I had my son at 16. My mom and grandma did most of the raising. Raising being no restrictions on him at all...Letting him run free, doing whatever he wants to. Now I that I have moved out and in with my fiance. We have to deal with this "I don't have to because my grandma or my GG says so". Warnings do not work, Spanking does not work, sitting down and talking does not work, timeouts do not work. He can be very aggressive when he gets upset. He has gotten into the habit of lying. Like he'll spill his drink and instead of telling someone or trying to clean it up...he tries to hide it...he blames others for the things he does. And, I just do not know what to do with him. My fiance and I have thought about the possiblility of him having some form of ADHD...I really wouldn't want to get him tested and then him be labled and have to be on meds forever...I want to try to resolve this problem myself before resorting to medical help. I am also due to have a baby in about 5 weeks..Please Help.
2006-12-02 04:21:52 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
More details about my son...He has a serious video game problem....He is only allowed to play non-violent games...Like on his V-Smile game that has educational game....but he will pretend that the people in his game hits...when they are not hitting...He is too smart for his own good...I know one problem with him...is that he is not in school...His birthday was past the cut off date to attend kindergarten this school year..He's not in pre-school because, I do not see the point in taking time to get him, me, and soon a newborn ready...just to take him to school for 3 hours and have to pick him up again...Everyone thinks he will calm down when the baby is born...which he is pretty gentle with babies...but who knows...for a 5 yr old he is very manipulative...Not sure where he learns it from...
2006-12-02 04:39:27 · update #1
Oh and also...he is out of control with his GG also...but not always...my mother has since gotten married and moved to another town...We all think she might smoke weed now...and she'll promise to take him somewhere and then doesn't...so Grandma is not really involved in his life right now...My fiance has been his father figure since he was 9 months old..he's meet his real father but didnt seem very impressed...and is not allowed to be around him...since he has a drug problem..The only person that is good with my son is my sister...she stays calm with him....but I cannot do that...he starts anything with me it sparks an instant imgrane...and I just want him to go away...and for all of you with the duct tape answers lol...true duct tape fixes everything...but my son would find a way out of it..and I have tried making a dailey routine ...but it is really hard to stick to....I do not give all my attention to my fiance..he is at work all day...so it is just my son and I together all day...
2006-12-02 04:52:13 · update #2
He needs a lot of love. He also needs a lot or rules, structure, discipline and responsibility (backed up by consistent reasonable, but meaningful, punishment). I would not assume the ADHD thing. I am sure that exists--but these days we blame everything on it.
Give him a lot of support. But start having some real expectations and then enforcing them. I personally think spanking is the best way by far to do this--but I know many equally strongly disagree--but the point is there must be REAL enforcement).
If this does not work then try the counseling, etc. route.
2006-12-02 06:52:45 · answer #1 · answered by beckychr007 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Forget the spanking, and every time he starts with the Grandma and GG stuff, he gets punished. I agree with immobilizing him, although there may be legal things involved there if you use duct tape. What my folks did when I was bad was hang me from a door knob by my belt or collar, believe me that works. If you don't have access to that type of thing, I agree with the person that said take away all his things and make him earn them back. Institute a discipline program. Please and Thank you are musts, choirs like making his bed, cleaning up if he makes a mess. I doubt he has adhd, or any other problem except being spoiled by your parents. Make him take a nightly bath, (don't drown him tempting though it may be) say prayers, etc. It is going to take lots of time and effort by both of you. And don't let him tell you fiance that he cannot do any punishments because he is not his dad. Make sure that he knows right away that it is not going to work that way. Be sure to lock his things up so he cannot get them. He will learn. Make him go to school, or pre school if you can and make sure he behaves like he is suppose to. Good luck with your baby, and don't let him be alone with the baby at any time until he can be trusted again, because in a 5 year old mind, he will see that as a way of getting back at you.
2006-12-02 12:37:48 · answer #2 · answered by redhotboxsoxfan 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First, get this book:
"Ritalin is not the Answer" by David B. Stein PhD
Get the "Action Guide" as well that is a companion to this book. Follow every guideline in his book....to a tee. This actually works.
Second: Put your son on a schedule. He should be doing everything at the same time every day. This will help. Consistency in all things is key.
Third: Be consistent. When you say something DO it. Don't give warnings. Don't count to 3. Just DO what you say you will. He knows what he is doing and is using it to push you. Show him who is the adult...no arguing with him and no compromises. When he says "grandma says I can" or whatever tell him that the rules at Grandma's are different than yours and when he is with you he WILL follow YOUR rules.
Finally, go get a sitter and have a lunch with Grandma and Great-Grandma. Tell them that things have to change. You know they love your son, but he is unruly and needs a firm hand. Let them know that you will not be able to bring him over for visits as often or allow them to be alone with him if they do not support your rules. They cannot continue to undermine your authority. You must stand up for yourself as a parent. YOU are the mom...you have the final say. If they are irresponsible when it comes to your son then you need to put your foot down and say "NO."
