my new revised poem.. please!! i need to know what you think..!!?

Question

“The Three Essentials of Life”






There were times when you looked at me
When you were all I could see.
What happened to the times when nothing else mattered?
Now I am in a thousand pieces with my heart shattered.

The friends I thought I had are now gone.
I sit in my room away from everyone, withdrawn.
Gone from the world, departed from my soul, shun from everyone I know.
Now that it is all over, you no longer have to put on a show.

Family, the ones I thought I knew the best.
Each night, I lay my head down, thinking I am blessed.
Even they can slip right though your hands, gone forever, never to be seen again.
Just thinking what you would do to see them again is such an emotional strain.

As I sit by the window sill, watching the rain fall,
I realize that in this huge world, I feel incredibly small.
Knowing that you are gone it kills me inside.
In all actuality I am alive, but really, my soul has died.

There are only a few people in this world you can trust.
Just a second is all it takes for them to disappear like dust.
When that bond breaks, and your soul has been deprived,
Sometimes, it’s a wonder I have survived.

Although there are times when you don’t get along,
No matter what happens, families shall always stay strong.
When you think of home, a sense of warmth should come to mind.
A place where you can sit by your window sill, watching the rain fall, and unwind.

Answer 1

1st verse is beautiful.
2nd verse not to good, have it go something like this:
Gone from the world, departed from my soul, shunned by all those I know, Now that it's over there's no need for your show.
3rd verse take the word right and forever out of the 3rd. line.also take out the words just and again in the last line. Have it read like this:
Even they can slip through your hands, gone, never to be seen again.
thinking what you would do to see them is such an emotional strain.
Verse 4 great
In verse 5 The last line: Sometimes, It's a wonder that I have even survived.
Last verse last line:
A place where you can sit by your window watching the rain and unwind.
I hope this helps you
Your poem shows the hurt you feel as well as a cry for help.
it is really very good.

Answer 2

I really like this--you poured your heart into it. I am sorry you feel so sad. This is a really nice way to get it out for yourself. Take Care and blessings.

Answer 3

The poem is personal and has meaning to you. That is all that is important, not my opinion.

Answer 4

SWEET POEM I LOVE IT GURL

Answer 5

i liked it. i can relate to it.

Answer 6

that was so beatiful