Does anyone have any advice on how I can help my 3yr son cope with his dad walking out on us?

Question

I have a 3yr old son who I adore, my husband has left our home without saying good-bye to me or our son. My son loves his dad so much and is always asking where his is. I don't know what to tell him so I just say he's going to be at work for a long time and that we won't be able to see him anytime soon. Sometimes that's enough and he's okay, other times he cries and yells for his dad. It absolutly breaks my heart to see my young son so sad for his dad I don't know what to do. My husband has a meth and gambling problem. We seperated about a year ago over this, then we moved to another town and he got clean for awhile. Well he started using again and gambling every night. He would go days without talking to me and barely seeing our son. I told him that if he didn't want to stop and get some help then he would have to live somewhere else. So one day we came home and I noticed his clothes and shoes were gone; and I haven't heard from him since. Can someone please give me any advice.

Answer 1

Do and Don'ts

Do encourage him to express his feelings about the actual events/circumstances and support his feelings as normal and reasonable.

Don't discourage him from expressing his feelings in any way. Be understanding and supportive. He can't avoid having feelings of separation, etc.

If he is discouraged from talking about his dad and supressing his feelings, or using diversions to stifle them then he is learning bad habits for managing his emotions that will effect him life long. He will never forget his dad, for when he sees others with their dads his dad will be conspicuous by his absence. Reminders will be there lifelong though the image of his dad he has now may be gone after some time.

Expressing his feelings in a healthy way with a trusted person (you) is the way he is going to be able to deal with this issue.

As he grows it will become more and more important as he compares himself with friends and classmates who have visible fathers. The questioning will increase and he will need a vision of who his father is. Don't deny him that. Help him to connect the events with his father's character and circumstances (the diseases of drug addiction and gambling) that were beyond anyone's control (we were are powerless).

Treat it like the disease that it is. Some fathers die of cancer, some have heart attacks, some go insane. Things happen and the important thing is to foster good emotional management skills starting now so that this kid can still grow into a healthy well-adjusted adult. He can and will with your guidance and good example. Get professional guidance for this if you need it, and it sounds like you do, otherwise you wouldnt be asking, right?

You are doing the right thing by asking for help. That's 90% of the problem solved.

I hope this helps.

Answer 2

Make sure you tell your son that it has nothing to do with him or you. That daddy does love you both very much, but he is gone away because he is sick. Daddy had to go away until he gets well, and that might take awhile. You could help him write letters to daddy. Than you actually would not be lying, but not going into depth on what he is sick about. If your husband ever called, tell him what you told his son, and let him speak to his son. You were so right to do what you did about having your husband leave. You don't want your son growing up seeing that. Very smart move! In the meantime, give your son lots love, and just let him know you'll always be there for him, and tell him everything will be fine.Your son will start to tell others that is daddy is gone, because he is real sick. Which is OK, just as long he knows and feels it wasn't because he was a bad boy!!

Answer 3

My heart goes out to you as I know what you are going through. The only thing you can do is be there for your son. Your husband may never get clean and stay clean and you will need to be prepared for that. My children's father has been a crack addict for 12 years (on and off) he has repeatedly gone into rehab for this and always finds his way back to it. Remember that there will be many more days of your son crying and you will need to be there to comfort him. When the anger gets very strong inside of you take a time out and get yourself together for your son's sake. Remember never put your husband down in front of him. When he gets older you may explain to him that his father had some drug problems and that is why he was not around. I told my children when they were around 10 and 11, they have seen first hand what drugs can do to a family and both have vowed to never use drugs.

My other point that I want to make is that no matter how hard you try you can not make him be a dad to your son. He will need to decide for himself that he wants this and if it happens that he does not want this, think of all the wonderful memories that you get to share with your son that he doesn't. He will never get those memories back and you will have them for a lifetime. Your husband will be the one that will truly miss out not you and your son.

Good luck to you and your son. If you would like to talk more please email me.

Answer 4

Hi Samantha you have to tell your little angel the Truth (with out going into the facts to much though ) after all he is to young to find out that daddy has a drug and gambling problem.
Id just say that daddy isn't well and he cant come home till he gets better and that could be a long time . so You just have to be a big boy and if god says so daddy will come home . It must be heart breaking to be the one that has to pick up the pieces after your guy ships out with out knowing if you will see him tomorrow next month or years later Honesty is what you should give the boy he deserves that , a Lie could back fire later in life so Samantha In my opinion (and it is my opinion ) be true .

Answer 5

Unfortunatley there is little comfort for you with this situatuion. Holding out for a better day is probably best. It's a storm of life and it will pass. Knowing that you can hold out for hope is the first step. Second step get help there is no reason to do any of this withought help. People are notourious for helping others. Regardless of spirituall prefference one place to find sanctuary is in a church. A church that beleives in nondeomination is good for avoiding condeming types. Also there are programs and a church can be a great place to ask for dierction with these. Above all surrond yourself with friends. You don't have to be alone. You have already started to do the right thing for your son and that is look for help. Good luck and God bless, and (Jesus) keep you and your son safe.

Answer 6

So sorry to hear what is happening to you. i know that your son is only 3, but u be surprised what they understand and know. be honest tell him the truth, That his daddy left because he had to fix some personal issues that he was having. Try to tell ur son good things about his father(dont talk negative about him) when he's older then u can explain the situaton much better. Good luck

Answer 7

Never lie to your children, but you don't have to bash his dad either. He will figure that all out eventually on his own. You could tell him that Daddy decided to leave because he had problems and you don't know if he'll be back. That way he isn't waiting for him. Spend more time with him to doing things he likes to do, it will help take his mind off of him, and eventually he'll get used to him being gone.

Answer 8

You are far, far, far on the wrong venue for asking, unless of course someone here has dealt with this before. I, would, venture to say, calling your local county or city courthouse for advice or asking if they know of someplace in the county that may help you. (A Pro.) Even stopping a cop and asking him (that is what they where put there for, and they deal with it (drugs and transient ism) everyday, and will far from shame you for asking)

Excuse my French, but Meth is a HORRIBLE F-ucking thing, that in my profession of addicts, mental patients, etc, is only a cousin to crack, and should be eradicated from the face of the earth.

On a lighter note, if you read history, the same fate that has been dealt to you and your son, even happened in earlier and times. With alcohol, coca, heroin, etc. Your husband can only be helped, only if he wants help and is willing to help helping himself!

Answer 9

Please wrap your arms around your little boy and tell him that you love him and that his daddy loves him too. Let him know that daddy is sick and is away and that he can't see him right now. Tell him that you don't know when his daddy is coming back, but that you two will be okay. As he gets older, and if the daddy is still out of his life, you can explain it to him more, what ever is age appropriate. Just let your child know he is loved by you,other family members, and friends....help him feel safe and secure.

Answer 10

I feel your pain but you have to ask yourself one question do you want your son around the drugs?? maybe its a blessing in disguise that he left obviously he knew he wasnt going to be able to quit the drugs and gambling but he could have atleast been a man and explained why he was leaving