I’m German and been married 2 years to my American husband.?

Question

I haven’t seen a lot of my father-in-law and his wife, since he doesn’t seem to like his son very much.They got issues.Last year I took my husband over to Germany for 2 month (Dec/Jan) and he met his in-laws for the first time.When we got back we tried to get together with his dad to tell him about the trip and give him souvenirs we bought. After trying for 2 weeks I send the souvenirs and we haven’t heard from them since.Now I receive an email from his fathers wife asking what we want for xmas and what day we want to get together to exchange gifts.The dates given to me where the 2nd,9th and 16th of December.(The 16th is my own birthday)I was very angry and replied that since we haven’t heard from them since our return and they showed no interest in our live, that we are not interested to spend Xmas with them. At first my hubby agreed with me,but after his stepsister send him a mean e-mail how I made her mom sad and nobody likes me anyway he changed his mind and is now mad at me.

Answer 1

You should have sent har an email saying that you would discuss the dates with your husband and let her know. You broke a cardinal rule never show your claws unless you are being attacked. A family will always stand together and the feud is with his father not his mother. She was probably trying to mend fences and you put up walls. I would send her an email apologizing for your rudeness and say that you were only trying to protect your husband from being hurt. Ask him to pick one of the dates and then be your normal charming self when you meet the family. Remember you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. Remember, your in a different culture. My sister has issues with me, we don't speak much, but if she ever needed my help I've got her back.

Answer 2

Many people have issues with family. Even if a person has made attempts to change their life, it often seems that family tend to remember the errors of the past and can perpetuate those "old images and behavior" even when there has been changes. Nevertheless, it is a painful situation. Now, here you come into the scenario.

First of all, I hope you have enough confidence in yourself because their "not liking you" is more a reflection on who they really are then who you really are. From what you wrote, it is understood that they hardly know you. Also, if they have issues with your husband, it is quite possible that they will have issues with you just through association.

The best advice I would give you is to stand clear of the situation or be as diplomatic as possible. That is, when it comes to your husband's family, follow what he believes should be done or said. I do not say that you can not express to him your feelings (at least, with carefully chosen words). No matter how screwed up things may be, its still his family and this will never be changed.

Good luck to you.

Answer 3

I agree with the previous answer saying that life's too short for that kind of thing.
Go and write a mail to the inlaws and explain about your birthday, and that you had second thoughts because of your husband. After all, you did not mention that you asked him before making your decision on his behalf as well..

Es wird Dir schon kein Zacken aus der Krone fallen, und wegen so einer Blödheit seine Ehe aufs Spiel zu setzen, ist doch ein bißchen übertrieben, findest Du nicht?

Vertragt Euch, und Frohe Weihnachten!!!!

Answer 4

Honey, I love how german families are so close to one another its a beautiful thing there how they take care of each other. But in the United States its a completely different situation. You have families that just love to be together then you have the ones that fight and do not have much to do with each other. I am lucky to have families that enjoy each other but thats the way it is here. I love Germany and lived there for three years because my husband is a soldier and was stationed there and you germans were so wonderful to us.

Answer 5

In a way I dont blame you for doing that. If that happened to me with the way they are treating you I would feel the same way. But the question is why have they had a change of mind it may be because they are getting older and relize that they have to make peace. . Talk to the mother in law and explain to her how you felt with them not keeping in touch with you, and also explain to your husband. Give it a try and see where it leads.

Answer 6

I know that dealing with his family is difficult, but please do make an effort to see them and attempt to resolve the 'issues' between you and your inlaws. Don't let this one thing cause problems between you and your husband. My father had a similar situation with his father, and for years they did not even speak to one another. I When they did finally take a few steps towards compramise the whole family benefited. Things are not perfect, indeed far from it, but at least I now know who my grandfather is, and my dad has peace in his heart because he feels that he does everything he can to have a relationship with his father.

Answer 7

Family is family. People are busy. Just because they didn't spend time with you doesn't mean that it's not worthwhile to get together with them for Christmas. I'd say get together with them and exchange gifts. Otherwise, you might be guilty of the same behavior that you're accusing them of.

Answer 8

2 wrongs do not make a right - he should of been the one to respond since its his family - they might not be that close but they are still family

Answer 9

It is always best to reconcile with family members and to forgive any past slights or insults. Life is too short for petty squabbles.

Answer 10

So tell him to make a decision for a change.