Here's my situation. I want to get pregnant and have a baby, but my husband won't even talk to me about it. Everytime I bring up having kids he changes the subject and refuses to talk to me about it. He knew before we got married that having kids is extremely important to me and that I want to have a big family. He even told me before we got married that he wants a big family too. But now he won't even discuss it. And since I have been bringing it up, we have not been having sex as often. He also says that he does not want to have any kids after he is 40. Well, he is 33 right now, so we only have 7 years until he turns 40. He knows I want somewhere between 3 -5 kids, so seven years is not that long of a period to go through 3 -5 pregnancies. Does anyone have any advice on what I could do or how to talk to my husband about this with out him changing the subject? Any help and advice would help me so much!
2006-12-01 05:52:02 · 15 answers · asked by Krisie 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I don't want to trick or decieve my husband in any way. Even if I wanted to, I am not on the birth control pill, so I couldn't just stop taking it.
2006-12-01 09:49:35 · update #1
I think it's time to lay your cards on the table here so that you don't waste any more time on him if he's changed his mind.
He agreed with you about having a family before you got married.
Therefore, you need to ask him if he's changed his mind. If he says he's changed his mind, then you'll have to decide if you want to stay in a childless marriage.
If he says he hasn't changed his mind, ask him "At what point in the next five years, do you see us starting our family?" And listen to his answer and to his reasons with an open mind. Your husband is not just a sperm donor, he is supposed to be the man you love.
Keep in mind that men do not feel the same biological clock ticking that women do, so his age is probably not hitting him the same way it is you. He probably does not feel the same urgency as you.
He may also not want as many children as you do, after thinking about it. That's a lot of kids and he may be afraid of his ability to support that many or want to lead that kind of chaotic lifestyle. Some men have jealousy issues about their own children and/or resent the fact that their wife would mostly be a mommy if that many kids enter the picture or fear that their wife's figure would never recover from that many pregnancies.
And finally, if he is still interested in having children, I would strongly urge to you have a moratorium on asking him this question for 6 months to a year. Human nature is that the more someone pushes us to do something -- even when it's something we want -- we will dig our heels in and refuse to do it. So the more you push, the more he's going to pull away. Honestly, it sounds a little like you might be turning into a nag on this issue and no man wants to have sex/make babies with a nag.
2006-12-01 06:08:42 · answer #1 · answered by Karen L 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You've been bringing this subject up and he's been able to change the subject every time? Well, set up a date. Make a nice dinner and while you are both relaxed bring up the subject of kids again. Do not let him change the subject no matter how hard he tries. From experience (I have 3 children), men seem to have a hard time with the first child. They may want kids, but the pressure of the responsibility of actually having them makes them continuously put off starting a family. You could ask him why he says that he wants a big family, but wont agree to start. Talk about finances now and have actual figures to show that you are able to support a new baby. He may just need some reassurances. Talk about any fears or apprehensions he may have. Put it all out there and listen. He may surprise you. Good luck!
2006-12-01 06:04:31 · answer #2 · answered by Momma 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Make it clear to your husband that you NEED to talk about this and make a real decision. If he can't open up, find a marriage counselor. It sounds like you both agreed to children before your marriage, and if he's changed his mind, that's something you need to work through together.
It's possible that he's overwhelmed by the responsibilities, and that is dampening his desire to become a father. If that is the case, maybe agree to one child and see how that goes.
If he has definitely decided not to be a father, you will have to decide if that is something you can live with, or an "irreconcilable difference".
Please, please, please do not "accidentally on purpose" get pregnant. He may feel tricked and trapped. It will affect both of your lives, and is a joint decision.
If you can't agree on something so important, maybe he is not the one for you. If you know in your heart you need to be a mother, and he can't offer you that freely from his heart, you will need to decide if you can stay, or find someone who wants what you want.
Best wishes to both of you.
2006-12-01 06:16:59 · answer #3 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since you and your husband discussed this before making your marriage vows, I'd be concerned.
His refusal to even discuss it with you warrants asking a lot of unpleasant questions.
Why?
Has he simply changed his mind? (Not a likely story.)
Did he lie to you just to get you to be with him? (Guys have been known to do this. They will tell you whatever you want to hear.)
Does he not want children at all or just not with you? (God forbid, but cheaters have been known to pull a stunt or two.)
You need to sit him down and ask him for the truth.
I am all for keeping a marriage together if at all possible, but for me this would be a deal breaker.
I love my husband. He and I had this discussion as well. Everyone should. (Before you get to the altar!) We both decided we wanted 3 children. We both decided how we wanted to space them out. We both decided I would stay home and take care of them and he would work. We both decided. If he had at any point, reneged on that deal, I would not have been able to stay with him. Having children was the most important goal I had in my life. It and my belief in God are the only two things I could never, ever compromise on. If I could have only had one child, it would have made me sad, but I could live with that. No children at all...I couldn't.
You have to decide if this is true for you. You can't and absolutely shouldn't force this on him. You'll only be punishing an innocent child. If he won't budge on this issue and you can't accept it, then you have an entirely different decision to make.
Stay and be motherless.
or...
Go and find someone who wants to love a child as much as you do.
Good luck to you and God Bless!
2006-12-01 06:13:54 · answer #4 · answered by soccermomw3 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This must be fixed. If it is not your marriage cannot last. I don't know how old you are, but this WILL ruin your marriage if not fixed.
NEITHER of you should cave to the other. If you cannot agree (not compromise, not giving in) then divorce. I am serious. If you have children and he did it to make you happy, he will be miserable. If you don't to keep him happy, you will be miserable. This is something people need to make clear when they go to get married. Otherwise the wife finds herself 35 and no kids and out of nowhere dumps her husband and gets pregnant with the first guy she can get her hands on. No good.
Fix this immediately or divorce. Your only choices.
2006-12-01 06:02:14 · answer #5 · answered by fucose_man 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You must be pretty hurt and confused by his behavior, unless you know something you didn't include here. Have you tried saying, "It's really important to me that you and I discuss starting a family. Creating a family is something that is top priority to me, and you once said it was for you, too. If you have changed, I need to know that, because I'll have some major thinking to do." Don't forget to tell him you love him, too.
2006-12-01 06:20:48 · answer #6 · answered by Cathy M 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your problem is like mine but I happen to be the guy with that problem. I still do not want children but my wife never gave up. Eventually, I gave up and now we are trying to have a child. I changed my strong opposition simply because I love her and did not want our marriage to end or for her to hate me the rest of my life if she did not leave.
Let me say though that if you force him that's not good either. I am not sure I like my wife for her approach.
In your case, it seems though that if he is so determined not to have children you have to ask yourself: What is more important? Your husband? Marriage to him? Or children?
You could try persuasion like my wife did but it will work if he is kind like me. If not, you might get a divorce and try to find another man to have children, but in today's world, it will be so difficult.
Here is another similar story:
2006-12-01 06:04:51 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
3-5 kids???? How about one! The world already has far too many people in it, and you want to up the ante?
If you want children, it sounds as if you may have to start all over again. This one will not make a good father. good luck
2006-12-01 06:01:48 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
If your husband has changed his mind about having children, and you really want them, you need to make it clear that the situation is unsatisfactory to you and insist on marriage counseling. He might resist, but let him know that this could make or break the marriage.
2006-12-01 06:22:10 · answer #9 · answered by AnnieD 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
U just choose the right time to open the subject...invite him to dinner in a nice place and open the subject, be nice and serious at the same time.
Tell him how much u love him and want children.
be smart and dont him change the subject whatsoever
good luck
2006-12-01 06:08:42 · answer #10 · answered by salma 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