Sister in law has too much influence.?

Question

Sister in law is best friends with her sister(my wife). Sister in law has too much influence but wife denies & denies she is in competition with her sis. Sis puts her needs above our needs at our expense. ie: sister is buying a 450K house... so we should build NEXT door to her so my wife can spend more time with her sis and nose into our business. Sister in law wanted to go skiing in CO in 05" but I did not...she convinces my wife, parents, etc to go for x-mas...we end up going b/c I do not want to be viewed as the jerk. Sister in law has two small kids and is pushing us to let our 10 wk old spend more time with her and her husband. I am a stay home dad doing a home business. Sister in law makes cheap shots about my parenting skills until I told her off. I am concerned she is manipulating our life to take away my kid and my wife away from me. Is this some sinister motive? You would think this was some child trying to break up a marriage? Any thoughts. Give me some truth. Thanks.

Answer 1

Sounds like big problems to me. You will need to behave like the man in your family and put your big foot down.

If you can't figure out a way to get your sister-in-law out of the middle of your marriage, it sounds like you might not be having a marriage.

It's a "sticky" situation, because blood relatives have strong ties many times. The best thing I can think of to say is to encourage you to try to build a better relationship with your wife, so she won't feel the need to center her life around her sister.

Answer 2

Here is some truth for you: You can't be manipulated unless you allow her to manipulate you. You cant be put-upon, unless you allow it. Your sister-in-law sounds extremely needy for attention from anyone and wants to be included in everything. And she doesn't mind crossing boundaries into your personal life. You need to set them back up. I would find this extremely irritating also. You may just have to take the "blunt" approach, because that's all some people understand. However blunt you want to be, just say it with kindness in your words. No more "telling her off". Here are some examples:

I think we're going to look in another area for a new home before we make a decision.
I'm reading a great parenting book, and I think I'm doing a fine job.
Yes, we're going skiing; and it's going to be so nice being alone with my wife. It will be like a second honeymoon! Perhaps we can get together skiing another time.
I'm not ready to let the baby spend time away from home just yet. I'll let you know when I am.
We're having X-mas here at 12:00, but we'll be happy to drop by afterward. What would be a good time for you?

Just nip the problem in the bud before it becomes a real problem. You know she's going to butt-in and she doesn't mind getting into your business, so you shouldn't be obligated to cave ineveytime she wants something to go her way. Set the boundaries NOW...or you will have a lifetime of dealing with this problem.

Answer 3

I truly don't believe your sister in law is trying to break up the marriage but I can see that happening.
Some people just can't let go. It is kind of like parents not being able to let go of their son/daughter go when they get married. Yes, they know they are married in their heads but in their hearts they are still the ones to take care of them and assist them in their lives. Your sister in law may not be able to seperate the fact that her sister is married and she is doing her best to cling on to her. It may take a firm hand to set standards and draw the line here. But there is a way to do it without causing a big fight and seperation in the family. You should not go through your wife because remember, she is stuck in the middle.
Ask your sister in law out, alone, take her to a place that she likes, make her feel important. Play into her role so she will be more open to hearing what you have to say. Then explain exactly you feel. Tell her everything you just expressed here on this forum. Express your feelings and concerns and even tell her that her sister must look up to her so much that the influence she has is effecting your wifes decisions and you have to follow her wishes when that is not always what you want to do.
This is hard for you, I am sure, but I am nearly positive that she is not intentionally trying to ruin your marriage, she just wants to stay close with her sister and obviously she is the dominant one.
Hang in there. I am sure you will find common ground.
Good Luck.

Answer 4

Listen to me - What you see in your wife's family, is what your wife is-- "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" - your in a situation that will NEVER change. These sisters are "connected", and you just weren't "paying attention", during your courting! You did look deep enough. Now you have a "child", for God's sake, let your sister-in-law watch the baby! She is the child's Flesh & Blood, and it is obvious that she loves her sister, the love will pour out to the child. Take the offer - and get your Home Based Business - making "millions" for you. Don't be too upset - as time goes by - things will change - let me guess - this is a "Europeon" family, because it sounds a lot like mine. Italian! and we are bound together for life... which is sounds like your wife and sister are! Be grateful, your wife could be listening to a "big,forceful,tough" brother, handle that one!! LOL... or even an constant interferring mother/father... lighten-up - she's not leaving you, she isn't "cheating" on you. Your a lucky guy, with such good family support, enjoy it and things will go smoother as time passes, and time goes by in a New York Heart Beat!

