how can i nicely tell someone to shut there mouth?

Question

i asked a question like this a while back and tried all the answers but yet it still is going on. I am 21 years old a mom of 2.My grandma comes up to vist each sat. well She is the type of person she has to know everything about what is going on in your life so she can go tell everyone. She hates my boyfriend who works and helps me clean the house. As soon as she comes into my house she heads for ny childrens room to see if they are clean. She tries to snoop every wheres . When you are driving with her is the worst. She will call people in other car names and yell and scream. i have told her several times i dont want to here about other people i dont know or my uncle and aunt who basicly have nothing to do with. She still continues to do so.I have told her how i felt it goes in one ear and out the other. It is getting to be a real big problem. She also told my 4 year old daughter that she is going to tell santa that she don't mind she don't pick her mess up and she screams and for

santa not to bring her nothing and my daughter is totally scared of that now. I told her that she had no right doing that and she goes so. It took me almost 3 hrs to explain to my daughter santa was comming. It is getting to be a real big problem.

Answer 1

family is family, and abusive personalities are abusive. You need to draw the line.

If she wants to continue on with an abusive attitude towards you and your family, then she can do it from her own home, and not from yours.

You're not obligated to spend time with people who harm you, even if that harm is only emotional. Especially not when that harm is directed at your children and the life you try to provide them.

You need to kindly remind your grandmother that you love her and you will always be there for her, but that you cannot let her be part of your life if this is how she's going to continue behaving.

Just like you wouldnt tolerate that bahavior in a child, you also dont put up with it in other adults. While you cannot train her and punish her like a child, you can remove her from the situation.

Part of being a parent it having to make hard choices like this. You want to keep the lines of communication open with her, and encourage her to be part of your life, but only if she's willing to see the fault in herself, and work towards being more loving.

When she comes over next time, remind her a few days in advance. You love her, you want her to be part of your life and the kids' lives, but that you cannot allow her to be around if she's going to continue with this destructive behavior. She can either keep her mouth shut and act like you're an adult who makes good choices, or she can stay home and you'll conduct your relationship over the phone.

Keep her visists short, or better yet, change them so you have more control. Go to her house and visit for a few minutes or an hour. And then leave. If she insists on coming over, let her know that you need her out of the house in a couple hours, not whenever she feels like leaving.

If you have to, send the kids out for the day and let her come over by herself.

I have a father in law who is like this, and everyone says he doesnt mean harm, and he;s just set in his ways. I put up with it for a couple years, and then i starting drawing lines.

It was really hard for a long time, and he was convinced I hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. BUt eventually after much convincing on my part, and sticking to my guns, he realized that we're married adults and he has no say or right to our lives.

Be firm, but always love her. loving her doesnt mean putting up with abuse.

Answer 2

I looked over the other answers before I set out to compose mine. While the other folks are trying to help, I think that the following should be considered:

She's your Grandmother. While this is "family" it's not as though she were only one generation removed, so you do have the option of just cutting her out of the picture, which would be a much harder decision to make if she were your, or your guy's, mother. So you DO have this as a fall back position if all else fails.

From what you say, I don't think you will have much success in talking to her, but rather than concluding that she's "set in her ways", has anyone considered the possibility that she is a victim of Alzheimer's? All the things you say she does are classic patterns for someone in early to middle stage A.D. Only a doctor can make this diagnosis, and if that is indeed the case, there are medications which can alleviate the problem behavior, and also make her discomfort less. (If she does have AD she does suffer, believe me. I've seen it firsthand on more than one occasion)

If your parents are alive, or your uncles/aunts are her children, they'd be the appropriate people to help your grandmother deal with this. If they are unwilling you or your siblings would be next in line. If nobody is able to do this, or if Alzheimer's is ruled out medically, then I feel you must cut off contact------You and your family need to be your main concern.

