My fiance and I come from different cultures. His family are Hungarian immigrants and mine are American. I was taught that its not acceptable to simply "cop out" with "Im sorry" because you need to correct your behavior instead of offer an excuse. His family taught him that you say I'm sorry, kiss the person your fighting with on the head and go on about it. Repeat this over and over, even if the behavior is not corrected. We have different parenting beliefs. I've worked in childcare for years and we were taught to not allow the children to simply cop out with I'm sorry, but to let the other child who hurt you know you have hurt them. I'm from a conservative, moderately strict and very realistic family. I plan to keep these traits. He won't let me. He wants me to "butt out" of MY child's life when he's making them say I'm sorry.
2006-12-02 06:49:43 · 16 answers · asked by KelBean 4 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
I am with you 100%. I think what your fiance is proposing is just a disaster.
If they do something wrong to me, or the family, I think a sincere apology is nice. They are going to be punished regardless. Likewise if it is outside the family. Depending on the incident an apology is nice--but I make the decision on whether a punishment is also necessary--and the fact that an apology was made is a non-factor.
I do teach them about the importance of apologizing for mistakes--it is just not a substitue for taking responsibility and incurring consequences for bad behavior.
In fact, the most sincere apologies I have seen from my kids have happened after they have FIRST gotten a spanking. These seem much more sincere and meaningful than the ones I sometimes hear in an effort to head off the paddling: "But Mom I said I was sorry", But Mom I am real sorry.." and etc, I remeber one in partiuclar. My daughter and I had been going on and on about her "forgetting" to make her bed. After repeatedly discussing it and repeated empty promises she got paddled. The next day I got a homemade card telling how sorry she was for lying, not taking responsibility, arguing, etc. ...that she deserved to be punished..and loved me very much. It made me cry. And that has never been an issue again.
2006-12-02 07:05:51 · answer #1 · answered by beckychr007 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't know if this will help you; however this is what my husband and I have decided to do, because he feels the same way you do and I like your fiance. We taught our six year old to say "I'm sorry" for the first offense, explain why he is sorry and explain how he can make it right. Then after that, show us or the other person that he knows of what he is saying. On the second offense or any thereafter; we simply don't accept "I'm sorry" and offer him a choice... corner, or make it right. Now if the actions continue we simply take the choice away and place him in the corner, asking every so often why he is in there and depending on the answer (correct or six year old gibberish) he can get out, apologize and then correct. It has seemed to work thus far and makes us both happy, I get the satisfaction of the "I'm sorry" and hugs and my husband gets his satisfaction of actions are stronger than words.
2006-12-02 07:01:41 · answer #2 · answered by jillifly 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it's important to apologize, and for that I agree with your fiance. But, apologizing when you don't mean it doesn't do any good-- it just make the apology routine and, after a while, it's the excuse to to get out of the confrontation.
I do like the idea of telling the other person that they've been hurt. However, that won't go over well with little children, and sometimes isn't a fan of adults. Besides, an apology is good for both sides, as long as it's not overused.
I'd settle for something in the middle-- tell your child to apologize as long as they mean it, and work on telling them their feelings young, although it may not be put into practice for a few more years.
2006-12-02 07:03:03 · answer #3 · answered by Mandi 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yeah I agree. the word Sorry gets taken for granted at times. Kids think that because they have said sorry that everything is A okay again! NOT!!! I do think its good to tell the other child what you are sorry for and an adult should be talking to the the child and letting them know why an apology is needed etc.....The word sorry does not make the hurt go away that someone may cause, and if the child does not learn that now, they will use the word sorry to there advantage as much as they can when they get older!
2006-12-02 07:26:11 · answer #4 · answered by BOOTS! 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you two need to meet in the middle. Both are good skills for a child to have.
When you get angry and know you're doing wrong, sometimes its best to go to the person you're fighting with, say your sorry, kiss them, and go calm down. Then the fighting can stop until youre able to look at it with a level head.
With that comes your side of the battle, where the follow through must be seen. You dont just simply say your sorry and walk away, the issue still has to be resolved before the conflict can be ended. While cooling off and saying your sorry is needed, coming back later and discussing the issue and working through it is important.
These are the things you're trying to teach your child, so that as an adult it can have productive healthy relationships.
I can tell right now that you fight with your husband about the same issues over and over and over from as many different angles as possible. Good things that should be discussed and delt with arent resolved because you end up fighting over them, and he simply apologizes, pretends to make up, and leaves it at that, until the can of worms is opened again. The issues are never delt with and resolved, and so you keep seeing them, bringing them up, and the fight picks up again a few months down the line.
My husband and i do the same thing, because he tends to act like your husband. Apologizing for his behvaior and making up to him, is the same as dealing with it. Where as I know that the issue that caused the problem has never been acknowledged by him.
You dont want that for your child.
Sit your husband down, explain to him that you're not going to argue over this topic, both of you are right, and both of you need to put these skills to their proper use. Issues need to be resolved, and apologies need to be given. You cant have one without the other.
Your husband needs to see that.
2006-12-02 07:03:37 · answer #5 · answered by amosunknown 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In his culture he may also be the man of the house, and final decisions are left to him, that's probably why he's doing the make you "butt out" thing. I come from a culture where me "supposedly" rule. I agree with both of you. You can do both, kiss and forget, and make sure the child understands why they got in trouble, why it's not ok, and then let it go. It's about who's right all the time, and his attitude may not be a personal attack against you, but just something you need to work on together.
2006-12-02 06:57:41 · answer #6 · answered by Brandnewshoes 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
However you bring up the children needs both of you to reach agreement NOW. This will get worse as the children get older. Saying 'sorry' need not mean the one who has hurt is truly regrets some action but is just necessary to move on. Kissing someone repeatedly is exactly the same. The child who has done wrong needs to know why he or she is being reprimanded and address needs to be made but, as parents, YOU must agree what this will be.
2006-12-02 08:02:53 · answer #7 · answered by Ross 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with you, I am sorry are just words Have taught my daughter that action is what counts. And if she does feel compelled to apologize (not I am sorry) but verbally express regret and sorrow for her actions to another, to take a minute to contemplate what she has done, and give the other person a chance to step back from what ever the situation is, then make things right with words and actions.
2006-12-02 07:51:31 · answer #8 · answered by dancinintherain 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you are both right. Yes, you should make your children apologize for unacceptable behavior. But you must also work or curving that behavior, and teach them WHY they had to say sorry.
2006-12-02 06:53:30 · answer #9 · answered by smellyfoot ™ 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sorry is different from asking forgiveness. Maybe this is the same to him, I think he thinks it is and you don't.
To me that's a religious difference. Maybe there, sorry includes asking for forgiveness. Also Hungarian is a language that rivals English for complexity and meaning. Ask him whether I'm right. You guys need to talk.
2006-12-02 06:56:56 · answer #10 · answered by bluasakura 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