Try to detach yourself from your mother's words. I know it's difficult when they are being constantly spewed, but her words can only hurt you if you believe those words. You have outlined all the good things you are doing in your life, so you should know that you are a good person. I am certain there are many others around you who can also see this. Your mother is a sick and unhappy woman. You should pity her and rise above her words. It's not necessary to forgive her immediately, but just know that the longer you hold on to the anger, it is like a poison that will infect your being -- not hers. The sooner you realize that she is the one with the problem (not you), and try to forgive her, the easier it will become to go on with your life in a positive way.

Blessings

Answer 6

You are given the opportunity to make good choices whether inspired by religions like Christianity. Muslim or Buddhism. You can chose to become a person trapped in a cycle of anger and regret or chose to be a person who walks upright. Allowing some one to abuse you is not condoned by the above religions no matter how some may try and say it is. A good way to deal with this is to not let it happen at all. Even if you have to honor that person by leaving them alone to think about there actions.

Answer 7

Has your mom asked for forgiveness? If she hasn't then she clearly doesn't want it. Jesus doesn't force forgiveness on people. He waits for them to ask. In a sense you do have to forgive but only in the sense of being able to put it behind you. Don't allow your mom to torment you.

When I was young I was abused by my step-father and my mom let it happen, till I ran away from home. I was caught by the police and had to explain why I ran away to them. When this happened my step-father went to jail, and my mother took me to a place where she knew I would not be found before he went to trial. Since I didn't show, he went scott free, then my mother abandon me so she could live with him again. It hurt like most will never know. But for the most part I forgave her just enough that I was able not to dwell on it. If your mom is truly sorry forgive her. It really stinks when you can't visit your Mom. I know, but if it stinks more being around her, put her in your past till she is ready to treat you with the respect you deserve.

Answer 8

I would say you do forgive but don't pick her up. If she says these cruel things to you don't be in her life. No where in the Bible does it say you need to put yourself in the line of fire. It does say to turn the other cheek. Well you have by not smacking her when she tells you these hurtful things. Pray for her, show her love by when you leave and don't have as much contact with her send her a card for her BIRTHday. Show as much love as you can without hurting yourself. Try not to compare yourself to your brother, you were made by God in his image too and are able to do whatever you want. I don't think hate in your heart will help.

Also if you were a strong believer you could command that demon that obviously has a hold on your mothers tongue to leave her in the name of Jesus. Let me tell you mothers who act like yours don't do it because they are mean people, emotional torture is one of the most difficult things to get over so in my line of faith it is a pretty powerful demon your dealing with.

Answer 9

What she is doing must be really hurting you, im sorry for your pain. I would suggest using your wisdom and staying away from her, just because she is your mother doesn't mean you have to be around her when she is hurting you. What you did for your brother was very kind and you sound like an intelligent person, so try and think about her suffering. people don't want to hurt others they just do it because they want others to feel the same pain they are feeling. i know it is crazy, but us humans are quite far out!! i hope you get the answer you are looking for and everything works out for you!!x

Answer 10

Well done for studying for Law. When you graduate, you will be able to rationalise with your mother! She has a problem by the sounds of it, and appears a little bit jealous, or maybe she is an inverted snob! They say we cannot choose our family but we can our friends. I am a Christian, and my advise is to carry on as normal, and hopefully Mum will be proud of you one day instead of venting her frustration out on you. Certainly she is not acting in a way that anyone should. Our thoughts are with you.