My future mother-in-law is dependent and uses her daughter. How can I make sure this doesn't continue?

Question

My future mother-in-law uses her daughter for everything. They live together right now until we get married. My fiance does all the chores and works a full time job to only give up some of her paycheck to her mother. Meanwhile, my future mother-in-law is claiming disability from the Social Security Administration for herself (she has crone's disease but is still physically capable) and her other daughter (who is slightly mentally handicapped). My mother-in-law acts dumb to everything and has my fiance do all the work. And she calls my fiance constantly to ask stupid questions or complain. My future mother-in-law does not have a job because she is scared that her disability payments will stop although I know that is not the truth (my brother is on disability for a mental illness but still carries a job). I am worried because I know my mother-in-law will continue her antics after my fiance moves out. What can I do to make sure the dependency does not continue once we are married?

I know all about Crohn's but her mom is physically able 75% of the year, and I agree that my fiance should pay some bills and do some chores, but it gets a little old when her mom sits on the couch all day and when my fiance gets home from work, she is told to vacuum the house. My fiance and I have already paid for house repairs, debts, and other things to help her mom. I know it won't change entirely, and I am hoping I get transferred next year out of state.

Answer 1

As long as your fiance is enabling her mother to use her, it will continue indefinitely.

You can put your foot down, but be aware that your fiance may retailiate. She needs to be the one to grow a backbone and stand up to her mother, and stop the abusive behaviour. (Afterall, she >is< abusing her daughters generosities) Until she does, her mother will continue to suck the life from her. This isn't something that you should have to "accept" either, this isn't a way of life two newly married people should have to endure. One reader posted that you should move as far away as you can. Although it doesn't initially sound like a fair solution, it may be a solution you should entertain. You want your marriage to be successful, the two of you need to come to some kind of agreement regarding her mother. Her mother can't be the driving negative force in your new life together. You'll be leaving her before you know it, because you won't be able to compete with her mother.

Good luck.

Answer 2

It is perfectly acceptable for your fiancee to be working and give up part of her paycheck for the bills since she is living under her mothers roof and should be paying her own way. It is also acceptable for her to be do chores and things to help around the house. It is not acceptable for her to be doing everything if your mother in law is actually as able bodied as you say she is. I think you would have to approach this with a bit of compassion or you will get nowhere. Consider the fact that her mother may have lost her feeling of worth once she developed a chronic disease. On the other hand, she may have gotten used to the idea of someone taking care of her and become lazy because of it. Talk to your fiancee and tell her that the best thing for her mother is to start now by helping her to not lean so much on her daughter and become independent. This will ensure that when your fiancee eventually moves out, her mother is better able to cope with the changes and the loss. No matter what, her mother is going to have to face the changes. They are bound to happen. This may be the best thing for her. When placed in a situation where we a forced to fend for ourselves, we find a way to get tougher. Have your daughter suggest that her mother get involved in some activities such as clubs and things to ease the lonliness. This will not only get her off her daughter's back, but put her more in touch with able bodied individuals and may inspire her to go get a job. If none of this long winded answer works, pack up your wife and move her as far away as possible LOL Good luck

Answer 3

Good Luck! It just won't work out. I can tell you from experience,even when your married, the phone will ring off the hook. I had the exact same thing, only reversed, my husband did more for his mother then me! Over the years, and l child, nothing changed, we divorced. He has never remarried, and I need not explain why! I have stayed single, due to my "horrible" experience in the years of my marriage. Think twice,three times before you make this lifelong commitment! Try just "living" together, don't have any children during this time. Children will really bring this "situation" you are experiencing now, even Worse!Just remember, you have only Known your girlfriend/fiance for a "short" time, Her Mother has known her ALL her Life! Who do you think will win?

Answer 4

Good luck man you have your hands full. Once you two are married mother in law will still be right there and come between you and your wife where its gonna cause alot of problems. Leave the State and live your lives away from her. Mother in law aint gonna like the fact she lost her daughter that does everything for her. Better off to get married and leave the State. If you stay around her it is gonna put a lot of pressure on wife and stress on your marriage. Talk to her before you two get married.

Answer 5

You need to sit down and have a long talk with your fiance about the situation. How does she feel? She needs to recognize that once married, living in a different place and working she will not have the same amount of time to be able to care for her mother and sister as in the past. She needs to see that she needs to put a plan in place to deal with the situation once the situation changes and you need to have that plan ready before you get married not after. You need to show her that you support her and will help her but that to maintain the status quo would be to in essence forsake your relationship. If she is not willing to come up with a plan then you need to seriously reconsider the idea of marriage because in all likelihood, it would not survive the resentment.

Answer 6

Oh boy, well you HAVE to know that they will NOT change.

Your wife is going to be ripped in half and ruined over this. Trust me I have been there with my own parents constantly being so needy (they weren't even good parents when I was growing up...I worked and supported myself from the time I was 11) and my mom has Chrohns too and every time there is a crisis I am the one who had to drop everything (even with 3 little ones) and rush to take her to the hospital because they can't speak english well and my mother almost died the one time I wasn't out of the city and we had to come rushing home from my vacation.)

It took almost 15 years before they finally learned to be somewhat independent of me...but it took its toll on me and my husband and our relationship. I'm lucky he's a good guy and is caring and understanding, but it's the effect it's had on me that I've had a hard time dealing with. It's very hard to just abandon the people you love even when it comes down to your resenting them and excluding them from your life..you still don't sleep well nights over it, know what I mean?

You have to know nothing will change in your circumstances. Your mother in law will not suddenly take charge of her life.

So accept that they will be a constant butt-into your life-er in the future. You can't expect to suddenly marry and life will be just you two...that will never happen, so get real and accept that it will take quite a while to retrain your MIL to life without her daughter.

Perhaps the best thing is to move far, far, away...because otherwise, you will always have to go running...but I doubt your wife is ready for that sudden break. Talk to her and let her know your TRUE feelings...don't marry if it's just going to be a rift and lead to divorce.

Answer 7

It is great that you have this insight before you marry. You need to get the opinion of your fiance. Is she willing to disconnect from her mom after you marry? With her current in-depth involvement with her mom, your fiance may find it hard to back away. Her mom has been brainwashing her since her birth. This needs to be realized & set in stone before you marry. If you can never accept her mom's overbearing ways, then maybe you should not marry. Find out from your fiance her opinion. Maybe the 2 of you can move far away from the mom.

Answer 8

Your future wife needs to put you first before her mother and you do the same. I love my mom and I love my mother in law but my wife comes first. When you get married.... you'll need to let her know that she's a wife and not a maid or caregivier. ANd also... move as far as you can so that way the mother in law to leave her alone and let her live life. THat's probably the best way to do it.

Answer 9

I believe the ONLY thing you can do is thoroughly discuss this subject with your fiance before you get married! She is the only one who can decide if she is going to continue to let her mother take advantage of her or not. She may feel obligated to help her and if you wait until you are married to tell her to stop catering to her mother, she may end up resenting you.
God Bless you and your future bride!

Answer 10

The only reason it has lasted this long is because your fiance continues to let it. The only way it's going to stop is if your fiance develops a backbone, stands up to her mother, and puts her foot down.

People can't take advantage of you if you don't let them.