this is a mess, please help.?

Question

My husband just confessed to an affair and through all the screaming and yelling, i confessed mine as well, mine happened over 2 years ago, less than a month long, his just happened and lasted 6 months. the thing is his GF called me and told me everything, all the sordid details, and he confessed to every single one of them exept one. she told me that he told her that she wasnt the first woman he cheated on me with, he says she was the first and will be the last. should i believe that? why were all the other details truths and that last one about other women all the sudden a lie? I dont know what to believe. i was willing to stay and work it out cuz i wasnt exactly innocent, then his GF told me there have been others. do i believe her or my husband? he has cried, professed his love for me, forgives my mistake, and has "re-proposed" to me, to renew our vows. we are married 10 years and 2 kids. whats your opinions on this mess?

Answer 1

you both deserve each other!!!! him having an affair is your kharma catching up with you....
what goes around comes around

but once a cheater always a cheater......

Answer 2

Hi Red-Rose,

YOU ARE RIGHT, it is a MESS as these situations ALWAYS ARE.

First I think that you both have to get past the hidden justification / rationalization and finger pointing. Also keep it COOL when the KIDS are around and DO NOT use them as pawns.

The BIG QUESTION that both you and your husband have to answer IS WHY DID IT HAPPEN for both of you? I won't get into the possible answers because YOU both know what they are. Discuss it CANDIDLY and determine if the FOUNDATION PROBLEM can be fixed; if it CAN for BOTH of you then you have a foundation to forgive and move on TOGETHER, both a little smarter. If not then split without a huge fight. You can be single, but the TWO of you are PARENTS for LIFE.

Now here is a little input about men, women and "GF's.

If men are in the "mood" to cross the road, they will say ANYTHING. Of course,"I have been with multiple women because my wife doesn't _____ me and I would leave if it weren't for the KIDS". For confirmation, recall the pitch that you got from your "BF". Affairs are DIFFICULT for men because of the financial aspects involved. You might want to look for unusual spending patterns while he was involved; you know what I mean. Now this is a tough one. How many times over your 10 year marriage has your husband "Lost Interest" in the bedroom or became distant. If it was just during this last period, I would almost guarantee that it was your husband's first time.

Now wives get bored with the "STUFF" and become open to a little adventure and romance, "DAMN you are absolutely BEAUTIFUL in that dress". Wives tend to get taken for granted while the husband climbs the ladder etc. The ROMANCE, anticipation and EXCITEMENT kind of vanish. Women CRAVE that feeling and if they are not getting it from their husband they tend to be "OPEN" to other solutions and more susceptible to advances.

The "GF" is a whole different deal. If she is single and goes after a married man that says something in itself. I work with a woman that told me that she only "dated" married men because it was just for the sex. If the "GF" had visions of stealing your husband that would certainly explain her phone call to you with all the details. She is doing what she can to get him back. This happens when it is HIS IDEA to END it, the "GF" gets tired of waiting for him or is just a little wacked;just take what she says with a grain of salt.

I knew a woman once whose husband had an affair while she was fighting breast cancer and they were separated. The "GF" showed up at this woman's door and ratted out the affair. When she was finished, my friend hit her so hard that it knocked the "GF" OUT cold on the porch. When the "GF" came to, my friend said, "Please get up and leave NOW! If you come back I will do it again because HE IS MY HUSBAND"!

This woman is NOT trailer trash and her husband was a company president and my partner. Their marriage lasted another 15 years until he passed away suddenly to complications from CHEMO! They were married a total of 37 years and she still loves him. It is SCARY how things work out sometimes.

The KEY is to determine the CORE PROBLEM and WHY it happened to both of you.

If you two can sort that out and FIX it, I wish you guys 50 years of marriage.

Good LUCK,
Jacques.

Answer 3

You need to follow your heart because no matter the advice you get, that is all it is. You know your husband better than anyone.The "other woman" could be just trying to cause more trouble because she wants him all for herself.I personally do believe that once a cheater always a cheater phrase, but you say that you done the same thing.Why did you do it? It may be the same reason he did. And after all you done it first so maybe your guilty feelings caused more problems between you two than you realized? Just a thought. Ten years of your life with someone is a long time, I know I have also been married 10 years and have two kids. Try to work it out between you two, counseling or whatever. If it doesn't work and neither can forgive or forget, then move on.

Answer 4

What is going on in your marriage that you are both cheating? I don't believe this is something that you can just forget and everything is going to be ok.. Are you in love with him? You have 2 kids with him...the kids are going to suffer if you both continue to be unfaithful..Seek marital counseling asap and figure it all out. Remember once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater...I am sure there are exceptions to this rule..He says he loves you and acts dramatic but know that, at this point, he would probably will do anything or say anything not to lose you..You can't just accept him back without some guidelines from a professional or if that isn't possible, you two sit down and come up with something. You really need to figure out why it is happening...Breaking up a family is a SERIOUS thing and has many consequences..Not that it would be anyones fault, but get together and quit the nonsense...The grass isn't greenier on the other side--but maybe neither one of you are happy.

