Why do you feel changing behaviors is so difficult? Is there a selfish component, or is it all learned?

Question

Most behaviors which cause us "personal" problems, also keep us isolated and/or prevent us from giving more to others. Of course, behavior is ingrained due to learning, and continual use. But do you feel that certain behaviors such as addictions, avoidance, social fears, ect, are rooted in selfishness? Often it's not intentional, and this "selfishness" may be caused by past abuse, abandonment, ect, but is it possible, the foundation of the problem, is our inability to see beyond our own pain and needs?

Or do you feel there are other reasons which prevent us from changing negative behaviors? Many people say these are defense mechanisms, ways of coping, ect. And this all may be true, but isn't that still complete preoccupation with self? We can only behave based on our level of maturity, and we can only change after we've matured, so this question is not to blame anyone, just to get all of your thoughts. These are questions that have come up on my journey of growth.

Answer 1

Either some people don't know any better than to be completely self-absorbed, or they are getting some kinf of payoff from it.

For example, an obese person who wishes to be thin, gets the payoff of not making any effort, because they don;t have to sweat or replace their addiction to food with another healthier habit. But they don't get thin, either.

Another example, a man shows off all of his status symbols, and wonders why he only attracts golddiggers. He might not be aware that he could act more modest and humble, and focus on what is important to their date, rather then assuming that all women are attracted to status symbols. He just might not realize that that's what he's doing.

I think it all comes down to a choice. Our childhood experiences and family dynamics shape up until we are old enough to unserstand things. When we get to that point, we could choose to accept alternative perspectives or not. If we don't, it will be our own fault if we self-destruct. If we are smart, then we accept that there is another, potentially better way then our own, and if we go so far as to try it, we might succeed.

For example, if a child is rewarded with food and goodies for performance, comforted with food for failure, and family gatherings are centered around meals and food, then they will grow up overweight or obese. When they mature into adult understanding, they can choose to change that pattern or choose th continue it. They will only change it if they wish to be different, realize that there are other ways to live, and make effort to be different or even ask for help being different.
Self-preservation makes us think we are right, justified, and our views are correct. It sometimes makes us stubbornly refuse to admit that we may not be right, or that someone else is actually right. It can hinder our ability to relate to others, understand others, and make an honest effort to change something about ourselves, especially a bad habit.

I think it is counter-productive to blame our problems on the baggage we carry from our past. Understanding and overcoming our self-preservation is the way to empowerourselves to change self-destructive behaviors. It doesn't have as much to do with maturity as it does with having an inderstanding of the concept.

When we have an understanding of something, we have given ourselves choices. What we do from there is all up to us.

Think about and try to understand these things:

-whether you think you will succeed or not, you will be right.
-'I can't' usually means 'I am not willing to'
-90% of the obstacles we face are the ones we put there
-each problem or obstacle presents 3 opportunities (to learn, improve, and oversome something)
-perception does not equal intent
-baggage acts like a fliter that distorts reality
-self-esteem is grown from the effort we make to try
-all bad habits are based on displaced anxiety
-we live what we learn as children, we choose what we live as adults
-control gives us comfort, but all we need to control is our behavior, not our emotions
-we choose how to feel, and we choose how to behave based on how we feel about ourselves
-selfishness is the lack of motivation to care about someone else's needs, narcissism is the complete inability to.
-empathy is the singlemost attractive and valuable human quality, and it empowers us to connect with others
-we are all the smartest, we are all right, justified, blameless, our views are correct, our priorities are most important, and we are the heroes in our own movie. That's called self-preservation.
-not everyone thinks just like we do

When we can understand these things, we are more empowered to handle ourselves with dignity and respect. We realize how much power we have in our lives and how many choices we have. We learn that we are the ones to hold accountable, and that is our responsibility.

Answer 2

We fear change, plain and simple. Even though the way we do things might not be getting us what we would like, we resist changing our behavior because there is a sense of comfort with it. Taking risks and trying new things causes anxiety and when we already feel vulnerable, we tend to not want to take those risks.

Self-confidence and a sense of independence helps us to try new things without the approval or support of others. This is often necessary to grow as individuals and break these cycles. Unfortunately, most people fail to do this, leading to long-term problems and unhappiness.

There is a great book that covers a lot of these concepts and gives some tools you can use right away to begin attacking these problems. It is called:

When Panic Attacks by David D. Burns, M.D.

It is NOT just about panic or anxiety, but covers mood in general and personal positive change. It is inexpensive and excellent. I highly recommend it for anyone looking to improve how they feel about themselves and make positive changes in their life.

Best of luck!

Answer 3

In my opinion, it all comes down to pain. Nobody changes unless they have had enough pain. If you are fat you wont do any thing about it until you are 100% tired of it, if you are alcoholic you wont change until you are 100% whipped, if you have a stomach ache you wont fix it until you cant stand it any more, ect. ect