I am craving someone else. My husband drinks too much on the weekends. Last weekend he drank so much that he passed out in the bathroom and threw up in the sink. I've know him for over 14 years and he's always been unclean. What I mean my that is that is doesn't really care about his hygiene. Especially his teeth. Most of the time his breath smells like a true garbage can. Nasty. I am the opposite. Being dirty especially not brushing my teeth is unacceptable.
Things like this all stem from his extremely messed up childhood. Fine! I am just tired of dealing with the smell. If he would get help, I am sure that he would be a nice looking and smelling guy. I am spoken to help until I am out of breathe. ...no change over the past 14 years. I need intimacy in my life and I am ready to either get out or cheat on him to find what I am craving.
2006-12-01 23:21:23 · 26 answers · asked by sunneybearnc 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
My friend, you are in a no win situation. He's not going to change and will continue to use his "childhood" as an excuse. He's laying a guilt trip on you. His childhood is NOT your fault and you can't fix it. I know you love him, but leave. He has had more than enough time, and a loving spouse, to "clean up his act". Why should he? He has you. GO
2006-12-01 23:35:50 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
And you don't think that cheating is a form of dirt or filth? I don't mean to sound harsh; but it's kind of like trading one nasty thing or person for another.
You need to think about you first. How do you want to live your life? Sex is the icing on the cake. Sure, anyone can go out and find anything to bang up against. But what do you want from your life?
#1: You're not happy living 24/7 with a slob drunk. You need to change that because you will not and cannot change him. Therefore, "you" have to make a change and make that change for yourself.
#2: Once you've cleaned up your personal life; Then you can concentrate on what you enjoy.
14 years is a very long time to live in such a nasty environment with an alcoholic. In a way; just by being in that environment you're becomming just like him. Only your vice is sex - after you have this one; how many more will you want? Until you fix yourself - you're only creating a monster. Ask yourself if this is what you want for the next how-ever many years.........it's a yes or no answer sweetie.
2006-12-02 08:34:48 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have lived with a man for 14 years who's habits come from childhood and you just now woke up to them?
Hmmmmmmm
Where have you been for the last 14 years?
If you are somewhat serious about this my advice is do not cheat. Get a divorce. For you to cheat will lead there anyway so why take the chance of getting aids.
If it comes to it tell him why you want a divorce. Give him this option to clean up. If you have been with him for 14 years you can bet he thinks all is well.
Get yourself together girl and then go in the direction your heart tells you. But don't cheat. Of that you will be sorry.
2006-12-02 09:43:48 · answer #3 · answered by John B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Please do not do the affair route. It will only reduce you to a level which negates your grievance.
Put him on notice that he has 8 weeks to , literally, Clean up his act. During that time separate your funds make provision and find some place to move to. Let him know you are serious and that you are preparing for a life without the person you are with now. If that does not deliver the wake up call you will be ready to make your break unencumbered with reasons extraneous to the situation, infidelity. At that point you are free to start over and find a person who more fits your desires. Once you take care of this relationship on way or the other you will be able to stay with whatever decision you make.
2006-12-02 09:17:04 · answer #4 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As miserable as you are, the bottom line is that you knew what he was like when you married him. He didn't change. You changed your mind. I'm assuming that in the beginning, you figured that either he would change, or your ability to tolerate it would.
Not really fair to him that after 14 years you want to dump him because he didn't change. Lesson learned: Never marry someone if you know the only way you can stand to STAY married to them is for them to change.
I totally understand that you've tolerated it for years and now it's just the end of your rope that we're seeing. I'm telling you what's not fair to him and you're thinking "What about what's fair to ME? Don't I have the right to be happy? With someone I want to be with?"
Yes you do.
But you should have chosen that for yourself before you married him.
That said... it's just as likely that you weren't feeling self-assured enough that you had a right to anything better back when you settled for him to begin with. Sometimes women don't truly come into their own and have a decent self-esteem until years after they've been in the wrong marriage with a person they knew from the beginning was not the man of their dreams... but only the man they settled for.
We tend to think we're so good at settling that we can create an entire happy life around a man we don't really want to be with because we're told we'll never have that fantasy... so just take what we can get.
I'm going to suggest to you that you get counseling. For yourself if not for you two as a couple. I'm not saying you shouldn't leave him. I'm saying you need to carefully consider all the ramifications of leaving him. If there are children involved, you can't ever discount the impact it will have on them, no matter how miserable you are. They're not going to be as relieved as you will be. They will have to grieve the loss of their family. Consider the impact before making a move.
Financially you will need to be realistic. Also if he would agree to counseling and begin to take better care of his personal hygiene, would it make a difference now or is it too late? You need to decide that as well. Supposed halfway through the "leaving him" process, he starts making the effort? Will it be too late? Are you just fed up with the situation or has the situation damaged (beyond repair) the way you feel about him as a person?
I truly wish you well. If you do leave, please don't ever settle again. Being alone is better in most cases than settling for something that's less than ideal just because you think you can make it work out.
In most cases you cannot change the other person. You may not even be able to change your situation for whatever reason. Then the only option left is to change the way you feel about it. You can always change yourself. If this isn't something you can change your feelings about... then make sure you change your situation. You may want to rethink your timing... but I do believe you have the right to be happy, even though you made a mistake. Just use caution as you go about undoing it.
Been there... done that... more than once.
2006-12-02 07:43:59 · answer #5 · answered by thegirlwholovedbrains 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Don't cheat just leave...move on with your life...how many years are you going to stay in a relationship where you are not happy...why would you want to? Call a lawyer and file for divorce...find someone who can make your life more complete and happier...you deserve to be happy and living with someone who has bad hygiene and drinks too much is silly.....it will only get worse...good luck
2006-12-02 08:37:04 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Erm don't want to offend you but shouldn't you concentrate on helping uour husband overcome this Alcoholism?
People usually turn to things like drink and drugs as some form of escape from things that are depressing them.
You should do what is best for you of course but would you like to be left in such a state?
2006-12-02 07:26:22 · answer #7 · answered by Bohdisatva 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I totally could have written that myself. I hear ya loud and clear!
What is the kicker for me about the teeth issue is that I am a dental hygienist... and husband doesn't brush his teeth often, and *maybe* once a week. And he wonders why I won't kiss him or share beverages/food with him.
2006-12-02 07:48:18 · answer #8 · answered by Jennifer L 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds pretty rough. There must have been something that attracted you to him in the first place. Did he used to take better care of himself in the beginning?
There is no excuse for not brushing your teeth and staying clean. Maybe he is trying to drive you away?
You deserve better.
2006-12-02 08:15:48 · answer #9 · answered by Jack P 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Leave this guy, obviously he's an alcoholic and won't change. If he's been this way for a long time he isn't going to change. If he's that bad I'd cheat too.
2006-12-02 07:34:35 · answer #10 · answered by Rocky 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