Answer 5

Wow, this kind of sounds like my parent's divorce, except my mother was the only cheater. Well, I would say, to not believe either one of them. First off, your husband lied to you, and it sounds like several times. The only thing you can trust is that he did cheat. Yes, you did as well, but two wrongs don't make a right. I would say try counseling. And if that doesn't seem to work out, then try separation. Maybe you guys need some time apart. The only thing I would worry about in a separation is him, since you guys are legally married, thinking just because you're separated, he can get with other women. The best advice I can give you is, to just pray that you make the right decision first off for your kids, and then second for you. Your children are the innocent ones here. They didn't ask for this. I will give another piece of advice: Once a cheater, always a cheater. You do not need this in your life. Your children don't need this either. But the most important thing is, just pray. Good luck and God Bless. Hope things get better for you.

Answer 6

Yes, it sounds like a mess to me. My opinion, here goes. First of all, why did the lady he was having an affair with call you? Could it be the fact that she gave him an ultimatum and wanted him to choose between her and you? You say that he confessed to everything except for the the other affairs that he has had, or I should say supposedly had. Did it ever occur to you that she might have told you that in hopes that you would tell him to get lost and go back to her? He may be telling you the truth about everything. It sounds to me like he told this other woman that there wasn't any future between them and that he wanted to break it off. She got angry and decided to get back at him and call his wife, in hopes that it would destroy any hopes of them staying together. Now, who you choose to believe is up to you. The only person who can answer that question is you. You have 10 years together and that is a lot of time to throw away. But, I have to agree with some of the other answers as well, when it comes to cheating. I also believe that once you cheat, you will cheat again. But seeing as how your both guilty of the same crime, well, that makes it a little harder for the trust to be rebuilt. I think that you both need to go to counseling and find out what happened in your relationship. Remember, counseling only works if you both put forth an effort to change. Otherwise, your only putting off the inevitable, which is the loss of your marriage. You may have a chance to save your marriage, but that lies directly in your hands as well as your husbands hands. I wish you both the best of luck, and I hope that this opens your eyes about what comes around, goes around. A lot of people tend to believe that this isn't true, but I'm a firm believer that it happens.

Answer 7

Hmm. His gf has nothing to lose either way and he's got himself to protect so I'd kinda believe her. But, it probably doesn't matter. The problem or problems that leads to affairs are between the two partners. You can cry, confess, swear it won't happen again, and re-propose and re-accept all you want but until the conditions that led to the affairs are corrected, it's very likely to happen again or, as a minimum, the marriage will not be all it could be. I'd think counseling would be almost mandatory.

Answer 8

A SIX MONTH AFFAIR? Honey thats not just getting drunk and sleeping with someone, that's an intentional, every day, every week, every holiday, every weekend, on the phone, meeting somewhere, having sex over and over and over again....... think about it. You did it for 3 weeks and cut it off, good for you. You probably realized you wanted to keep your marriage. But SIX MONTHS? And he didn't tell you, YOU found out!

Honey, that man is duplicitous as hell. You don't even know who he is. If he hadn't gotten caught, this could have gone on for two years. Can you IMAGINE that? Can you imagine two years from now going through this again?? I'd bet you would. Because he's not upset about having the affair, he's upset he got caught.

Answer 9

That does sound like a huge mess. If you still love him and feel strongly for him and you can find it in your heart to COMPLETELY forgive him (and you believe his apology is sincere), then go for it!

Maybe this will actually be beneficial to your relationship, to start fresh with no lies and everything.

About the one detail that he is not admitting to, ask him "if we are going to start fresh, just tell me the truth... I will understand and forgive, I just want to know that you're not holding any other secret."

Another thing... make sure they are 100 percent willing to forgive and move on (and that he is as well) or else it will start eating you apart and might ends things worse than they are now. So be sure you CAN (emotionally) start fresh with him and trust him once again.

I ALSO feel the other girl might have been saying that to break you guys apart. If your husband doesn't admit to it, then just believe him. You're starting fresh, no reason to hold on to the past!

Good luck!

Answer 10

you dont have to listen to what i have to say because im only 21 but you asked for my opinion so here goes... first off if you have been with him for 10 yrs plus he re-proposed to you he either truly loves you or wants to stay with you for the sake of the kids. im thinking the first option (cant say for sure). him cheating on you with this peticular woman is probly just because he was attracted to her and didnt want to cheat but fell in that trap anyway. also it could've been one night after an arguement you 2 had and he did it out of anger the first time. he went back because he felt that he had already went off the deep end and said skrew it. the thing with the other women... she may have lied about that so you would leave him maybe for her or maybe to punish him, or she may have actually told the truth to come clean. if you have not already asked him about this part then you should do so but tread lightly and watch what you say because if he lied about this one he may lie about the others thinking you dont know to keep himself out of that much trouble. before you go off and leave him or go and renew your vows take a long while to rethink things and make sure of your answer. also that will give him time to think. i hope this helps out and i certainly hope that things work out for the better for you two.

Answer 11

The thing I don't understand is why he would tell her that he has cheated on you with other girls.....That wouldn't give her much hope of getting him all to herself.. and why on earth would she want to be with a man if he is telling her that... I think she may be saying that to get you even more pissed off... I would no doubt consider some marriage counseling..if you are going to stay together.. Just be careful, and you need to promise to yourself not to cheat again.. no matter how long ago or how long it lasted, its the same concept no matter how you look at it.. Be true to yourself and your marriage.. I hope everything works out for you and your husband.....