Answer 3

Well, I'm not sure if not even allowing her to enter your home would be an option (although, that would be my first choice if I were in your shoes) If you have to allow her inside, since you know she's going to bee-line to the kids room, make sure there would be nothng out of place that would give her a reason to "have a fit".
Of course there are aspects of your private life that do not need to be aired in public, hell, that's why it's called a private life, so when she starts asking about everything, pick and choose what questions you will answer, for example, she wants to know about the kids, they're doing great, if they are school aged, brag about how well they are doing in school. When she asks something you feel is inappropriate, straight out tell her it is none of her business, just be sure to stand your ground, becuase she is not going to just let it go right away.
You didn't say how old your grandmother is, or if she has always been this way. Also, does she seem to forget a lot of things? (Not things that happened a long time ago, but recent things) If so, you and other family members should consider making her get a medical check-up. My grandfather began acting the way you say your grandmother is--turned out he was in the beginning stages of Alzheimers.

Answer 4

Your grandmother's behavior will have a lasting and negative impression on your children (especially her snooping around and yelling at people in other cars). Tell her that you will never invite her over to your house again if she continues with such displays. It seems harsh, but if your warnings have gone in one ear and out the other so far, then she is NOT taking you seriously as an adult and as a mother. It's really a shame that some senior citizens feel it is their right to push people around with their overbearingness because of the fact that they are simply 'older'. Puleez! Times change, people change, everything evolves with time. What was fine in her day is more than likely unacceptable in ours, ie, beating kids silly for doing something wrong etc.

HTH!

Answer 5

I have had this same problem with my father, I know that this may sound kinda of harsh but I havent spoken to my father in months now and I am much happier now that I have put my foot down I explained to him that when he is able to control his mouth and his temper is when I will let him see my son again. Its going on 4 months now and he hasnt called or anything. I dont want my son growing up thinking that it is okay to be angry all the time or disrespectful to people. If you have tried to be as polite as possible maybe tell her everything bluntly and if she continues to act the way she does tell her she isnt allowed to be around the children till she can be polite and respectful. My father hates my fiancee who helps me pay bills and watches my son for me when I go to work (my son isnt his it's my exhusbands), he is an awesome man and my father seems to think that anyone I choose is terrible. If you ever want to talk you can im me at lakebaby02.

Answer 6

People only treat you the way you let them.

Make a list of rules, and stick to them. And if she breaks them, ask her to leave and tell her she isn't invited back the next week either. If this doesn't solve the problem then do not allow her around until she decides to behave.

I did this with my mom, and sooner or later I am going to do it with FIL. I will run out of patience waiting for my hubby to talk to him, but for right now the racism and sexism isn't a big problem as my 9 month old doesn't know what he is talking about.

Answer 7

I don't think you can tell her nicely. You would have to be blunt - tell her exactly how she makes you feel and what you want her to change. What have you got to lose? She's ignored you before, she'll probably do it again, and it's not like she can force herself into your life if you decide she doesn't have a place in it because she disrespects you.

If she ignores you, I suggest you tell her you'd love to stay in touch but Saturday visits don't work for you anymore, and offer to go out with just her and you for lunch and leave the child with your boyfriend. If she refuses and tries to come over anyway, arrange to be out and about when she comes. You've gotta take back control from this woman.

Answer 8

▒ On Saturday bundle up the children and head for a day at the park or somewhere else. If that doesn’t work remind her of the old saying “if you can’t say something nice then don’t say anything at all”. If she still keeps it up tell her not to come over any more because she is a bad influence on your kids. I know you don’t want to hurt her feelings but you must think of the kids first, they are your responsibility.

Answer 9

Unfortunately you need to tell her that if she can not listen to you and understand how upset she makes you that she is not allowed in your home. I know it is hard for a granddaughter to say something like that to your grandmother, but she is now hurting your daughter with her words. It is your home and how you raise your daughter is up to you. She has no right to judge you or your boyfriend in your own home. It is you that has to put your foot down, you are not being mean you are being protective of your home and family. I wish you the best of luck, and you are in my prayers.

Answer 10

Explain to her if she is not going to respect the rules of your home and respect you not only as a person but as a mother as well, she will no longer be welcomed in your life. Be tough with her since speaking to her doesn't seem to be working. Give her the choice. It puts the ball in her court and leaves you guilt free.