My mother is apologising, but I'm not ready to accept that, what do I do?

Question

My mother has just sent me this text:

"Would you please accept my biggest apology for all that I've done to upset & offend you & could we just put our differences behind us?"

It is unusual for her to apologise as she is a person who is not always right but is never wrong.

The thing is,I'm not quite ready to forgive her yet & her message sounds like she doesn't realise what she's done to upset me.After all that's gone on she still won't acknowledge these things & so I feel like it isn't a real apology.

I'm too mad at her to really want to speak to her & recently she's taken to blaming my dad (they have been divorced for 13 years & I now live with my dad) & being really nasty to him because I'm not speaking to her,even though I made this decision & it was completely my choice.

She turns everything around to be everyone elses fault but hers.I know she's my mother but I don't agree that just because of this I should forgive her.

So what do I do?Forgive her or not?And why?

I have done previous posts on the subject of my mother if it would help to read to get an idea.

dzadza - Its because I don't believe in God.

horsecrazy - trust me, I'll still be mad. SHe stayed with an abusive husband for 12 years that started beating the crap out of me, I think I'll remember that for the rest of my life.

Answer 1

I don't like these type of "apologies" myself for the same reason you state, that they don't appear to be sincere, especially given prior conduct by the one apologizing. She doesn't go into any specifics, so she is in no way acknowledging the acts of wrongdoing on her part. If she doesn't specify the things she's apologizing for, then what's to keep her from doing them again in the future and claiming ignorance that she ever thought they were wrong. "Oh, that's not what I was talking about when I apologized."

Also, she texted you. What kind of apology is that, as well? How impersonal can she get? Talk to you on the phone if she can't do it in person, or send you flowers or something with the apology.

I will admit that your mom might be too embarrassed about the things she had done to go into any details concerning them in an apology. But the thing about an apology is that a person should feel embarrassment and shame when giving it. It should cause them discomfort to give it if they are sincerely sorry.

My mother divorced my dad when I was five and I and my siblings had to live with her. She treated us badly a lot of the time and wouldn't acknowledge it, always making up some kind of an excuse to justify her behaviour. She tried to give me the generalized apology your mom is giving you. I accepted it and she continued to behave the same way she always had after a short time had passed. Years later she tried to apologize the same way again. Since she wouldn't state the things she did to hurt me, I did, making her listen to them and why doing them to me harmed me so much. She cried afterward and acknowledge that she had done those things and apologized for it. I felt that time she meant it, and she seemed to because she always tried not to behave badly towards me again.

Edit: Some of the things my mother used to do to me and my siblings was to beat us severely just because, no reason other than that. And she would feed us poorly, close to starving, while she would pork down on some nice meals and gain a lot of weight. She would berate us constantly, even though we always got exceptional grades, and all of us worked since we were little kids, yet the money we made usually went to her rather than ourselves.

Answer 2

Well here is the thing, as long as you don't forgive her you are just hurting yourself. You can forgive her and still be mad. When you hold onto something like this (however wrong it may be) it will make you bitter. Maybe it hasn't yet but over time it will. You just have to acknowledge that she is human too, and try to understand why she did.does the things she did/does.

I know that is hard. Best thing to do it to tell her, I accept your apology and I forgiven you. However, you cannot expect things to go back to normal. There are consequences for peoples actions and one of the consequences for the things you have done is me being upset at you. I choose to forgive you in order to help me be a better person. Please know that I am still mad, and we probably wont be talking much. IT will take a lot for us to get back to having (or even starting to have) a relationship.

Believe me, she will respect you when she hears this. It might not be immediately but over time it will sink in. It will show her that you are the bigger person.

Answer 3

If she does no longer say dont stress her basically look ahead to some and then repeat the apology . make useful she isn't accepting your mistake as a results of fact she needs you to advance and basically be useful you do no longer repeat the blunders returned . you're a element of her physique as a results of fact she has reared you in her womb for 9 months and delivered all the rigors without complaining so definately can consult from her rudely it quite is ideal for yet incorrect for the different person .If she does no longer wanna her thn it quite is okay as a results of fact she is a basically unhappy and offended and she or he could take time to take heed to to your apology . in case you're sturdy at craft then make her a sorry card and write sturdy sorry message and save it close to the placement in the domicile the place she visits the main . i

Answer 4

Anna :

I know exactly where your comming from.Yes, do forgive her ,because she's not only your mother, but you will never be happy yourself if you stay angry at her.....

