When I have an issue or feel unhappy I like to talk to my husband about it as well as friends, of course. His usual reaction is that he does not want to talk as it is late or he is tired or it is not the right time or etc etc!!! He gets very defensive and sulks. What's the best way to deal with this apart from splitting up? Anyone else has this experience? Is this a common male phenomenom?
2006-12-01 20:36:02 · 24 answers · asked by Stephanie C 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I think it might be! When my Mum & Dad argue, my Dad doesn;t talk to my Mum because 'if she doesn't know what's wrong, then that just shows you what the problem is'! Yeah, see where I'm coming from?
I think if there is an issue that concerns you, then your husband should talk/discuss with it with you. I think you need to sit down together (when he is not tired), & say calmly that there are issues to discuss, that can't be put off. He needs to runderstand that his refusal to talk is making you unhappy. If there are times when he doesn't want to discuss these issues, that is ok as long as he can he tell you when he will?
That way at least, he is prepared to make time for you so that they can be resolved in an amicable manner.
To continually put matters off, will only lead to more animosity, & make it harder & harder for you to work things out.
2006-12-01 21:57:25 · answer #1 · answered by Kingbee 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
To start off, I'm a male.
I'd say the first thing you need to do if you haven't already is let him know how irritating it is that he won't talk to you about stuff that concerns you. Try to find a time when he won't have the excuse to not have time or be tired. I know that may not be possible, but do what you can. Also it sounds like he's uncomfortable being vulnerable with you, try to make yourself seem as safe as possible for him to talk to. If he says something that irritates you, try not to yell at him because that will make him less likely to say anything at all next time. In the same sense, if he says something stupid, don't make fun of him.
The defensiveness probably comes from him having bad experiences sharing his feelings. In some previous relationship with a female, or quite possibly his current one, he probably had a bad experience with sharing something and having it ignored, or laughed at or something along those lines, which is why I think safe dialogue with you is where it needs to start. Don't resort to splitting up, that's not going to help anything.
I think this is a common male problem, but I think with some work you can get around it. Good luck.
2006-12-01 20:52:09 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Is this a common male phenomenon? Yes! It's call hating to argue! My wife and I were in the same boat. She called it discussion and I called it arguing. She ended up discussing things with my brother which of course ended up kissing. Then they got caught by his wife. Thank God it never got to intimacy. He turned on her with the very thing she wanted....words. She is now thought of in the family as a psycho stalker type from his version of what happened. Lies, I know, but it's amazing how important this arguing is to some people. My wife and I talk, but no longer in the debate forum she used to crave. She vents like normal people but instead of a long drawn out useless argument. It's more focused, and our problems get solved faster than anyone I know. In fact two days ago one of her friends said she wished her husband and her would communicate like we do. My wife gave me a little "Oh MY God" look and took her aside and spelled out what she was in for. You can vent, just not badger, you can get your point across without a debate. If your husband rolls his eyes when you want to address an issue, you may be a similar person who enjoys a good verbal confrontation. I call it vain and useless babbling.
2006-12-01 21:19:20 · answer #3 · answered by delux_version 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi Stephanie C
I have to be honest I do shut off when my lady talks to me sometimes as well , I know it rude and inconsiderate and I think about it later and a feel bad that I have done this to her . but then days later i find Iv done it again . Its not all things its just a couple of topics that I am tired of hearing about , The thing is I have come to think while answering your question that these couple of topics so boring and mundane to me are Important to her so I will make an effort in future .( fancy that answering you helps me)Grab him a beer sit out on the step or were ever and just tell him that this is your life and you want to share it with him hopefully he will see that it is important to you .
2006-12-01 21:28:07 · answer #4 · answered by slick 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think it's common to males alone, females have the same problem. I have been with men who are willing to communicate, I've been with men who haven't been willing. I can say that if you don't talk about the problems when they are small and resolve them they will only grow and fester. There is only so much "sweeping it under the rug" you can do until you have a huge lump in the carpet that you trip over. An open communication is key to a good marriage.
2006-12-01 20:43:19 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
I had a simmiler problem with this... I asked my dad... well cause he seems to always know how to deal with his gender :P But at any rate he told me to just tell the other half "Hey, I have some things i want to talk to you about and get your input on when you have time let me know" And it really worked... My dad told me i was probably expecting him to want to talk to me about deep stuff all the time... he said guys have to be in the mood or the mind set to deal with it... and i need to let him come to me.... So i do that now and it works for the most part... :) The trick is being patient and waiting for them to make time to sit down and talk with you.... If a few days pass bring up going to dinner just the two of you to talk about things you want his input on... BUT DONT expect him to take a magic wand and fix your problems... and DONT let him think you expect that from him.... :)
2006-12-01 21:09:36 · answer #6 · answered by chrystal_lynn2002 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
guys heads work differently. Make whatever you say simple, maybe examples he would know about. I've had this problem, and if he doesn't want to talk, I ask when is a better time. I mean maybe he is tired, or maybe he doesn't want to talk. Open communication can be difficult in relationships, you have to find a way to work it out. Maybe on some topics just talk to your friends, make life a lil bit simplier that way.
2006-12-01 20:42:09 · answer #7 · answered by Dee P 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Yes, Yes , Yes,,,,We as men would like to know why so many women think that because they want to talk, express emotion's and we don't that there must be something wrong with us. There isn't, talking about feeling, does not put dinner on the table or roof over the head, with exception of the very few. " Dear Abby, Dr. Phil, Oprah". Because you want to talk, he must talk,,,no... What you want is to hear him talk. He doesn't want to, respect that. Leave him alone...there is nothing wrong with him..it's you your a women, most women love to talk, men know that most of us except that. what would you think if he told you to be quite as often as you prod him to talk....He is not broke nor a cripple, nor are you...he is male you are female...
2006-12-01 20:43:55 · answer #8 · answered by brp_13 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Because whenever my girlfriend and I have an argument all I her is her constant incessant nagging and I want to put ear plugs in.
Are you nagging or yelling at him? Maybe he feels he's being bitched at. A common male phenomenon, yes
2006-12-02 00:14:53 · answer #9 · answered by Rocky 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very common. Thats how men are. Read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Its not just American physchobabble (sorry cant spell it!), it is full of good info about men, women and relationships.
2006-12-01 22:59:27 · answer #10 · answered by Caroline 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