Good luck!
2006-12-02 12:38:48 · answer #3 · answered by dancing_in_the_hail 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Set boundaries- if he crosses the line discipline always be there
for discipline- my kids are all different- some respond to spankings but some do not, for those I had to find something they liked that they lost privileges for a while. when my first daughter crossed the boundary, she was not allowed to watch Disney movies the next day- if she had a second offense before that day was over, no movies for 3 days, then a week and so on. It didn't take her long to figure out we were serious about her not following the rules.
I cant help but think your son is seeking attention. he was taken away from his primary care givers and now sees you paying a bunch of attention to your fiance. Maybe you need to make some special time for him and just him..
2006-12-02 12:35:05 · answer #4 · answered by MrWiz 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The violence tends to mean something...my son was like that too but when he went into kindergarden he had many violent episodes and hit the teachers and injured classmates. Moving him away from his grandparents might be as tramatic for him, and may have triggered the behavior to surface.
My son's doctor is careful not to label him something until we have more information about what the condition is, and you should be careful about that. But at the same time, if your son does have a medical condition, then he should get the help he needs.
By contrast, my daughter was even more willful and didn't want to do chores or help out with things either, but she responded to the normal discipline tactics.
2006-12-02 12:34:22 · answer #5 · answered by ♫ giD∑■η ♫ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really doubt that ADHD is the real problem. He has not had any leadership in his life. By you starting now to hold him accountable for his actions, it will pay off.
Take away the things he likes when he misbehaves. Lying earns no TV tonight, then stick with the punishment---Don't give in or he wins and you lose. He'll never have a reason to follow the rules.
Give his specific duties around the house, like setting table before dinner. By giving him age-related chores to do he wil feel like his is growing up.
Many parents threaten punishment for actions or in-actions but do not follow through until it gets really bad and then they spank the kid too hard. It is no fun punishing the kid, but your duty is not to be their friend; your duty is to make them turn into a successful adult. It is not too late.
It is important that kids learn to follow the rules of society. The jails and prisons are full of people that were not taught that as kids. Good Luck!
2006-12-02 12:42:37 · answer #6 · answered by jpbofohio 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Time, that is all you can do. It will take time for him to learn that YOU are the MOM. I would make visits to the grandparents less. I would tell him that you are the mom. Be constant in your rules and punishments. He will test them over and over again. ADHD is not a road you should venture down until he is at least in 3rd grade. Also talk with your parents and let them know that YOU need THEM to follow your rules at all times during visits if not then visits will have to be short and sweet until you get a handle on things. It's going to be a long hard road but the reward will be great. Good luck...stay consistant and lots of loves. Rember to reward good behavior as well.
2006-12-02 12:28:26 · answer #7 · answered by ccdispatch911 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Remind him that while grandma or GG was the boss at their house YOU are the boss at your house and he will need to listen to you. Keep in mind that grandma and GG did the best they could with what they had, blame isn't going to change anything now. The behaviours you are seeing did not start overnight and they are not going to be fixed over night. Your son is going through a big change and is going to take some time to adjust. Remind him often that you love him and are going to be there for him, he is going to test this often. Make sure you take time for yourself so you can be at your best for him. Acknowledge his feelings of anger, fear, ect. while continuing to make him accountable for his actions, cleaning up after his spills and remind him that even if it was an accident he still has to clean up. Even grown ups make mistakes sometimes and they have to clean up after themselves, model this for him. Reinforce Safety, if the rules are there to keep him safe it will make more sense than if they are just there arbitrarily.
2006-12-02 12:49:05 · answer #8 · answered by Robin 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have what you call an 'out-of-control' son and you're already working on another bundle of trouble. It seems to me that you owe your son, whom you did not raise at all, a lot of hugs and kisses and lot of responsible parenting. You need to make him feel special. I don't mean to be insulting but you sound extremely immature and that's the reason you'r son doesn't see you as a mother figure. Show him you care by placing him first, not your boyfriend or your own gratification.
Incidentally, don't expect a five year old to be understanding because you're having another baby. He's still a baby, himself.
2006-12-03 05:55:46 · answer #9 · answered by pepper 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He doesnt have ADHD he has grandma spoilage. Just flat out tell him grandma is not here and you will mind me. As far as the lying about things well lots of kids do this because they dont want to get in trouble. Try not yelling at him when he spills and such as that is just childish mistakes. Worry about out right disobedience. When he tells you about grandma just remind him that she's not here and he has to mind you. Blaming others is not too nice and other children will teach him not to do that anymore.
2006-12-02 12:27:20 · answer #10 · answered by elaeblue 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