It maybe good to write a letter from the heart, explaining why she made you so angry. Just to get it out and express yourself without getting upset.

It maybe wiser to realize your mother may never change her behavior. She may never want to realize her own personal baggage ( she never sorted) and of course she will blame you for it. Not to say this is right, but since your her daughter , she feels she may have a "right" to blame you. It happens to many "daughters."

So you just think about yourself, and become independent from her. It's good you don't live with her .

As they say " Love them from a distance."

Your experience helps you become a stronger person inside...

Answer 5

Hi Anna,

I've scanned a few of your other posts and it seems you've got a long-term problem here. Instead of me asking you what you think the real problem is, I'm going to ask you this:

What do you want to happen? Is there a magic number of times she'll have to apologize before you forgive her? Is there something she needs to do?

Please don't get defensive about what I'm going to write here. I have my own demons that I've been grappling with for the last 10 years or so. I feel everyone who answers you will have something of value to say.. what you do with it will be up to you.

Obviously something very serious has made you angry and I can't help sensing that you are trying to punish your mother for something. That's not necessarily wrong .. maybe there is something she needs to apologize for. Maybe that's what she's trying to do.

But if punishment is the name of the game, you have to know when the punishment ends. If you don't, then you need to figure it out, because you're not just punishing your mom... you're punishing yourself as well by keeping alive the anger that's inside of you.

In my own case, I know that the best thing I can do is forgive the person who hurt me. But I can't. I hang onto the demons because I understand them and they make me feel as though some of the decisions I've made in my life are justified. I can trace amazing amounts of decisions and actions back to one single episode in my life. I use it as a safety net, a way to rationalize who I am.

But Anna, I'm not happy about it. I know that I've missed a lot because of my decision to hang onto my anger. And I also know that if the person who caused me this anguish dies before I can reconcile the whole situation, I may have put myself in a position to live with regrets that I can't ever make right.

And so I think that may be the decision you need to face. There is no wrong answer ... what you decide is what you decide. But when you make that choice, be fair to your mom. Tell her as much as you can about the choice you've made.

And if you're angry about some choices she's made in her own life, I can only offer this: you don't have to like the decisions your mom makes, but you do have to accept her right to make them.

And I would say the same thing to a parent who challenges the choices their adult child makes. They don't have to like it. But they do have to respect your right to make that choice.

So... what do you want to happen? Once you figure that out, have an honest and open dialogue with her in a neutral place (not your house, not hers). Go with the intent of resolving any one thing. And if you can accomplish that, then you've given yourself the foundation for healing.

Good luck, Anna...
I hope you'll let us know how it turns out, but most of all, I hope you find the courage to take that first step.

Answer 6

Life is to short to not forgive..........How would you feel if some tragic accident happened and the last memory you have with your Mom was this CRAP. In a few days or weeks you won't even remember why you were mad. It doesn't matter what it is forgive her. She Loves you.

Answer 7

you can forgive her, but doesn't mean you guys have to go back to being close and all--if you were close in the first place. sometimes, people make it seem like its bad to not give back the relationship that once was. the truth is, its hard, and you shouldn't force yourself into it. if you're not ready to forgive, just tell her you're not. give you some time to heal. if she's going to force you, it'll make it worse. maybe you shouldn't be around her much until you finally feel ready. sometimes, the best way to heal is to not have much of that person around. i've been through many hurtful situations, and the solution to forgiving those who hurt me was staying away from them until i was ready to forgive. you don't have to force yourself into it. or if you can find it in your heart to forgive, just do so, but it doesn't mean you have to have a close relationship immediately. i hope this helps.

Answer 8

well i was going to say dont answer the phone but looks like she already thought of that, just deleate the text and sit on it for as long as you need, remember though you've only got one mother regardless of what's happend, and heaven forbid she or you could go tommrow, would you really want things to end that way? basically what im saying is try to get over what ever it was cause the sooner you do that the happier you will be.

Answer 9

Do it when you're ready. Me and my mother have a shaky relationship of which a good amount is her fault and if she were to forgive me now, I would not accept. Maybe someday down the road but not today.

Answer 10

Life is too short to hold grudges.
God forbid, that If something were to happen to her you would never forgive yourself. Be a the big person, get over it and forgive her.