tell my daughter or not???

Question

My 8 year old daughter is from a relationship I had when I was 18. Her father and I didnt work out and after she turned 1 I left him. He has remained in her life and been a loving father. He was the type of dad to play in the snow and make jello in the bathtub. She adores her father. this last march, He brutally raped and murdered another little girl. He confessed to what he did and is now in prison for life. He never gave anyone any explanation. My daughter wants to know why her dad just disapeared. She thinks we dont care about him because we arent looking for him. I know this is hurting her, should I tell her what hes done or continue to let her feel abandoned and like she did something wrong?

Answer 1

She's too young to hear the real story, so what you could say is that her Dad got into some trouble, and had to go to jail for awhile.When she is old enough to understand, then you can tell her the whole story. Not telling her anything, is NOT the answer. Good Luck to you!

Answer 2

om my god. Well, she 8. So, I would tell her that he did go to prison, please don't go into detail as to why, that would be too much for her to handle. And knowing what her dad did compared to how he loved her, might confuse her. But, don't let her feel abandoned. Maybe saying that he did something wrong, and went to prison. Explain to her that she can't see him for awhile. When she gets a little older, 13 is a good age, then tell her the truth. Until then, it might be best to take him out of her life completely. No letters, no visits, nothing. I say this because I went through something similar. When I was 2 my dad went to prison for 5 years. (for stealing) He sent me things and yes, my mom did give them to me. When he got out, a few months later he molested my sister who was 4. Back to jail. I had no contact with him until I was 12. (He was out by then) I called him and talked to him. When I was 16 I spent the summer with him. He is a bad person, and did even worse things I had found out. He raped a 17 year old handicap girl when he was younger. I don't have anything to do with him now, it was best that I never did. Neither does my sister. Mom never gave her anything that he sent to her. Now, though, she is 13 and confussed about the whole thing. Probably later in life she will want to see him. For me, I couldn't care less. But as a mother, I think you should weigh the cons and pros. Ask your mom for advice, I'm sure you'll do the right thing for your daughter. Just love her unconditionally, and be there when she needs you. I'm so sorry that this happened to you and her. Best of luck, and all my support.
19/f

Answer 3

You know your daughter best, you know how much she can handle at her age. I think you should tell her an edited version of events; she doesn't need to know the gory details now. Assure her that her father's disappearance had NOTHING at all to do with her. Since he's in jail for the rest of his life, he needs to give his side of the story as well, again, an edited version. When she is older, and more mature, she can be given the whole story. She deserves the truth from both of you, and definitely from him.

If you know where he is imprisoned, write a letter to him explaining the situation, and have him write a letter back to her. Don't leave it to someone else or some other form of information to tell her, or she will never forgive you, or him. Good luck.

Answer 4

I would tell her the truth but without all the details. She will eventually find out as she gets older but its best you deaden the blow with the information.
This is a horrible story and my heart goes out to you and your daughter and I also can't help but think about that little girls family as well.
I cannot express how sorry I am to hear this and you must be beside yourself.
Give her extra hugs before she goes to bed. Treasure each and every moment with your daughter for their is a family that cannot no longer do that. Talk to your daughter about the dangers out there and then maybe you can include what her father did, gently. Just do be too graphic.
I wish you the best of everything.

Answer 5

I don't think you should go into much detail about it as at 8 she will not understand. Tell her that her dad loves her very much and that she has done nothing wrong what so ever. Maybe you could get her father to write her a letter, just telling her that she has done nothing wrong and he loves her. And then when she is more able to understand then tell her gently. It must be really hard though , maybe you could get some advice from a child psychologist or someone from that profession

Answer 6

wow! this is a tough one.i think that i would tell her that he is in jail. she is going to ask why, but i would not get into much details with her about this being she is only 8. you could just tell her that he hurt another person.no matter what he has done he will always be her father and one day she will find out the truth. you don't want her being mad at you for not telling her and for allowing her to feel that he just walked away from her. now what are you going to do when she ask to go and see him?? if she does, i think if i were you i would write him a letter in advance {if you plan on taking her} telling him that all you want her to know is that he hurt another person and ask him not to tell her any thing more than that.you could also tell him that if and when you take her to see him, and she ask him questions that he can just say that he can not talk about it or he will get in trouble. good luck. but do tell her.ps. you should tell her when she is older and you feel that she can understand a little better what he did.

Answer 7

You need to seek professional help from a counselor on how best to deal with this.and by the way are you sure he never touched your daughter? I was molested from an early age ( starting at about 2) and my stepdad when to jail but not for what he did to me but because he raped and one of my friends( she was 12) and got her pregnant. I remember hearing that when he went to court, he told my mother to not let me testify. He made everyone believe he said that because he wanted to protect me from the lawyers. He was just protecting his own ***! I never told anyone that he had been abusing me for years. I guess I was ashamed and was also trying to protect my mother ( she wasn't too bright) from the truth. Your daughter will need a lot of help, more than you can give her by yourself. I think she is too young to know the whole truth but she should know he is in jail because he did a bad thing NOT her! I don't think I would ever let her have contact with him again even supervised because those types of men are very manipulative and that makes them very,very dangerous. My stepdad had my mother so convinced he was a good man and that it was my girlsfriends fault, that my mother was angry at the poor child...and she had him move back in with us when he got out. Guess what? The first thing he did when we were alone one day was rape me! I wish I had told on him maybe my life would have been better. I always wonder what happened to my little friend, how her life turned out.

Answer 8

First of all, he confessed but did he really do it? You see, confessions are some times, lies. Take John Mark Carr, for example. He confessed to killing Jon Bennet Ramsey. But as it turned out, he wasn't the real killer.
Should you tell your daughter? Yes, because as you said, she adores her father,and he seems to care about her. Anyway, that's my point of view. Also, telling her, is n't the only thing you should do! And the best action for you to take, is to not procrastinate, at any time about doing anything.

Answer 9

You have to tell her that daddy did a very bad thing and he can't see her anymore. You have to stress to her that it is not her fault, but you do have to acknowledge that HE did something wrong. You don't have to get graphic, but you have to tell her something. Today, even 8 year old have a good grasp on right and wrong, and maybe she's old enough to sort it out. I hope it all works out for you, and I pray for your daughter as well as your ex's victim. At least your daughter has a chance to grow up.

Answer 10

Jesus well all i can say is pray about it and you i mean tell her she should understand but maybe by her being young still i dont know but she still needs to know what happend to her father you know but even if he is her father i wouldnt want her being around her anymore because if he did what he did which is a crazy bastard (sorry) but its the truth he could do it to your little gurl come on now think the facts