Answer 5

No you are right to feel as you do. Your wife is used to her sister as being the one to control and run things and obviously has no will of her own and just does as her sister has always led her along in life to do.

This woman KNOWS she has this power over your whole family and she knows that you haven't put her up on a pedestal the way everyone else has and so she is going to wipe her feet all over you!!!!

I'm afraid if you don't get control of this situation quick, you will have two choices to make, suck it up or divorce.

I have an aunt who is just like her and in the long run she has treated our whole family as dirt, compared us to her kids and thought she was going to do the same now that the grandkids came along, but I have nothing more to do with them but she still torments my parents because idiots that they are, they live next door to one another (my dad and her husband are brothers) and I have to hear the crap through my parents, and I rarely talk to them anymore because of them either. They made their choice and I made mine.

This woman will use your children against you and endear them to her and that is why she wants them good and young so she can "raise" them just right.

She will continue with the mind games for the rest of your life.

Move far away. Tell your wife it's now or never, and frankly I would drag her away kicking and screaming if you want any kind of relationship of your own with your wife. Don't be surprised if she will never agree. You will have to make the decision then to accept it or leave them all behind.

I must say you must have gone into this relationship with blinders on, or perhaps you thought your wife would pick you over her family.

If you want a good relationship from the start move far away from the parents! You must have known how close they all were.

Sometimes these cultural differences (very tight close knit families) are a good thing and sometimes a bad. You marry into a whole family at times and not just a wife if you know what I mean.

You are going to have to have a good chat with your wife and if you come out the loser, well, focus on your work, on building a life for yourself with friends and colleagues that fulfill you because it sounds like you won't really be spending that much time "at home"...maybe when you are successful enough you can work outside of the house and better to distance yourself than always be so near all that.

You know you can't change people really. It's not fair when people realize that they entered into something that wasn't what they expected and then try to upset the applecart. Marriage is about compromise, and you need to tell your wife that you have to have your own personal space away from the family. Great that they matter and they will have a time and place in your life but it's just NOT EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY...and certainly living next door is much too close. You did not agree to marry her sister too as part of the package.

Answer 6

As long as you are completely aware of what is going on nothing will change until you put your foot down. Your wife needs to realize that her marriage comes first and the influence her sister has over her is a potential danger to your wedded bliss. You can see it and you need to explain it to your wife in a reasonable manner as to not appear the bad guy. She has to realize that she is NOT her sister and that she is a unique and beautiful individual and if she ever has a problem with the way you are raising your child she needs to speak to you about it NOT HER SISTER. Show this to her!!! Families sometimes don't realize the damage they cause. She needs to worry about her own life and butt out of yours. I hope this helps.

Answer 7

I'm not even going to read ur story it's like a thousand other ones, move out of state and u'll see how much more u'll love each other when u only see each other periodically. Problem solved or live with the crap and stop complaining. My sisters will always protect me and get on my spouse if they think she is trying to be my boss in front of them. They put her right in her place a wife's place not a mother's or a sister's place that's why I got them.

Answer 8

there is nothing wrong with wanting to be close to your family. but living right next door? i don't think so.talk to your wife, let her know that she is married to you not her sister.that you would like it if not everything revolved around her sister.maybe it would be a good idea for you not to be wanting to sit around the house all the time too.you need to start doing more with your wife, so that she does not have to do everything with her sister.

Answer 9

i think you need to sit your wife down and tell her you are sick of this ****..say you're not putting up with it anymore..YOU are the head of the house not her sister. it's rediculous. tell her you have no problem spending time with her family but when her family starts to interupt your marriage you won't put up with that

Answer 10

You have too many people in your marriage, do NOT move close to her.If you move next door you will end up divorced.