Straight Men with Gay Friends Who Won't Take No for an Answer. How to Handle It?

Question

I'm straight (you have no idea!), work in a creative profession where I am around allot of gay co-worker men. So naturally, I've become good friends with many of them. Problem is, seems that I'm so people friendly, that they all think that it's okay to hit on me constantly. As if my just being cool/friendly with them is a come on. Or maybe they can't tell the difference.

It's starting to make me feel like I'd just be better off acting like a phobe, trashing the friendships, and be left alone. Half the time I feel like they're laying office bets down on who can score me first. I find this a bit insulting. They ask for respect for who they are, and I've given it to them, but they won't respect me for who I am, and cut out the sh!t. It burns me up sometimes.

And no, it's not flattering! It's annoying and arrogant!

No different from some straight assuming that gays can be "healed".

If this crap goes on, I'll just ditch I guess. Any similar experiences?

Bastard in Alabama -

it's not the same thing. Unless you are talking about a straight girl getting hit on by lesbians.

Allain -

My boss is gay too! So that dog don't hunt!

gmonte33 -

Read my lips, don't mind getting hit on by girls. That happens too at work. But they can take no for an answer. And if your answer is just about "stickin" it to men dealing with gay men, to get even, then you ladies should expect the same when you are on the other end. Thanks for nothing.

yohan m -

LOL....I tell em about my girlfriend stuff already. They just imagine they're the girl, or watching, and it makes them even hornier. They all know I was married. Some of them came to the wedding.

The situation is not harassment. It's more like a joke between friends that's getting a little out of hand, for me anyway. Problem is the gay/straight is in thing in the mix.

I know how to tell people to F-off. In words and deeds. That's not the problem here.

The easy out for me is to just say......stay away from gays and never have gay friends. But the friendships are first to me. That's my only attraction. I'm looking for some answer from someone with a similar experience.


Thanks for the therapy.

Thanks for the serious answers everyone.

Not a joker in the lot. Thanks

Answer 1

Things with women have happened to me a few times before. A first major one was back in high school. She said she only had a crush on me. But then asked me "please change, just try, for me". THAT infuriated me. I mean i told her before that, that i'm sorry, but no, we can be friends. Eventually i just ditched her cause it was letters with lipstick kisses, love poems etc.

Second one that well, wasn't that large in scale, but still pissed me off. A girl i dated when i was 10 (who i got my first kiss with). Anyways, we were at a get together, she kept on txting me for weeks asking if we were dating (dunno what gave her that idea). So i got drunk and finally said i'm gay, then she asked *rolls eyes* if i've ever tried to change, and if not, if i would like to. I said (angry and drunk) no, cause i love men too much. She called later that night crying, although i was drunk so i can't remember what was said.

Other then that, just a few crushes, they eventually just got over it without drama.

I say, tell them again FIRMLY, NO! If they still carry on, ditch them. There are gay guys out there who aren't like that.

Answer 2

Well number one they are not your friends if they continue to harass you sexually, and sexual harassment is wrong and illegal.

Number two when one of "them" hits on you, you must handle it differently then what you have in the past. I think you need to show a little frustration and anger at the situation and tell that person you have had enough of their unwanted advances.
You need to basically put that person on the spot right then and there and do not let up. Inform that person you are not gay you will not "turn gay" and you find their advances very upsetting and revolting. If they say to you they were just fooling or what ever tell them you would appreciate them not fooling anymore.

Number three inform them of how you feel about having friends that constantly hit on you and how that is ruining friendships that you had valued and proving to you a lot of negative hype about gays is really true and that you do not fool with them like that so you just want the same in return.

Number four go to your supervisor or someone higher up and complain, you don't need to keep this inside nor leave your job because of this.
I'm sure they all find you attractive but like you said its not fun funny or welcome and it goes on way too much so you need to do something about it.

By the way I am gay and this is my perspective.

Answer 3

I think the point here is plain harassment. In any other work environment this would be grounds for termination of those doing the sexual harassment. And maybe a lawsuit. I know it may be a less formal work environment than most, but that doesn't mean they get to do what they want.

I suggest you speak to your boss. I think you need to tell him that you are feeling harassed and uncomfortable. Even in the GLBT community no means no. If you were a gay man working in a straight environment and this was happening, it would be intolerable. Why is it any different. I think this has to be a company wide policy, and management needs to take control. Otherwise, eventually you will have to quit and that's just not fair.

Answer 4

Yeah, if I were straight and getting hit on all the time by my co-workers, I'd get tired of it, too. I'm with the others about leveling with these guys. Let them know that it's pissing you off, and you want the same respect that they demand. And just because the boss is gay, doesn't mean that he can't recognize sexual harrassment. Is he hitting on you, too?? In short, if you find that they won't listen to you, then send your resume out and get another gig in your field. But please don't assume that this experience is how all gay men act. Peace.

Answer 5

Many years ago I had this problem in reverse. I am terribly sorry that it happened to you. It is a bit traumatizing. I remember being trapped in my tiny little office when I was about 21 by a woman who was insisting that if I just let myself, I would leave my boyfriend (my second one at that time) and fall in love with her. After saying no and asking her to leave, I had no clue what to do. I think it took me 8 months to get over it. The more I remember the sorrier I am that it happened to you.

Tell your coworkers very clearly, then show them this message -- have them email me if they need a gay man to tell them that support for gays is to be lauded, and does not mean you are gay.

I'm so sorry.

Regards,

Reynolds Jones
Schenectady, NY
[e-mail]

Answer 6

BIA is right, it is EXACTLY the same thing as a woman in an office getting hit on by every horn-dog man that walks through.

I know that doesn't help you any.

Have you tried sitting down one on one and explaining to these guys how you feel. If that doesn't work I'd go to the boss....shouldn't matter that he's gay. It's still his job. It's incredibly homophobic of you to assume otherwise.

Answer 7

Tell it straight to them that you don't like them that way. Turning into a homophobe will just infuriate them. If they really won't lay off, tell your boss you are being harassed. It's never a cool thing to feel harassed.

Answer 8

if they can't take no for an answer ,cross them off the friends list because they are truly not your Friends then. but don't become a basher, you have made great strides in an area that needs more people like you

Answer 9

Straight men are such babies. Hello?! Us women have been dealing with this for many years! We get hit on all the time by guys we're not interested in. When the same thing happens to a guy they freak out, kind of like you are doing right now.

Answer 10

If it's making you uncomfortable, let them know what's making you uncomfortable. If they continue, take it to Human Resources. Threaten legal action. They need to learn no means no.